Gay, Bi, or just confused?

[Iceblink]

None of us can tell you if you are gay, straight, or bisexual. That is something that you must find out for yourself. You seem to have come a long way letting go of those mental hang ups, probably caused by society, family friends, or religion or a combination, telling you "I can't be one of those people, I don't want to be one of those people."

But, from what you have said I think you may have a bit more to go on this journey. Once you have let go of those hang ups, you will you will have the clear vision to look at yourself and see the person you are.

[Uneunsae]

After a lot of thinking and discussion with a very smart person, I discovered that I am bisexual. I'm 33 years old. So even if you decide you are "insert category here," that all might change in a few years. I've always been open to whatever because I don't want to miss out on any of life's enriching and beautiful experiences.

So I just always tell people in your situation to go with the flow and let the current carry you. Just be responsible and honest along the way.

[Virge]

Tony....
I guarantee you that everyone who's commented so far read your concern about labels and thought....

"Oh Shit! Now we're going to have to read another rant by Virgil (me) about labels!!! Let me run!"

I am a one man army in the war against labels of all sorts put on humans by humans. All I admit to being a guy who likes poking my stuff in my guy's stuff until we both get a bag of cookies.

Forget about trying to tack a label on yourself and just go be yourself.

[50Plus]

But calling myself gay doesn't feel right either because...what have the past 21 years of my life been?
So what does this mean? Am I bisexual with a preference for guys or is it possible that that could change down the line? Plus, when I finally have the courage to tell my friends and family, what do I say to them?

Tony, what you wrote is almost word for word my experience. With the exception of those items I have highlighted above.

First, I am 51, not 21. And I never looked back questioning my first 51 years. I smiled, hugged myself and looked forward to the next 51 years. So, what have the past 21 years of your life been - they have been life and living life.

What all of this means is you get to experience another side of life. From watching porn you know that there is a difference. Experiencing difference is fantastic!

Bisexual, gay or confused? I chose Gay because I want to date men. It could be argued in reality I am Bi since I used to date women. I don't fret over that one and one word of advice for you - DON'T!

What have you said to your friends and family so far? You did you start conversations at home with Hi Mom, I'm heterosexual and I like girls. So why would you now have the need to tell your Mom that you like boys? In my 51+ years, I have never been asked whether I am bi, hetero or gay.

Chillax dude. Enjoy the view. Life is wonderful. Live it. Live free from worry. Minimize stress. Minimize clutter. Mom does not know you like guys. Why do you have to tell her that you do?

[Iceblink]

What have you said to your friends and family so far? You did you start conversations at home with Hi Mom, I'm heterosexual and I like girls. So why would you now have the need to tell your Mom that you like boys? In my 51+ years, I have never been asked whether I am bi, hetero or gay.

Chillax dude. Enjoy the view. Life is wonderful. Live it. Live free from worry. Minimize stress. Minimize clutter. Mom does not know you like guys. Why do you have to tell her that you do?

I strongly disagree with this. People do not sit down and have a conversation with parents to tell them they are attracted to the opposite gender for one simple reason- that assumption is already there. So saying you didn't say, "Hi Mom, I'm heterosexual and I like girls," so why would you do that to tell your mom you like boys is not at all making a fair comparison.
Most people have a goal that someday we are going to find that special someone to spend our life with, a person that you will end spending most of your time with. Those in opposite-sex relationships do not keep that person from the family. Most the time, that person becomes a part of that family. I think for most of us who are gay or bi, if we meet the right person and that is someone of the same gender, the ideal situation is for that person to be accepted and welcomed by the family, just like an opposite gender person likely would.
Since the world makes an assumption of heterosexuality, that kind of a conversation is never necessary if a person is heterosexual, so most of us who are not have to prepare the family if we want our partner or potential partner in life to be shared in our family life. My partner of nearly twelve years is enormously important to me and my family is enormously important to me, and there is no way I want to keep the two most important things in my life separate. I don't want to play into that old idea that being straight, gay, or bi is only about sex.

[ETOTE]

ok,

Had some time to read over this novella and mull it over in my feeble little brain.
My first piece of advice would be to just chill for a second. Take a step back and breathe.

I like you, I like how you are not afraid to really examine yourself, you are very intelligent and I love your screen name.

So, I definitely don't think I can say that I'm straight anymore. Bi or gay? Maybe. But definitely not straight. This year's been a huge snowball of discovery for me. But, I still feel confused. I thought that maybe I'm bi, which is very likely, but at the moment I'm much more interested in guys. Like I said, haven't gone back to straight porn and I barely notice girls anymore. But calling myself gay doesn't feel right either because...what have the past 21 years of my life been? I don't feel like I was forcing myself to like girls because of societal pressure, I do think I genuinely felt attracted to them. If societal pressure did anything, I feel like it kept my gay side hidden away. I never even entertained the thought that I might like guys until the LGBT movement became much bigger and louder. But if I did like girls, what happened to that attraction? It can't just disappear, can it? I'm not saying I don't find them attractive at all anymore because I do. But if you held up two pictures of a dude in a thong and a girl in some lingerie, my eyes would go for the dude first.


I know a lot of people feel like labels are dumb and I shouldn't worry about it, but without something to call my orientation, I just feel really confused. Maybe it is just a phase? I really don't know. I feel like it's too soon to tell, but dammit I want to know now...

First, do not concern yourself with what friends and family are going to think, do not concern yourself right now with coming out or whatever to anyone about anything.


My second piece of advice is to not be concerned with slapping a label on yourself right now. As you've discovered, you are obviously not straight. But why does that mean you must either be gay or bi? Who are you trying to please or appease with that label?

Like it or not, you are allowing societal influence affect your thinking and your perception of yourself by thinking you MUST have a label to identify with...THAT is utter BS. Thing to realize, even though you may not think that societal pressure plays a role in your attraction to women, it does, just as it plays a role in suppressing your interest in guys. Societal influence on how we think is done in very small, subtle ways that we never even realize until one day you wake up and wonder how you arrived where you are at.

Congrats dude, you are waking up and trying to find the real you amid all this hetero-normative dogma that you have been fed socially and subliminally since birth.


If you are truly attracted to women, you are not gay.

I would also suggest that once you are at a more calm comfort level in your exploration of guys, you also try exploring your interest in women, beyond just looking or thinking about them. Try dating women, kissing them, maybe even sex. Only reason I encourage this is because if you've never even been with a girl but you say you do have an interest in them, it may help balance your perspective as far as your attractions and interest go. Also, I define sexuality as who you are not only just attracted to physically or sexually, but who you are romantically interested in as well...who you have a relationship with both sexually and romantically.

Until that time where you have a more precise, clearer understanding of your sexuality, just accept where you are right now...on a journey of exploration and discovery...err...sexploration (had to do it) Embrace it, enjoy it, encourage it. Don't let the label or lack thereof control you or hold you back from having some intense, awesome experiences with awesome people of either or any gender.


If you truly must have that pacifier, just stick with curious, bicurious or questioning for now, nothing wrong with that.

Me personally, I choose not to live by a label and generally prefer to respond with just 'sexual' when someone asks and demands to know, if that is not sufficient for them, the closest thing that would define my orientation is pansexul. I've had a boat load of sex with both men and women, like well over 1,000 partners. Not living by a label has actually been a very liberating, enriching and a rewarding experience in my life that has allowed me to truly explore many different aspects of human sexuality that go far beyond any bs labels and the ridiculous unrealistic stereotypes society expects us to conform to and live by.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself about having a clear defined orientation because I can tell you from personal experience sexual fluidity is not bs and sexuality is most definitely complex that involves way too many factors to be easily measured, categorized or quantified.


Just embrace being open and be grateful you live in a country that allows you to explore that openness to self discovery. Above all enjoy it, you only have one life, it is yours to live, no one else's, don't waste it on trivial nonsense, live your life how you see fit.

[TonyAndonuts]

Thanks for all the advice and encouraging words. I guess to respond to what most of you are saying, yeah, I know it's probably a good idea for me not to worry about what to call myself right now as I am still in the experimentation phase. And yeah, I shouldn't worry about labels in general. I guess I just feel like labels make things a bit more simple even though they can't fit every person perfectly. We humans don't like confusion. We want things to be one way or the other. We want clear understandings, we want answers, not ideas. But I'll try not to worry about it too much. I guess if something happened where I'm forced to come out, I'll just tell everyone that "I'm not straight."

Also I do agree that one's orientation is more than just sexual attraction, but on a romantic level too. And yes, I do feel like I could develop emotional attractions to another man as well as sexual. The guy I had my first sexual experience with wasn't just a one night stand (if it was I'd honestly feel a little gross). We became friends before it got to that point and even afterward we still hung out together, playing video games and watching movies while cuddling on the couch. It was nice. I was willing to give a relationship a try, but I knew he wasn't really interested in a relationship at the moment and only wanted a friends with benefits sorta thing, which I was okay with. But in the future, if I met another guy, I think I'd want something a little more than that. One time for curiosity's sake is okay with me, but I'd rather not make it a habit.

Also with girls, I do think it's probably a good idea to give them a try too (although that honestly sounds kind of weird. Like I'm comparing two products or something...), but I'm just not that interested in girls at the moment. Maybe that'll change, but so far it's been a year and I still focus on dudes. Plus, I feel a lot more nervous around girls than guys. I'm not exactly a social butterfly and I'm still working on my communicative skills. I swear it feels like girls are just way out of my league and I know that probably makes me sound like a huge geek, but I kind of am... :/

[50Plus]

Tony, you words indicate that you are getting there mentally. Good. It takes time.

Like you, I find it awkward talking with those of the opposite sex - especially when it was about romantic aspects. There are a number of people who believe that it is best to not force yourself in to an action or decision. Its a belief in a natural alignment, a natural flow.

Sounds like it feels natural for you to talk with guys at the romantic level. Go for it.

[high5]

I think for some people sexuality can be fluid, you might be bisexual with say, 80% preference for guys and that could change in time but I wouldn't stress too much about it.
Just go with what you feel is right for you.