Do most gay men always look for someone "better"?

[Anonymous]

It is my observation that since so much of what "drives" gay men is appearance based - that even when dating or in relationships many (if not "most") will drop one guy for a better looking one, a younger guy, one with a bigger dick, a nicer ass, etc. if and/or when that chance comes along.

For instance if a guy has no trouble getting partners he will be less inclined to stay with any one guy. Not that straight guys don't go through trophy wives/girlfriends, etc. too but this seems much more common in the gay community. Monogamy is the exception not the rule.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I had absolutely -no- problem getting partners when I was single.

I've been in a long-distance monogamous relationship with Gideon for over six years.

Not all gay men are superficial. Don't let the minority of gays that are flashy and "out there" chasing dick and being very, very spotlight oriented fool you into believing they are the only "kind" of gay guy out there.

[HumbleTangerine]

I have this theory that the "gays are superficial and driven by sex" stereotype stems from the fact that most of us remain closeted during the periods where our heterosexual peers start experimenting their sexualities. That being said, I know of many LGBT people (myself included) who honestly aren't that superficial. The only time I'd value someone's appearance and body as much or more than everything else would be if I were looking for a one-night-stand.

[Virge]

I'm going to take the devil's advocate side in this and say people who accuse others of being superficial about sex are really the superficial ones.

To me the man I'm in love with is the most physically beautiful man ever to walk the surface of the earth but that's not why I love him or crave him as my one and only sex partner. I've seen guys who are taller, with better physiques and longer dicks so the fact that I'm not attracted to them blows your lame theory to shittereens.

My man possesses and glows with all the external and internal qualities of all that it is (for lack of better words) holy, wonderful and "perfect" from my own perspective. As far as I'm concerned he's pretty much the closest thing to a god on earth and not a minute of my life since we met on December 27th, 2006 has been wasted on chasing any man less than him. He's already going gray, genetically predisposed to baldness, a round belly and he's never going to have a hairy chest and he's just getting around to realizing ALL THAT PRETTY STUFF WAS FINE IN THE BEGINNING... but I fell in love with him for being the one person on earth who could finish every sentence I started and know what I was thinking before I said a word. I really expected my PERFECT mate would be an Uber tall Viking red head with a dick bigger than mine. NO! It's a sassy polynesian hybrid almost a foot shorter than me with zero issues about his dick length issues, his bald spot, his struggle to keep some abs....... As far as I'm concerned he's Mister Perfect.

Read this and get a better idea of what I'm talking about.




Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life. Show me who he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself.

No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment–just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!–an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire.

It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the person who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the person whose surrender permits him to experience–or to fake–a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type sexual partner he can find, the one he most admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer — because only the possession of a his ideals translated into flesh will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut.

He does not seek to gain his value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body. But the man who is convinced of his own worthlessness will be drawn to a woman he despises–because she will reflect his own secret self, she will release him from that objective reality in which he is a fraud, she will give him a momentary illusion of his own value and a momentary escape from the morel code that damns him.

Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives–and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values–and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to values, but in response to flaws–and he will have cut himself in two.

His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward anyone he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure.

Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex–nothing but shame.

[Cuddly]

In my world, monogamy is the rule. Not the exception. I am surrounded by long term relationships, marriages and the like. I have literally one acquaintance who likes a bit on the side and changes the other, more stationary, side up often enough too.

Yes, I'll wave this banner once again; stereotypes are just that! and yes, they sometimes accurately fit, but more often than not, you'll find them completely off.
No, muslims aren't terrorists.
No, christians aren't homophobes.
No, germans aren't nazis.
No, gays aren't pedophiles.
No, lesbians aren't manhating bikers.

[ChadCoxRox]

Self regard is the key to understanding the degree to which the OP's concern is truly a real concern. If you keep finding yourself troubled by this view without the positive effects of a balanced awareness of the other two sides of your story AND then the truth, you might consider an intentional, facilitated self examination. Such will likely result in the need for a strategy for well care that will involve activities to help you get the fuck over it.

Guess what!? HERE at GS YOU are the best looking with the best dick and the greatest everything else to me! And you get to be loved up front so you can relax and maybe learn and grow.

[Bluelight]

That's kind of a complicated question, at least in my case. You see, in my mind the people who I'm attracted to generally look "better" than me, but a lot of the time my friends tell me I have weird preferences and that I could "do better than that". In the end, I don't know if one is more attractive than the other, it's all a matter of perspective. I guess I'm just really attracted to certain features that I don't have, like certain eye shapes or certain facial structures, even hair styles, but I can't really put my finger on it.

[ExpatBrit77]

again very complicated. Although to be honest my relationships have ended for reasons other than the other guy being better looking or having a bigger dick.

Although to be frank to say that the superficial dick waving gays are the minority is probably a little naive. But that´s just my experience.

[Ekwarph]

Lots of gay people accuse the others of being superficial. But if all of them were not superficial, it shouldn't be so difficult to find an other non-superficial guy...

My opinion is that it's often an excuse to put the fault on the other...
And also, not seeking a long time relationship doesn't mean being superficial!

[Uneunsae]

The guys I'm attracted to are gorgeous, yes... TO ME.

Many others think I have strange taste.
So yes, I think some of us go for what we personally see as attractive.
But that's different than the vanity you describe. That kind of thing is commonplace in the "scene" i.e. bars and clubs.