Do most gay men always look for someone "better"?

[50Plus]

The guys I'm attracted to are gorgeous, yes... TO ME.

Many others think I have strange taste.
So yes, I think some of us go for what we personally see as attractive.

100% agree with this. I will only date someone who is attractive to me - I could care less if others think he is attractive.

That being said, I don't then go trying to find someone who is even better looking. I will continue to notice very attractive people but do not wish to change out what I have for a newer or shinier model. I am not that way with my cars, not that way with people.

But, we as humans, do prefer to spend a disproportionate amount of our time on negative events than on positive ones. So the 'trophy collector' stereotype described in the OP is going to live long and prosper no matter how many positive counter statements are made.

[Borg69]

You're letting a few visual superficial whores paint your view of all gay men. Not all gay men are like that, but the majority of ones you see on grind'r type apps are. It's what that app is for.

[bilkiba]

I doubt this assessment is any more true of gay men than it is of lesbians, straight people, or those who are bi or pan or whatever else. There will be people like that of all sexualities and they may seem the most prominent, but that's just because they are usually trying to be seen. I don't think it's got anything to do with gender or sexual preference.

If you love a person, then you will not leave them for someone who supposedly is more "attractive," because no such person can exist. I know, logically, that my partner isn't the most beautiful person in the world if we're speaking strictly of looks. But you know what? Try telling that to my heart and body. There's no one who can ever be more attractive to me than she is, and that's because of her personality and everything that she is moreso than her looks. Contrary to the images painted by much media, most people find other traits more attractive than just looks alone.

I think everyone looks for someone "better" until they find the one that is just right for them. I mean if you're looking for something better, then the person you're with isn't what you're looking for, is he? But if that person is what you're looking for, you won't keep looking, even if they aren't what you expected your "ideal" type to be.

[Kjlemere]

My personal experience may give you some insight.

In college I found myself getting wrapped up in the mindset that every gay guy was the same. All of them only focused on the physical (physical attraction is important, but I think it is also important to not be so picky that you ignore personality traits altogether). I was very discouraged by this mindset and that was partly due to the fact that my own self-esteem wasn't the highest so I never thought I could get any of these guys.

Although the mainstream gays at my school painted a very grim picture of what I thought gay society was, I still kept an optimistic mind, telling myself that there are guys out there who don't have a driving intention to just have sex with other guys. Have I found a guy like that yet? No. Does that mean that I will never, I sure hope not

So in short, I think that there will always be guys who will leave their significant others for "greener grass", but there are also guys who strive for long-term monogamy and would like to find that in a potential partner as well (of course this looks different for every single individual).

[Adam]

I had absolutely -no- problem getting partners when I was single.

I've been in a long-distance monogamous relationship with Gideon for over six years.

Not all gay men are superficial. Don't let the minority of gays that are flashy and "out there" chasing dick and being very, very spotlight oriented fool you into believing they are the only "kind" of gay guy out there.

Agree completely!

This topic kind of reminds me of an article I read about how gay men are incapable of monogamy, to which I say a resounding BS!

I've been with my BF 6 years. He's a good looking guy, but he's not likely to show up on the cover of GQ anytime soon. And is he a charming sweet talker? Well...let's just say he has an attitude, he can be arrogant, bossy and overly macho. Put it this way, he's a cop and I have every reason to believe that his personal and professional role model is Dirty Harry.

And yeah, I still get the occasional offer. Sure, I could find someone better looking, someone waaaay better in the charm department - but I could never find anyone better for me - and isn't that what it's all about?

Gay guys are no more or less shallow and superficial than straight guys. Equality, right?

[Buzzer]

My personal experience may give you some insight.

In college I found myself getting wrapped up in the mindset that every gay guy was the same. All of them only focused on the physical (physical attraction is important, but I think it is also important to not be so picky that you ignore personality traits altogether). I was very discouraged by this mindset and that was partly due to the fact that my own self-esteem wasn't the highest so I never thought I could get any of these guys.

Although the mainstream gays at my school painted a very grim picture of what I thought gay society was, I still kept an optimistic mind, telling myself that there are guys out there who don't have a driving intention to just have sex with other guys. Have I found a guy like that yet? No. Does that mean that I will never, I sure hope not

So in short, I think that there will always be guys who will leave their significant others for "greener grass", but there are also guys who strive for long-term monogamy and would like to find that in a potential partner as well (of course this looks different for every single individual).

My take on this is somewhat similar... I would say that gay men in western countries are very slowly evolving away from a legacy where no strings attached anonymous sex was the only safe outlet for gay people to act on their homosexuality, marriage was widely out of the question and open or public same-sex relationships would have resulted in personal disaster or worse.

And I do think there's an unfortunately large (or, at least, vocal and visible) subset of the total gay population that has mistaken the resulting lifestyle which evolved out of that repression as something inherent to the gay identity and to being proud of being gay, or well-adjusted and self-embracing as a gay person. Things like grindr are just a modern version of gloryholes or craigs list ads or bookstore backrooms. None of these things facilitate two people connecting as 'whole people' but rather getting together purely for the purposes of the physical, usually anonymously. Anything else that comes out of it is tangential and accidental.

I think purely physical encounters are part of everyone's growing pains (regardless of sexual orientation) and coming of age (even if, for some of us, that doesn't happen until later on than our teens) but when the physical encounters alone are the entire lifestyle, it strikes me as stunted development-- or at least a recipe for that. Someone who is still engaging in what is the gay equivalent of first time sex on prom night in the back of a car with their 50th or 100th partner at age 40 doesn't strike me as having greatly evolved personally since losing their virginity, or as a whole and mature person living a fulfilling life. (Maybe they are, but in that case our definitions would be so vastly different we might as well be in movies written in different languages.)

Hopefully as open gay relationships become more and more common, including at the ages where young straight people are beginning to have boyfriends and girlfriends, the notion that lifestyle-level NSA sex based on just a glance or how someone looks is something core to being gay will die out.

[ExpatBrit77]

Equality? I suppose so. But don't forget that on the whole (although there are exceptions) I think we can safely say that playing away and general infidelity is considered a lot more "normal" in the gay community than in hetero relationships. That for me is the main difference between straight and gay dating. If a straight guy said to a woman on a first date "sorry babe, I won't be going down on you because you're an ugly bitch", that would not be considered acceptable. That happened to a gay friend of mine, when he told the story to a group of straight friends, the women were appalled; the gay guys found it quite horrible but weren't exactly outraged.
I'm not saying there aren't similarities between gay and straight dating, but let's not go crazy and say that we date in the same way because I don't think we do.

[ExpatBrit77]

What I'm trying to say is that men are shallow. But maybe straight men are at least subject to social "rules" which dictate what isn't acceptable. Whether that's good or bad if up to the individual

[Anonymous]

What I'm trying to say is that men are shallow. But maybe straight men are at least subject to social "rules" which dictate what isn't acceptable. Whether that's good or bad if up to the individual

This is true. I have been treated poorly by guys that in the straight world simply would not occur. I guess it makes sense to "cut to the chase" & decline someone solely based on appearance - it saves time?! I'm not at all unattractive, yet admittedly OUT of the age group where you get much (or any) "attention" (I'm 49), but rarely does anyone have in any interest in getting to know me. maybe this is unique to me but I don't think so.

I'd like to find this world some of you inhabit where there are these "enlightened" gay guys are interested in anything other than sex & thus, appearance. This is NOT me being superficial. I admit I may "overlook" someone who is not at all attractive to me - or not my type - but I really cast a wide net & will talk to most guys. That's more blaming the victim.

Maybe I just have bad luck? However, I've been willing to "accept" more guys than they have me even when they might've been less attractive than myself. Appearance is not my sole criteria. Then again me having ANY criteria is pointless when there is no one ever interested. I try not to be cynical but it's difficult when all evidence I ever see or experience points to there being...uh, less than a lot of hope!

[Anonymous]

What I'm trying to say is that men are shallow. But maybe straight men are at least subject to social "rules" which dictate what isn't acceptable. Whether that's good or bad if up to the individual

This is true. I have been treated poorly by guys that in the straight world simply would not occur. I guess it makes sense to "cut to the chase" & decline someone solely based on appearance - it saves time?! I'm not at all unattractive, yet admittedly OUT of the age group where you get much (or any) "attention" (I'm 49), but rarely does anyone have in any interest in getting to know me. maybe this is unique to me but I don't think so.

I'd like to find this world some of you inhabit where there are these "enlightened" gay guys are interested in anything other than sex & thus, appearance. This is NOT me being superficial. I admit I may "overlook" someone who is not at all attractive to me - or not my type - but I really cast a wide net & will talk to most guys. That's more blaming the victim.

Maybe I just have bad luck? However, I've been willing to "accept" more guys than they have me even when they might've been less attractive than myself. Appearance is not my sole criteria. Then again me having ANY criteria is pointless when there is no one ever interested! Lol. I try not to be cynical but it's difficult when all evidence I ever see points me in that direction.