Hate is such a strong word....
However that is
exactly how I felt about mother, her husband and my father.
Mind all three had a hand in raising me, which is to say beating me, torturing me, neglecting me, starving me - amongst other abuses to numerous to list. By the time I was about to hit my puberty I was totally loath to be touched by any of them - even the accidental bumping into them or visa versa sent me into a total panic.
My relationship with my older brother was one of complete trust, that may have more to do with me clinging to him when we were younglings since the Step Daddy Monster and the Mama Monster were slightly 'distant' (
understatement can be a form of humor if applied correctly and often enough)
By the time I reached my 20's I was phobic about germs and touching. To the point my stomach would knot up and turn sickly in its bed if someone even offered their hand for a shaking.
Today I will shake hands and feel a bit of panic, however I have a few 'tools' in my work belt which help me manage the phobia side of my 'little issue'. I got those tools through years and years of therapy. Mind it took me many years to get it because I tried alternative therapies first, such as oceans of alcohol and mountains of meth - Results varied in those alternative therapies, but never actually addressed the underlying causes of my minor aversion to strangers.
I still refrain from offering my hand first and am relieved when a stranger doesn't offer his/her's. However I will do the polite hand shaking thing when they offer, mindful to not touch my face or the rest of my body until such time I can sanitize the sullied hand for my protection.
Thus I appear to be a well rounded, normal human being - Appearances are deceiving....
The flip side of this is I am all snuggly, cuddly, hands on, touchy/feely with partners. I make up for the general lack of touch with humanity as a whole in that one special person. Past partners accused me of being clingy, or tell me its too hot or they just finally ran away... :biggrin:
That is a mixed blessing I guess. The few partners who got that I was wired to hate just anyone touch me understood that my willingness, enthusiasm to touch and be touched by them was a really special and significant thing which strengthened the ties of our relationship... And gave them a sense of relief knowing that I most likely wouldn't jump into the nearest bed with just anyone... If hands have germs can you imagine the horrors that strange dick has on it??? :eek:
Sadly, when people are tortured by trusted members related to them, they tend to develop this hatred of touch in general... Those who can make up for the lack of touch with other trusted members of the human species are doing far, far better than those who give up and isolate totally from other humans.
Since you do touch your friends and don't freak out with casual contact with them, you are in a good place considering.
While your folks may not have hit you, raped you, locked you in the closet, made you eat bars of soap, and other forms of well known and obvious abuse, they did abuse you with neglect.
Infants and toddlers who are not given lots of physical love, holding, being picked up, rocked, etc, tend to grow up to be isolationists and stand offish when it comes to touch.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/infant-touch/ Is just one such read on the subject.
Perhaps if you pursue the subject more, study about it you may gain understanding of your motivations and through understanding gain some sort of control over the situation?
Today we know that humans are a very tactile species, while many assume that women need to be held and need hugs and cuddling and all of that physicality, the reality is that
males need it far much more than women - to the point that women appear actually to be cold, calculating heartless critters...
Just society frowns on males experiencing casual contact that we are raised to be standoffish even in good healthy homes. But it does explain contact sports and all that ass slapping now doesn't it.... :biggrin:
As for washing your hands... A therapist can most likely work with you on that part.
I tried many methods to keep from doing casual handshakes, from the 'ignore it and it will go away' to the raising my eye brow as if querying 'are you fucking insane you filthy, damned dirty ape!' These simply don't work.
They don't work because most people do not have this issue, they can't relate to it, they never think of it. Instead they think you are high and mighty, or too proud, or too aloof or are just a plain asshole. And you can't explain to everyone that touch is profoundly unsettling to you, its embarrassing to admit this issue with people.
And still they don't get it, and think if you just force yourself to shake enough hands you will break the curse.
If you work with a therapist you most likely will not lose the whole 'I don't want to touch you' thing, but a therapist can give you the right tools to where you can do casual handshakes and not totally flip out - thus appearing to be part of the native population.
So yes, you are slightly abnormal, yes its bad in one area, but its not totally horrific in that you allow trusted people to touch you... Thus you show your trust in a manner that most people will just never understand as being a very important symbol of your trust.
You are not that bad here, seriously if you can form physical bonds with friends and people you trust you are doing far, far better than the majority who have touch and germphobia issues...
Its not as bad as you think it is.
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