In love?

[jama1423]

Hi all,

This is my first time here, so sorry if I break any rules.

I'm in my early 30s, and I have been dating a really great guy for 4 months.

However, I think I am beginning to fall in love with him, and I didn't expect that to happen, and now it is bringing all these feelings to the surface I am not sure what to do with. I feel very strongly in two directions. On the one hand I want to see him all the time, hang out with him, do things with him, have fun, etc. On the other hand I feel like I want to break up with him. It's a really strong feeling, and I don't know why I feel that way.

Has anyone else every felt that way? Like you love the person and yet you want to break up with them at the same time? I don't know why I feel like this. It's like two polar opposite parts of me are trying to have their way and I am undecided about what my feelings are trying to say. What should I do? Should I talk to him about how I am feeling, and how should I do it?

About us: We're intimate, we have a great sex life, we do things together, we share similar values, and we honestly care about each other. We communicate quite well and conflict handle quite well. We're both around the same age, good jobs, good prospects, etc. He's from a different culture than me.

About me: The last time I fell in love with someone who was from a different culture than me, it ended really badly. I feel like this might have something to do with it, because I got dumped around 3-4 months with the previous person and it really wrecked me.

[auitame]

What I get from your story is that you are afraid of commitment.

Join the club!

The fear of something ending badly can contribute to that. A lot of us don't want to admit this, but our subconscious fights against commitment when we want to keep doors open with all the other sexy options out there.

I think you have to measure your priorities. Is commitment worth it to you? Is being with him worth facing your fears? The answer might be no.... If the answer is no, then breaking up with him would be the right move.

[East]

First...welcome to GS!

As for your post....I felt that way every time I fell in love. I think it is because I felt like I would lose something if I fell in love...and I also DEFINITELY hated to be vulnerable ...and being in love is a vulnerable situation for anyone....

My advice...roll with the punches and let it unfold as it will...and enjoy the ride. Whatever it is you fear will pass.....

[Wardo94]

From what you've written so far, it may be that you're afraid that your heart might lead you to heartbreak again, and you want to break up with him before any of that happens. From what I read, you guys sound like you have the relationship going great in all aspects. I know it's easier said than done, but the past is the past and this is a new chapter. Don't let that past relationship get in the middle of this cause' it could ruin something great you guys have together. Bad relationships aren't just there for pain, but great lessons can be learned from them that you should use in the future. And whatever you have gone through, you can make whatever you have now so much better than what you had before, by using what you learned. If you do bring it up to him, just explain to him what your thoughts are and why you're thinking on them so there's a better understanding. I honestly do believe you just have a fear that history much repeat itself, and there's no telling what's in store in the future, but live in the present and what you have now is going well! Let him know so you guys can work this out together. Communication really is key in situations like this. I hope everything turns out well. Good luck

[jama1423]

Thank you all for the really great replies! I know it sounds like I am afraid of commitment…I guess I am just afraid of making a mistake with my feelings….I'm really interested in hearing other people's opinions or stories to sort of help me make sense of this…I feel like I'm being pulled in several directions.

[Virge]

First...welcome to GS!

As for your post....I felt that way every time I fell in love. I think it is because I felt like I would lose something if I fell in love...and I also DEFINITELY hated to be vulnerable ...and being in love is a vulnerable situation for anyone....

My advice...roll with the punches and let it unfold as it will...and enjoy the ride. Whatever it is you fear will pass.....

[SIZE="7"]↑↑↑↑↑
Great advice from an old fart who'd know.
You'd be crazy not to take it to heart[/SIZE]

I'm going to add a bit from personal experience.
(and translate psycho-babble from the psycho-babbler I've been dating since 2 days after Christmas, 2006.)
All your feelings about wanting to break up with him come from the same part of your brain that made you lie to your parents about how the window got broken or the toilet got stuffed up and overflowed. You're brain is hard wired to help you avoid painful situations.

If you want to really know what a loving long range relationship is going to be like you need to get it out of your head that you can do it without being hurt. Just accept that there's going to be hurt. If you really want to be in a relationship you have to be vulnerable like East said. Just because you do get hurt is no danged reason to throw away a relationship that's going to give you so much joy that the pain will seem tiny.

And that old saying about "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is right. After you've been hurt a few times and endured it rather than giving in to the urge to throw a whole relationship away the hurts don't hurt nearly as bad....

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fail to understand why a person who doesn't want to fall in love dates.... Hmm

Or am I mistaken about the purpose of dating in this century?

[Borg69]

Thank you all for the really great replies! I know it sounds like I am afraid of commitment…I guess I am just afraid of making a mistake with my feelings….I'm really interested in hearing other people's opinions or stories to sort of help me make sense of this…I feel like I'm being pulled in several directions.

There are no mistakes with feelings... especially when you care about someone.

Let's say hypothetically it doesn't work out. Yes, it will hurt a little, but in the long run you'll still be better off for having the experience than you were before. Nothing lasts forever. Whether you grow old together, or break up in 6 months, one of you will leave/die before the other one. Enjoy what you have RIGHT NOW. Cherish it. Don't sit around waiting, or worse, HIDING, from something because you're apprehensive over it and miss out on a LOT of really cool life experiences you'll regret not doing later.

btw - Welcome to GS.

[jama1423]

I fail to understand why a person who doesn't want to fall in love dates.... Hmm

Or am I mistaken about the purpose of dating in this century?

It's not that I don't want to fall in love...it's more that I'm more cautious and I than I used to be. I don't fall into 'lust' 'the feeling of love' or etc. very easily anymore. So, for me to have a 'deep down' sort of experience of really wanting to tell someone how I feel....that's a really big deal for me and I'm having issues because of it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I fail to understand why a person who doesn't want to fall in love dates.... Hmm

Or am I mistaken about the purpose of dating in this century?

Back before Gideon.... I did a lot of hookups. But I also dated here and there. Usually first, second, third dates then no more.

Not because I was searching for love, which I very -definitely- wasn't.... but because it was something to do to have an enjoyable evening. I never lead my dates on to thinking it could be more than it was. It was fun. A good time was had by all. It was company, and enjoying someone's company in a different way than just hanging out. It wasn't a search for love or romance, tho.