What Do You Look For In A Partner?

[AdamAndWill]

Will: I've read several threads in which guys are talking about what they want in a potential partner, the traits, behaviors, interests - and the things that would be deal breakers. And I'm wondering, how many people actually have that sort of checklist? And is it carved in stone, or is it flexible?

When I first met Adam, everything about him was a deal breaker, and he felt the same way about me. But there was...something, and I finally just gave in to it. He was a harder sell, but I wore him down eventually. I suspect it would have been a lot easier if we'd started from some sort of common ground, but it is what it is - a work in progress - and I have no regrets.

So, I'm curious. Do you know exactly what you want in a partner? And would anything ever cause you to shred the list and just wing it?




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[bluedragon]

Sorry if i sound off-topic AdamAndWill, but theres something I would like to ask you for your opinion...

Do you feel if one has a lot of expectations for his partner, it might be hard for him to find his soulmate?

[meridannight]

i have no list. i go by physical attraction and the way we get along. and physical attraction is something beyond my control. it doesn't have a list. i've even gone for guys that didn't look like my type at first glance but we had that something and that was all that mattered.

you can't really go by lists. the best part is meeting a guy and just clicking with him, having that chemistry. i can't imagine throwing that away just because of some artificial requirements you think a guy should have.

[BlueStar]

It starts with mutual physical attraction, then I want the guy to be himself, and to accept me as I am. Then it comes with mutual emotional attraction, like to understand and feel each other in the blink of an eye, and to never hurt each other too deeply. With too much warmth, affection and care, I could live my entire life with my boyfriend, like the two of us alone in an island off the world (if he's my REAL love).

[Wolfpack]

Physical does come into it of course but it is not a deal breaker for me. I am more interrested in a guys personality, someone to have fun with and share the intermite times with as well. I am not perfect and I am not looking for a partner to be perfect either. Nice to have things in common but the things that we will not have on common could be as equally interesting. Someone who I can be open and honest with, and they feel that they can be the same way with me.

[AdamAndWill]

Sorry if i sound off-topic AdamAndWill, but theres something I would like to ask you for your opinion...

Do you feel if one has a lot of expectations for his partner, it might be hard for him to find his soulmate?

Will: I think it depends first on what the expectations are. There are things like honesty, sincerity, empathy, and just plain common decency that no one should compromise on. I'm sure that you could add a few to that list. For me, not using drugs or drinking to excess are things I expect and wouldn't compromise on. And...well since I'm in process of adopting a 3 year old, wanting and loving kids is a biggie - and one where if I was single, I think I might lose a number of potentials on that one. And it's not unrealistic to look at background, educational level, ambition, etc.

That's all basic, core stuff. But if you have rigid expectations about appearance and interests, you can sometimes cheat yourself out of a wonderful experience. I have an acquaintance who will only date blonde women with a certain type of figure and certain interests - I think he's missing out on a lot.

I think if you have high standards for yourself and others, then yeah, it can be harder to find "the one" - but why the hell should you settle for less? On the other hand, if you insist that he love sushi, the Boston Red Sox and Thai food, you could miss out on someone very special.

And I'm rambling. I'll ask Adam to answer this when he gets home, he usually makes more sense lol -

[East]

I had a list......

I have been with my partner for 29 years next month and he pretty much met my requirements...but my requirements were a little different than most people I have talked with...

The most important thing....how do you drive? If you weave in and out of traffic....tailgate...drinking and driving...constantly risking everyone else's life because you don't really give a damn if other people live or die as your needs exceed everyone else's...NO WAY WILL WE EVER DATE! If you have no regard for other people's lives then I know everything I need to know.....we will not be compatible, So...I would let them drive and I paid attention. You can learn a lot of things from someone when they drive. Today...I would pay attention to whether or not they thought talking on a cell phone and disrupting traffic was a problem...texting would be an immediate HELL NO! .

The other big thing...I don't let anyone control my mind...not even myself.

One more thing...I wanted an Aries guy because I knew in a relationship I was most compatible with them. I know a lot of people scoff at that BUT...I have a very happy relationship now...next year will make it 30 years...so I got it right.

There were other general things...I dislike certain qualities such as greed and envy and I don't like someone who knowingly lies to me or to themselves.

Did I settle? Maybe a little... not enough to even mention (but not with the driving )

[Uneunsae]

I've only had bad relationships when I compromised on what I want in a partner. So I never listen to people who tell me to "settle for less." For me personally, that never works. However, I think the qualities I want in man are not too much to wish for (and are actually very important) especially because I make sure that I can offer them a lot in return. It's a two way street.

Most relationships are so dramatic and that makes no sense to me. It doesn't even register as normal on my scale, but it seems to be everyone else's norm. Why the games, the over analyzing, the obsession with finding a BF, dating someone for a month and calling them "the one", hanging onto them 24/7, etc? To me, people seem to settle TOO MUCH and just date anyone they meet. Then they wonder why they are constantly arguing three months down the road. I think people need to be honest about what they like and go for that. One issue is that people often don't know what they like overall, but they know they like one specific things and so they stick to that like it's routine. Or they like what they think they are supposed to like, etc. And they won't take a realistic look at the type of person they will compliment. Having a set of standards is becoming so taboo now that people aren't asking themselves (realistically) what they want anymore. No! You're a bad person if you want certain traits! You'll be alone forever! There are 7 billion people on this planet, we can all find not just one, but many men that we would love to be with.

You cannot date some random person and expect everything to work out. There are a lot of people that "seem nice" if you've only just met them once or twice. That's not good enough criteria for me. I need to spend more time with them and get to know them. I guess this is why, for me, I like to let relationships develop organically from friendships, people I know at regular places I visit, etc. But I don't mind being single in between men so it works for me. Many people cannot fathom the idea of being single for a long period of time. The idea that a boyfriend is something you go out and get like a carton of milk is not how I think.

But yes, if you insist that he should love a particular food, well that's asking a bit much and going into the "nice to have" realm.

Sorry, I look at relationships in a very practical way. LOL *scratches head*

[AdamAndWill]

Will: To Uneunsae --- thank you, thank you AND thank you. You've said everything I feel and wanted to say way better than I ever could.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Prior to Gideon, I was not looking for a long term partner. I had a very short list that included honesty, chemistry, and enough pride/integrity that they don't try and mooch off of me.

Now that I've been with Gideon, I will never be able to fall back to that again and would expect -much- more from any potential partner. Gideon has pretty much elevated my standards to a point my options would be extremely limited if I ever ended up back on the market for some reason.

I agree with Uneunsae. The best relationships always seem to develop from friendships in my observation.