Am I Ever Going To Get It Right?

[AdamAndWill]

Ironic that MikeW would start off like this. For it is how I would start off my post on this. But then I would diverge down a different path.

The remainder of my preface is: I am single. I have been engaged several times. I have never been married. I question the value of marriage.

I initially added a couple of questions, but then realized it could easily be construed as negative. I have decided to refrain from posting them. It is not to me to judge or question the decision of others - I will try and remember that on future posts, unless the question is obviously asking for my advice / opinion.

Will: The questions that sound negative are often the ones that provoke the most thought. And, given some of the questions people here have asked me, I have no hesitation about answering any seriously-put question as best I can.

And your advice/opinion is always welcome.

[East]

Will: I'm sorry for being so vague Mike, a lot of people here know the past situation from Adam's perspective and I guess I was venting in this post.

Adam and I have lived together for 5 1/2 years. I'm 7 years older than he is (he's 25, I'm 32). I've always looked at my behavior as being protective. He's always said that I'm jealous, possessive and try to micromanage his life. These were never major enough issues to drive us apart, but they've always been there.

He first joined GS a couple months ago. I didn't like the idea because the last time he was on a forum like this, he picked up a stalker who eventually showed up IRL and it got pretty ugly. So I went in and deleted his account. He rejoined - but then I got annoyed about someone he was PMing and deleted his account again.

During the second time he was on, Bowyn made a strong case for couples therapy. Adam was more upset with me than I'd ever seen him and so I agreed. After the initial evaluation, the therapist said that she felt like we had a lot of work to do before we were at a point where a marriage could work between us. Adam agreed with her, and that really shook me, all I could think about was the possibility of losing him. But I agreed, we started therapy, he rejoined GS.

Things are getting better. The therapist is very skillful, and she's led me around to looking at myself in a whole new light - and I don't like a lot of what I see. It's hard. Thus the whining.

A little over a week ago there was a troll on here posting weird shit. Adam posted a thread about my 3 year old nephew who we're in process of adopting. The troll sent Adam a disgusting PM with graphic sexual references to our little one. Adam freaked and self-deleted in just a knee jerk reaction.

A lot of the guys assumed I'd done it again - deleted him again - and I was reading one comment after another about it and feeling like a complete asshole just in general.

I know he likes the forum, but he was pretty freaked - so I offered for us to join as a couple. My willingness to do that made him so happy that I really felt ashamed of being such a jerk in the past.

When I wrote the post I was feeling scared and insecure I guess. Things are better between us than they've ever been and it's worth the therapy torture lol - it's just all so new for me. I've never been a very introspective person, and this is so damn hard.

Honestly? I guess the post was my discomfort with confronting my own behavior head on and seeing the need for change.

We've both recommitted to each other and in addition to therapy have started premarital counseling at our church. But I'm dealing with a lot of feelings, and sometimes, like in that post, they kind of overwhelm me.

For what it is worth I kinda got the sense that there was a genuine protective part in the dynamics. I had a series of stalkers when I was younger and I had take legal action and also call the police more than once and I know it is serious business.

I don't know if I said anything that contributed to you feeling like shit but if I did...my apologies.

I think this post and the initial one in this thread were brave. I also think counseling is a great tool for anyone because knowing who you are and feeling comfortable in your skin is always worth it.

[happyschizoid]

Maybe the therapist didn't want to sign on for short term because she was looking at the $$$$$.

Just a thought.

[LJay]

Therapy takes guts and patience. Keep at it.

It sounds like you are both trying hard and that counts. It also sounds like the therapist is being responsible by asking you not to make big moves right now.

Good luck, guys. Hoping for great results.