everyone who gets close...

[BlueStar]

Ever since I knew I was gay at 14, all I wanted was to have a male best friend, and I won't be talking here about my crushes or falling in love with other guys. I used to have so many friends, excluding those I fell in love with.

However since I was a kid I have that terrible fear of having friends who are about to become my close friends. I'm not shy but I very hardly get along with other guys, simply because none will understand that I need at least 1 bestie. I accidentally isolate myself though I'm very much with their conversations at first.

Then those friendships grow, most of them stay just friends or acquaintances, and very few become close friends of mine. When 1 earns enough of my trust to become a bestie, that fear reappears again suddenly, making me want to destroy him before he can hurt me.

In all these years until now, every best friend I ever got turned to believe I'm his worst enemy. I hurt #1 so much that I still feel bitter guilt and regrets. Me and #2 were dead set on destroying each other, from emotionally to physically, until I finally broke his boundaries and threw him away. #3 had his trust in me fade slowly until I stood far from him. #4 same as #2 still destroying each other silently. I almost had a crush on #5 so I was forced to break our deep friendship before I did some catastrophic approaches. The only one is #6 remaining, but he'll be in the air next night and I could only see him 5 times in an 18 months interval...

That is my awful will, to destroy everyone who gets close to me, before I terribly panic of unfathomable fear that someday they'll all break me down...

And now I have nobody to turn to, not even a friend because I got rid of them all sooner than I needed to. I'm kept miserable inside my home prison, no one to sleep at their place, nowhere and no way to even take a breath...

... Since I began my campaign of having a best friend and killing my stupid phobia of being broken down by them. Now look at what's happening... I'm broken. No trust. Not even sustainable company. I know I'm the reason behind all this pain, yet I still can't find out why...

Every time I thought of giving up this path or even attempting suicide partly because of countless friendship failures, something would happen exactly the next day which forces me to keep walking and fighting all the way in order to achieve my so precious prize: a best friend.

I've completely lost hope now. I'm just wishing tomorrow would either confirm my absolute failure, or send me a divine angel to illuminate my poor lonely destiny.........

[Borg69]

Being gay and in the closet and trying to maintain friendships and attractions to straight guys on the sly is a horrible position to be in for you. I can see why you'd be scared to let them get too close, and sabotage the relationships before they even start. You need to find gay guys your age whom you CAN be 100% yourself around, whom know what you're going through and can relate.

[BlueStar]

Being gay and in the closet and trying to maintain friendships and attractions to straight guys on the sly is a horrible position to be in for you. I can see why you'd be scared to let them get too close, and sabotage the relationships before they even start. You need to find gay guys your age whom you CAN be 100% yourself around, whom know what you're going through and can relate.

Sorry... but it is easier for me to teach a camel how to jump than to find gay guys my age right now...

[Borg69]

I quickly skimmed through these. It does seem bleak/grim, but not wholly impossible.
What do you plan to do? Move?

http://leaveyourdailyhell.com/2012/03/06...vel-guide/

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/beiru...orld080612

http://www.gayhop.com/guides/beirut/

[Wolfpack]

Like Borg has said finding gay guys to be friends with could be really good for you, but as you have stated you think this will be hard for you to achieve.

You DO NOT want to give up and you DO NOT want to consider suicide, you are just in pain that you are not sure how to deal with or escape from so theses options seem better ways of dealing with your pain. You are so young and have you thought as difficult as you are finding life at the moment what wonderful things in life could offer you in the future?

Try to pinpoint in your past when this pattern of behaviour of ruining friendships before they become too close to you started and why. As hard as it may be dig deep within yourself and face what you most fear make yourself confront this fear. Is this thought of being 'broken down' by others realistic or are you really your own worse enemy. How do you know they will 'hurt' you? We tend to judge other people and we think we know what they are thinking or what they are going to do but really we do not.

You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to build stronger and better relationships with other people. Try to find new ways to meet people , draw on what you like in life, your hobbies and interests to meet people with similar interests and viewpoints in life as yourself.

I hope in time you can make that best friend that you desire in life. And us on this forum are always here for you chat with if you need to.

[BlueStar]

I wish right now some sweet voice told me to put that damn knife down...
I though I was handling it... but maybe thinking as a teen I could ever be a nice person.
I lack money to find a therapist too.
It's strange how I still have unclear vision that when I finally break my jail 1 year later, I'll build again everything beautiful I ruined for illusions.

[Borg69]

Seeing what conditions are like where you live if you're found out, it's no wonder that you're cautious. I'd be paranoid of letting people get too close and finding out my secret too. It's a self preservation defense mechanism. I think in your shoes, we'd all be the same way.

[East]

Seeing what conditions are like where you live if you're found out, it's no wonder that you're cautious. I'd be paranoid of letting people get too close and finding out my secret too. It's a self preservation defense mechanism. I think in your shoes, we'd all be the same way.

Yeah...I thought the same thing as well. It seems like it would be an impossible situation given the environment and the conditions he has to face...better to sabotage it than have them get too close and suffer the consequences.

[MikeW]

I'm not sure what to say that will be a real help, BlueStar. I have had two close friends suicide in my life. One was a slightly older boy I knew growing up, the other was a best friend I had through the 1990s. I do understand why people do it (desperation, seeing no way out of their life situation). The problem with it is it is a permanent solution to what *may be* a temporary problem.

You are young. You have time to at least try and get out of Lebanon. Right now you could begin researching what it would take for you to leave. I have no idea but if you begin exploring it, learning what you'd need to do, what kind of education you'd need to have and so on, you could make a plan and begin to organize your life around that goal. For sure it wouldn't be as easy as killing yourself. But, then again, at least you'd have a life and as long as there is life there is hope.

Also, you can't be the only gay man in Lebanon. A quick search of RealJock came up with these listings:
http://www.realjock.com/gay-men/beyrouth/beirut. That may not be helpful at all but you never know!

[Borg69]

I'm not sure what to say that will be a real help, BlueStar. I have had two close friends suicide in my life. One was a slightly older boy I knew growing up, the other was a best friend I had through the 1990s. I do understand why people do it (desperation, seeing no way out of their life situation). The problem with it is it is a permanent solution to what *may be* a temporary problem.

You are young. You have time to at least try and get out of Lebanon. Right now you could begin researching what it would take for you to leave. I have no idea but if you begin exploring it, learning what you'd need to do, what kind of education you'd need to have and so on, you could make a plan and begin to organize your life around that goal. For sure it wouldn't be as easy as killing yourself. But, then again, at least you'd have a life and as long as there is life there is hope.

Also, you can't be the only gay man in Lebanon. A quick search of RealJock came up with these listings:
http://www.realjock.com/gay-men/beyrouth/beirut. That may not be helpful at all but you never know!

Damn! Those guys are HOT! You got some competition, Bluestar!