everyone who gets close...

[Camfer]

I remember being closeted and my late teens and how hard it can be. Bluestar, you're in a big transition phase of life, just at the beginning of defining who you will be as an adult. Just keep the dialogue going with us here and with any other resources you have. You can get through all this and flourish. Don't despair. Have hope.

[Iceblink]

BlueStar, you are such a sweetheart and it makes sad to see you in so much distress. I know this may be said to often, but I am going to say it again, it does get better. When we use that phrase, the mistake we make it with it is not stressing enough that it takes time, and often a lot of time. It might not happen next week, next month, or next year, but believe me, it does get better. Keep hope alive.
:hugs-and-kisses-smi:hugs-and-kisses-smi

[meridannight]

that fear reappears again suddenly, making me want to destroy him before he can hurt me.

That is my awful will, to destroy everyone who gets close to me, before I terribly panic of unfathomable fear that someday they'll all break me down...

huh? you're having irrational fears. this doesn't make any sense. why would you think they would hurt you? did you witness or experience betrayal in your childhood or what? or where is this coming from?

[OkayOkay]

Give yourself (and others) the benefit of the doubt sometimes, hun.

[Bluelight]

The only person who you can really trust is yourself. Learn to be your own best friend, and then focus on developing close friendships. Contrary to what I used to think, being "emotionally independent" is not a nice way of saying "I'm lonely", it means being capable of giving yourself the support that can't be guaranteed from others.

[Bookworm]

It's a difficult situation for sure, especially given the social climate that you live in but as others have stated, you still have your whole life ahead of you and we never really know what opportunities and surprises may lie just around the corner for us, so please stay strong. Your'e an articulate, intelligent young man with hopes, dreams and aspirations for the future and you can't let yourself lose sight of that.

You could look into possibilities for study overseas perhaps, and focus your energies in that direction?

[BlueStar]

I dream to study overseas and escape my awful hellscape. But I dunno which steps to take and how to find a suitable place...
Oh and I guess my main issue with friends is that ALL of them rush into girls just to have sex. Yeah, you're respected for the number of girls you sleep with...
Sorry for stealing too much attention

[dynamodean]

Life is full of challenges and self-preservation is the most basic of instincts inside all of us. You have a whole life ahead of you to reach that light at the end of the tunnel. Once you're able to leave your environment and reap the rewards...you will realize that it was all worth it. We all end up where we are because of what happened to us. I've had plenty of disappointments in my life as well and they didn't make sense. In hindsight, I realize that all those disappointments and heartaches were necessary to bring me to the place that I'm at.

Never give up. Chin up, buddy.

[CellarDweller]

You are not stealing too much attention, I'm glad you posted this and could get it off your chest.

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and afraid. Please do what IceBlink said and "keep hope alive".

While it may feel it, you are not alone.