If being feminine/soft considered inferior

[bluedragon]

Hi guys,

I have a problem that has been affecting me for many years.

I am a soft-natured person from young. My mannerisms are quite feminine (maybe about 20%).

I have uploaded a video here.




I'm somewhat like the guy at 0:43.

Many people have commented that I act slightly feminine at times.

But my dressing style is 100% masculine. ( jeans, polo tee, t-shirt etc.)

I'm not sure how the western society perceives this issue but I find that the asian society has very strict expectations that guys should be 100% masculine. If not, they would be condemned and ridiculed.

I have been bullied and made fun of many times due to this. Guys have ridiculed me before "This is the guys bathroom. The girls bathroom is that way.", "Are you going to marry a guy in the future?","Do you have a d***?" and many more hurtful things.

I had a very bad experience in high school when I tried to make friends with some people during lunch. I overheard some of them saying "Why is he behaving like a girl?". I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I kept looking at my plate during the whole lunch. Eventually, they stopped mixing with me.

Ever since then, I feel afraid and upset meeting people or making friends because i'm apprehensive that they will start judging and commenting about my mannerisms.

The worst blow was that my dad said once that he felt embarrassed to introduce me to his colleagues cos i'm quite sissy. If my own family doesn't understand me, then why would others bother?

I wish people would see my character and habits rather than my behavior and mannerisms.

Is being soft-natured something to be shameful of? Does that make me inferior?
I did not ask to be born this way. I really hate myself

[Uneunsae]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, except that I even dress androgynous so people often mistake me for a girl. I've also been ridiculed, teased, harrassed, judge for my mannerisms. Rude people will call me a girl on purpose. Neither men nor women trust me because I'm different. The women at my last job got fiercely competitive and bitchy with me. It's odd because I'm gentle and keep to myself mostly. I don't have that feminine raving "queen" attitude that some feminine gay men have.

Being how you are is NOT something to be ashamed of. I know sometimes you feel like you want to hide or run away from people, but it's the other people with the problem, not you. Women and men aren't all a certain way in how they look, dress, behave, no matter what your culture might say. We are all varied in many aspects. Everyone is different and but many people constantly HIDE who they truly are. Don't be one of those people.

This pic is a lot like me. My hair is the same style, but very long and my face is feminine. I am 32 but many people think I just graduated from high school. That can be a benefit to being feminine.



I've actually been treated more kindly by Asians than other people. The most vulgar comments and harassment are never from Asians. But Laos has a more strict definition of male and female than Korea and Japan so that's got to be hard for you.

You are NOT inferior. You are a good person and very kind. That's what matters. Don't listen to anyone else and love yourself, okay?

[Uneunsae]

People like us are beautiful. The world needs more softness. Please don't hate yourself.

[Steve]

Is being soft-natured something to be shameful of? Does that make me inferior?
I did not ask to be born this way. I really hate myself

Please listen. Please don't hate yourself for being who you are. Change the chant "I hate myself" in your head. Because I don't hate you. I understand you.

Don't be ashamed of being who you are. Many people, even in gay friendly, "tolerant", countries try to make effeminate men feel ashamed and inferior. Sometimes I think some people hurt others just for sport - for the fun of doing it. Often I think fear compels people to harass other people who they don't understand. I've had more than one gay person tell me they dislike/hate me because I make all homosexuals look bad. Most often though, I think people show hate toward those of us who show effeminate behavior to make themselves feel better than us, to physically and verbally show us that we are less than they are on life's scale. In other words, bullies are insecure people.

I could tell you so much about the extent of people's hate. I have very real firsthand experience. Like you I never had a choice about my nature. Even trying to hide what I was, my closet was essentially glass because it was obvious that I was gay from the way I spoke, from the way I moved, from the way I dressed, and some people even pegged me as gay because I was smart (I never figured out that last one). My youth was a living hell from which I have never healed.

I could go into details, but this post is about supporting you.

I know how you hurt. And I know that you must often think that you don't want to go on. I understand how it happens when you start to give in and feel as though you actually deserve what people continually dish out hour by hour, minute by minute. I know how easy it is to hate yourself for something that you have no power to change.

The campaign "It gets better" was always such a lovely concept, but it was also pretty disingenuous. When I was in the place that you seem to be in now I would have screamed, "When? Exactly when does it get better? Because it isn't now. And it needs to be better now".

All I can honesty tell you is to remember who you are every minute of every day. Remember that no matter what indignity, what hate, people spew toward you, believe in the truth that is inside you: You are no any less a human being than anyone else. You are as good a person as you can be. Remember these things. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, past the hate. Duck down if you must. There is no shame in self preservation. If you must avoid the people who hate, avoid them if you can, if you must.

Many people will say stand up to the bullies. To certain degree I'll agree with them. In a perfect world standing up to those who consistently hate you, torment you, and abuse you is the ideal solution. If that is possible, and you can find people who will support you if you decide to stand up for yourself, by all means, it is the correct position to take.

But there are many... too many places in the world, to some extent even here in the US, where standing up for yourself will get you jailed, tortured, or killed. It happens, and unfortunately that is simply the truth of it.

So if it is not possible for you to stand against those who hate, who bully and make you feel less a human than they are, there is no shame in self preservation. But don't lose perspective either. You are not to blame for other people's inability to accept those different from themselves. You are a better person than they are because you know that people can lead productive lives, live fully, and help others no matter if they are gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, transitioning, transsexual, questioning ... or whether they are simply effeminate and misunderstood. You must keep that with you at all times. You are a good person. And keep moving forward. One step at a time.

[dynamodean]

There is nothing wrong being feminine, masculine, butch, soft...whatever. Those are all just dumb labels anyway. The problem lies with the ignorant people around you who have frightening levels of prejudice and tunnel vision. Don't hate yourself because you are perfect the way you are but at the same time realize that this world may be too stupid and backwards to fully accept an honest, true, and unique soul such as yourself. Stay safe and protect yourself and know that there are others that are accepting of you just like we are here.

[TwisttheLeaf]

My father berated and ridiculed me for not being the overtly masculine version of a son he wanted every day i lived under his roof, and every opportunity he got once I'd moved out on my own. He encouraged extended family to participate (which they did) and often introduced me to people as his "other daughter" (I have a sister).

It can be at times crushing to not live up to our parents expectations... or others expectations, for that matter. I can definitely sympathize with how you're feeling. But, choosing to be who you are develops an inner strength more formidable than any "masculine" quality you may try to adopt.

Don't let the closed minded make you ashamed of who you are. Be yourself, and be proud that you have the strength to go against their pressure to be true to yourself.

No. There is nothing wrong with being softer, androgynous, or more effeminate. In fact, there are many who find the qualities both intriguing and very appealing.

Don't hate yourself. Take pride in having the strength to be -yourself- instead of some socially expected carbon copy.

[deepu69]

I just hate prejudice in any form.

[CellarDweller]

There is nothing wrong with 'soft' or 'feminine'!

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with bad behavior directed at you, but they are wrong.

[Gideon]

I don't really view soft as feminine personally, but I get the stereotype society likes to slam on people that way.

Read Twist's post above and then let me tell you that him being who he is makes him more of a -man- than his father or any of the idiots who would bully or criticize you, him or anyone else for being who you are. He's open minded, he's fair, he's got integrity and honesty and okay so he's amazing...and yes, I am extremely biased.

But seriously, be proud of who you are, be true to yourself, LIKE yourself...and fuck em if they don't like it, yeah? Those aren't the people who's opinions should matter anyway.

[Borg69]

Unfortunately, even though we're somewhat "evolved", this is still mostly a "Dog eat dog", "Survival of the fittest", world filled with 'animals' that will view any form of passiveness as a weakness/flaw.

The bright side is, you're smarter than those mouth breathing, knuckle dragging chest pounders and can outwit and outsmart them every time.