this is how i feel

[Anonymous]

Today was my first day off in awhile, so I decided to go out to my favorite bar. It got lonely real quick. I saw groups of friends and people. I was by myself. All my other friends were working and when they are off work I'm working. I started thinking about how we as a group used to do the same thing every weekend, go out and get wasted, have fun and forget about our responsibilities for awhile. I just wanted to do something special today with people I cared about. Everyone is so busy that we hardly see each other anymore, even though we live in the same town. Then my mind started to wonder. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up all by myself. I think about my friends and their wives and how happy everyone is and than I picture myself by myself. I don't know why I do this. My friend once told me that I live in a rednickish town, and as soon as I move out of town I will meet someone. I get so sad when I see people having fun and I'm just by myself. I try to just keep moving forward but its hard sometimes. On the outside I'm completely opposite, I act like nothing is wrong and I joke around so much but I feel like I'm just wasting away. I'm always playing the middle man between agruements, always trying to help people out that I forget about myself, as long as everyone else is ok. I get so deep into playing that role and forget about my problems, my happiness. I've talked to my friends about this but not that deep of how I really feel because I don't want to put my problems onto them, I don't want them to know, I don't want to let it all out. I know that I have to say fuck it and take time to care about me, but i'm not me without someone else. I hate being by myself, its like I need someone, anyone with me at all times or else I just get sad. I'll hangout with people i don't like just so I don't have to be by myself. On here I can say whatever I want because you don't know who I am. I'm afraid of going into the dark, expecting the unexpected, letting people in my lives, afraid of letting people know how I feel. Its different from writing in a journal because I know someone might read it and relate to me, maybe. I know something has changed about me, I used to be different a lot happier than I am now. Its I hate feeling like this, like its all over for me, that there is nothing else. I'm almost to a point where no one actually knows who I am anymore. I conform to how everyone expects me to act, so I don't know who I am. I'm so fake, I laugh when its not funny and I care when I don't just so I don't hurt anyone. I say what people want me to say just to avoid conflict. I agree when I know something is wrong. I don't know who I really am sometimes. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me but I want people to know. To know how I really feel, how I really am.

[Keith]

You are just sensitive to loneliness. Why not get a penfriend or some chatting friends who are far away from you. You can talk whenever you want and you do not have to fear that he could do something or dig out something from you cos he is far away. Chatting honestly can help you feel less lonely.
I have a friend who lives on the other half of the earth. LOL but we chat a lot. We tell problems, jokes, everything including even some sex experience[all right, i asked him cos i was curious whether it hurts.]

[50Plus]

Why are you acting in a manner opposite to how you really are?

I have lived alone for all but 3 or 4 years of my adult life. I love being alone and by myself and I am, at least 19 nights out of 20.

[ETOTE]

sounds like you are a co-dependent people-pleaser.
seek therapy and deal with it.

I would also agree with your friend, move to a larger city and experience some vibrant night life and living a huge metropolis can offer.

Reminded of when I first lived on my own. There were many times I felt lonely and bored but soon realized all the possibilities that were available. Took advantage of my freedom and was not afraid to just get out there even by myself and meet people, make friends, get laid.

Why I liked the first season of the series Angel so well, spoke to what many young professionals experience even in a huge city like Los Angeles: loneliness, even though they can be surrounded by friends, co-workers, acquaintances, people.

Don't be afraid to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences, new comfort zones.

[SHOman93]

Watching other people doing something that you, yourself, wish could be doing at that second is a terrible feeling. You know what I would do? I would walk over to that group of people and introduce myself. What's the worst that can happen? They will all get up and move to the other side of the room? If you don't like were you are now, you and only you have the greatest power to fix it!

[Borg69]

Instead of just sitting there watching everyone else, why didn't you introduce yourself and make some new friends whom were there when you were there? You had a perfect opportunity, and you did nothing but sit there feeling sorry for yourself pouting over perceived losses in the middle of so much potential.

I'll give you a hint... THIS is why you're alone.

If you don't want to be alone, you gotta get up off your ass and put some effort into it. NOW!

[Aike]

There is nothing wrong with being a social person, i.e. needing the company of other people. You might be just the type of a person who can really feel wholly himself only in relationship to other people in your life. You said that you live to take care of other people, to support them and help them. Perhaps you could try thinking of this as something that makes who you truly are? You don't need to deny this part of yourself in the name of some great virtuousness of self-reliance. People relying on each other is a social fact. Embrace it.

What sounds like a problem to me is how you're afraid to open up to other people in the fear of getting hurt or unloading your problems onto other people. It shouldn't be the case that people can only rely on you while you can't rely on them. What seems to be lacking in your case is trust: the feeling that you can be safe in the company of others. I do not know any other way to build your trust in other people than to actually practice it. There's no guarantee it will work but you really need to try sharing your deepest thoughts and problems with others. Try thinking of it like this: unloading your problems onto others might be a burden on them but they might also welcome it. When others open up about their problems to you, it's a sign that they trust you and recognize you as a person who they can share their secrets with. They might be flattered if you do the same to them.

[AdamAndWill]

Instead of just sitting there watching everyone else, why didn't you introduce yourself and make some new friends whom were there when you were there? You had a perfect opportunity, and you did nothing but sit there feeling sorry for yourself pouting over perceived losses in the middle of so much potential.

I'll give you a hint... THIS is why you're alone.

If you don't want to be alone, you gotta get up off your ass and put some effort into it. NOW!

Will: Exactly. You'll be surprised how welcoming people can be if you make the effort.

I used to try to figure out why Adam always seemed to be surrounded by people - old ladies, little kids, homeless guys on the bus - and I finally realized it's because he's genuinely interested in people. He smiles, makes eye contact - people respond to that. If you're just standing there, deep into yourself, you don't seem approachable.

I know that it isn't easy, I'm not exactly Mr. Congeniality myself - but go ahead and make the effort, it does pay off.

[Bluelight]

Eh, I come from a redneckish town as well, and the gay dating pool is ridiculous... to put it bluntly, the handful of gay guys who I know exist around here are just weird.

[bilkiba]

I also live in a "redneckish" town (although that's probably an understatement here). Getting to a bigger city can help a lot, especially one that is friendly and open. Just visiting the one where my partner lives made pretty much all of my stress and sorrow go away for a while--and I was very similar to what you've described before hand.

So, yeah, get out of there, and try to make an effort to talk to people if you can. You never know when you'll strike gold.