Advice for someone that knows the answer

[Crescent13]

So this is new for me but i would like an outside opinion, I just ended a relationship that i've had for about 9 months. It started with an online dating site, i was pretty newish to the gay dating world so i started there. I was single for awhile because most guys i dated only wanted hookups, which arent my style. He was very handsome but lived with his mother, had no car, no license (he had a dui, redflag and i knew it). I was not very interested, but he was so nice to me and so interested in me that i kept driving to see him (he lives 100miles from me, I know big trouble). He was a big party guy and i'm more of a homebody, i really dont drink and he drinks everyday. I grew up in a pretty low-key environment so his past with drugs, drinking, and slutting around bothered me. He told me he didn't have a problem with doing cocaine, but wouldn't do the sunstance because he knew i hated drug use. I would have liked his response to be "im not into drugs". So i really only saw him on weekends because of the distance, he began partying a lot more and didn't call me at all when he used to call everyday, he stopped texting and stuff. I really never could trust him, because of the stories of his past he would share with me. So we were going to move to a place together, but he said he needed more time to get his affairs together so it was delayed. One day he was sharing a video with me and a message from his exfriendwithbenefits came in asking him to hookup with him...what bothered me was that my ex kept responding and responding to this guy (the guy knew we were in a relationship) i told him it was disrespectiveful to me. Anyways he didnt see it as a problem and i just finally had had enough...so much was wrong with this relationship. (there where many other problems, he felt that i couldn't handle his wild side and he told me he didn't want to change who he was) This is becoming very long my point is even though i know this was a toxic relationship that i shouldn't have pursued...i still love him. I keep dreaming of him, and he isnt a good person. I shouldnt be with him...but i miss the early days. I think i have a lot of work to do with myself to become comfortable with what i want and need.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well... I can turn this around and point out that you are too self righteous, a little too tightly wound and unable to get down and party and have fun.... Which is (most likely) his take on this situation - "God My Ex was just so F-ing boring!"

Lets make something clear here. Most LGBT have issues. the LGBT community has the highest alcohol and drug addiction rates, plus the highest depression, anxiety and other not so nice emotional issues. We also have the highest cutter and anorexic/bulimia and sex addiction and.... We are all just a big mess.

Why? Not because we are LGBT, but because the way we are treated for being LGBT.

Today the very language is against us - every time someone says 'That movies was so gay' or 'That car is so gay' it sends the clear message that gay = bad.

On top of that we have bashers and haters and still told over and over again that God hates fags and lots of other negative stuff.

End result, most LGBT have 'issues', predominately self destructive problems like drinking/alcoholism.

So... not only are the chances high you will be meeting a player (promiscuity is just one more self destructive behavior), but chances are also high that anyone you meet is going to have 'issues'.

It is ironic since most gay men claim to want no drama in their lives.... But still, that is what comes with the package.

So this isn't about getting a guy without issues and problems... This is about your deciding which issues and problems you are going to accept.

And - no doubt, you have your own issues and problems if not drama... you may not acknowledge them at this time, but they are there somewhere. You need to figure them out - I seriously doubt you have passed through the negativity of this society when it comes to LGBT without having something to show for it.

Now I will admit that this guy is a wee bit more messed up than even I would date... Well just barely... so he may be an extreme in the dating scene.

But, no doubt he is young and dumb and will (eventually) grow up.

So you are not just dating people that you meet today, you are also dating their future selves. There are a lot of people with 'problems' in their youth that sort that shit out and become much better and dealing with 'shit' later in life.

[TwisttheLeaf]

but he was so nice to me and so interested in me that i kept driving to see him (he lives 100miles from me, I know big trouble). He was a big party guy and i'm more of a homebody,

Uhhh ok so the big trouble isn't intrinsically in the distance. Gideon and I are about 2500 miles apart, and we do not have these issues. The "big trouble" is that you're a settled homebody dating a partyboy.

This is becoming very long my point is even though i know this was a toxic relationship that i shouldn't have pursued...i still love him. I keep dreaming of him, and he isnt a good person. I shouldnt be with him...but i miss the early days. I think i have a lot of work to do with myself to become comfortable with what i want and need.

I have a decent amount of experience with abused women who either are in abusive relationships or have escaped from them. They all say the same thing. "I miss the man my husband was when we got married." or "I miss the man my boyfriend was in the beginning." Every fucking one of them.

What it means? Is that you fell for a fantasy. A mask. An act. One that the person can't keep up indefinitely. That person you thought he was, and that relationship you thought you had "in the early days"? Was fiction. You can long for it, but that won't make it any more real.

It's time to find someone who can give you something -real- instead of fog and mirrors.

[Steve]

It sounds as if you already know the answers to your own questions.

You gave someone the benefit of the doubt more often than those of us who have been around the block would have considered prudent. You overlooked a lot of warning signs just because he was nice to you and you apparently really wanted a relationship at any cost.

It bothers me that you willingly overlooked what you knew were obvious warning signs. It seems to me that the lesson you most need to learn is to pay attention to your own gut feelings. Stop lights and flags don't pop up red for no reason.

Twist has some really excellent advice in the post above mine. You can still like this guy, but you should be aware that the things you like are mixed with more behavior that you know is unacceptable.

[Cuddly]

It sounds as if you already know the answers to your own questions.

Forget about him and move on. He doesn't want to change and that's fine.

[ETOTE]

he isnt a good person.

That's rather presumptuous.

So because he deals with his issues that he doesn't want to face differently than you, he's not a good person?

I've had so many friends in my life who were alcoholics, drug addicts, some even violent, to me specifically. You know what I can say about those men? I love them deeply and they are incredible, passionate, loving people who are loyal, respectful and would kill or die for the people they love.

I've stuck by my friends through their addictions to see them be free of them, some sadly have died before they reached that light at the end of the tunnel. But, because I was one of the few people who stuck by their side and helped them through their tough times and self destructive periods in their lives, they are all the more grateful, and all the more better for seeing true compassion at work through actions that helped them discover that love and compassion in their own hearts.

Perhaps you should not be so quick to judge people based on superficial, surface crap.

[East]

He wasn't who you wanted him to be and so he isn't a good person?

I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and I was a slut as well. I have been clean and sober for more years than you have been alive but I am STILL an alcoholic and addict...it is a disease that isn't curable...you learn to live with it.

If the man I have been with for almost 30 years was as judgemental as you are we would have never passed go.

[BlueStar]

Agreed with East & ETOTE.

Just because someone is addicted to drinking, drug use or partying, doesn't make him a bad person. However addiction has a huge effect on the mind which surely made him unconscious about his acts, but I'm wondering, did he ever hurt you willingly (or deeply)?

Acceptance is a precious key to any relationship, so if you'll keep judging guys over anything you don't like or can't handle about them, be it a small one, you'll never find your true love in the future. And for you not to trust him because of his past experiences (which are none of your business) is completely irrational. But most of all, if you hadn't been able to withstand your ex's troubles, forgive him, then forgive yourself for not being capable of offering any help or standing by his side.

And IMO, he's the one who needs help, not you.

[AdamAndWill]

Will: He's not a bad person. You're not a bad person. You just have very different lifestyles and world views. Sometimes it's possible to compromise, but sometimes it isn't. No blame need be attached on either side. Different doesn't mean bad. But trying to change someone who doesn't want to change is an exercise in frustration. There's wisdom in knowing when to let go.

[Crescent13]

Thanks to everyone who wrote back, I was really sad when i wrote this. I mostly wrote it for me, i really am more accepting than that made me sound lol. I dont think he's a bad guy, i meant he was bad for me. He was my first relationship lol. I hope everyone does get better and sober if they want to, i was just raised to shy away from that. Being gay is hard but i think my sticking to my morals it will give me innner strength. I'm really old school with my love of monogamy, so it does put me in an odd place with the community at times.