Long Term Friends with Benefits?

[MoonLemon]

So tell me if this is a good idea.

I had a little bit of a summer fling over the last couple of months, and well, it was great! I'm moving out of state for college, and the guy and I have really become good friends! The general agreement of our relationship is that we will be FWB until one of us enters a relationship (obviously will see each other less, or whenever I'm visiting home).

I've heard many people give the advice that you should cut off FWB at three months. I feel a lot more for this guy than a casual hook up... like we care about each other and stay in touch just to say hello. In case you haven't seen my other post, he's 47, so I'm really not worried about the relationship spiraling into some awkward exchange of one person catching feelings for the other. The logistics of that just DO NOT work. Sure, he's a nice guy and almost like a mentor to me, but that wouldn't work. Is it bad I'm going to miss him a lot?

Is it dangerous ground to have bonded with this guy over sex, but to continue doing that for an extended period of time? We've become close as people, too. Is this just an amazing set up for an awkward situation of catching feelings for each other and complicating what could have been a great friendship?

[Bhp91126]

Stop worrying and keep having fun. I've had FWB and FBs for years and it never got awkward. And if/when it gets awkward you deal with it then.

[CellarDweller]

Stop worrying and keep having fun. I've had FWB and FBs for years and it never got awkward. And if/when it gets awkward you deal with it then.

He's right. It really depends on you. If you are able to keep it at a level where you will remain FWBs, then why stop it at 3 months?

[ExpatBrit77]

Well, how often are you likely to see each other anyway?
I think as long as you're open with each other but always PROVIDED that you're not going to thinking about him when you could be meeting some hot piece of college man I guess it sounds okay.
I never really heard of FWB being properly long-term - from what I gather it's more a case of a) sooner or later someone meeting someone else or b) one of you developing feelings for the FWB but the feelings not being reciprocated, and then it just gets messy. I guess as long as you're honest with each but also as long as you aren't shutting yourself off to other possibilities because of him. Which it doesn't sound as though you are doing, but anyway....

[Steve]

I've heard many people give the advice that you should cut off FWB at three months.

There aren't really any rules for the length of time you need to "cut off" a FWB type of relationship. The duration of the FWB relationship depends on many things, which you seem to have a good handle on, i.e., have you met (or are just dating) a significant other and a part of a long term relationship, is the FWB relationship becoming an obstacle to reaching other goals in your life, is the friend (or, vise versa, you) becoming too demanding or inserting himself into your life, etc. You sound like you have a pretty clear boundaries for this type of arrangement.

Is it bad I'm going to miss him a lot?

If he's a friend I'd be worried if you weren't going to miss him. That is part and parsel in my definition of friendship.

Is it dangerous ground to have bonded with this guy over sex, but to continue doing that for an extended period of time?

Not as long as you understand the boundaries of your relationship. I've known people who've grown into a loving monogamous relationship in such situations. Likewise I have known others who have ruined a good friendship with sex. Often what happens is that over time such relationships morph into just friendship sans benefits. If you keep perspective about your friendship and keep an open line of communication, you should be good.

We've become close as people, too. Is this just an amazing set up for an awkward situation of catching feelings for each other and complicating what could have been a great friendship?

That is always a danger. Step carefully. Keep the direction of the situation in mind: Do you want to take this to the next level, or do you want to keep it casual? Be aware of your comfort level. Talk to your friend if the situation starts to feel awkward, or if you start to develop more intense feelings. Don't be afraid to pull away if you need to. Likewise don't make this a placebo for a deeper level relationship. Communication in any type of relationship between people is a key factor to its failure or success.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Long term FWB can be very beneficial. Can it end up awkward? Of course. Can you get too attached or he get too attached and end up hurt? Of course. But that can happen at 1 week. It can happen at 2 months or 3 years or never. Everyone is different, yeah? And every combination of people (relationship) will be different as well.

If you're happy and he's happy and you're not letting y our FWB hold you back from finding something meaningful and more in line with what you want in your life? Then I don't see any issue.

[Anocxu]

Keep your legs and heart open... anything is possible. Yay!