Losing a Friend

[yobobo]

@meridannight - I did try digging a little deeper and finding out why he's so confused and what's going on in his head, to which he's said "I don't know" almost every time. I simply don't know.

@iceblink - I know that it is not fair to me which is why I cut off communications with him rather than waiting for him to do it to me. I know that we will run into each other, we did today. It's not like I can get away from him and everytime I see him, my feelings are going to stir again. I've been trying to completely ignore him, but I don't know if that the most mature, right things to do.

[ETOTE]

^you are correct, it is not the most mature thing to do.

It is selfish, unfair and unrealistic to expect someone to just know everything about themselves or understand their feelings immediately and if they don't, to start demanding it from them or pushing them to come to some decision about something, especially as big as the possible realization that he may be gay or bi or understanding sexuality....

He is being promiscuous or going with other people to avoid and bury his feelings for you, him distancing himself is actually a good thing. It will give him some breathing room to fully understand his feelings and his sexuality. At least respect him enough to give him the courtesy to understand himself so when he does come back, he can be secure in himself, his feelings and secure in his commitment to you if you still want him back or at least just have him in your life as a friend.

Not everyone deals with emotions and issues in their life the same way. I suspect he is very much reserved and stoic when it comes to feelings, emotions and expressing himself because most likely when he does allow himself to experience those feelings and emotions they are extremely intense and possibly overwhelming and scary and he is probably a very passionate person. I can relate to this as I am very much the same way.

You don't have to put your life on hold, but don't cut him off completely just simply because he needs a little breathing room.

This may not be entirely the case with him, but from what you describe, because I can understand someone like him and where he is coming from, this could most likely be the case as to what is going on inside his head since you don't know but seem to want to know and understand.

Hopefully this helps or at least gives you some perspective and something to consider.

[meridannight]

i agree with ETOTE that you shouldn't cut him off. you have to work with this and build the relationship you two have. if he's evasive and uncommunicative for the time being, you can either try to get him to confide in you or let him have his space, but you gotta be there for him. if not for anything other than the simple reason that he is your friend. he's obviously going through something, so let him know that you care, that it matters to you that he'd be okay. not cut him off for any questionable future hurt you might experience. (and friendship is worth it getting hurt for anyway).

right now, it looks to me like you've both given up for no good reason at all. i don't see a major conflict here, just unwillingness to communicate with each other and to go after what you want.

i think your initial reaction was wrong. when i read your post the most important part sticking out to me was this:

We both agreed we were each other's best friends, and that we liked each other and that there was something more there.

if i have a connection like that with a guy (and i've had it) nothing else matters but this fact. this is paramount. everything else is secondary little details not to be given precedence over the connection shared. get your priorities straight.

[Iceblink]

So here it goes. I met this guy (let's call him Joe) just under two years ago. I had no idea that he was gay, and I wasn't even sure that I was gay. Nevertheless, he came into my world and turned it upside down in the best way possible. We both fell for each other and long story short, we had a very unofficial thing over the next three months before he called it off in fear that someone would find out. He was my first true love...and I never got over him. Six months went by and I found myself in a new relationship with someone else and growing closer to Joe, quickly becoming his best friend and he mine. Joe was in a relationship too and we were there for each other. We just seemed to click, to make sense, but somehow he never saw it. This was in September...fast forward to the next June and he texts me one day out of the blue telling me he likes me, but that his head is in a weird place. I tell him I like him, and that I always have, but that I'm in a relationship. Nevertheless, I wanted to figure this out between us, because it mattered, because to me, he was worth it. Well, we just got back to school and we talked for hours the first time we saw each other. We both agreed we were each other's best friends, and that we liked each other and that there was something more there. He even kissed me, which he hasn't done since he met me. But also said that his mind was so f**ked up and that he didn't know what he wanted, and that he knew he did not want a relationship right now. He had been talking to guys on dating apps and other things, but yet he said that he cared about me so. Two days later, he texted me that his mind was SO screwed up that to better MY feelings, he was probably gonna stop talking to me for a while. I just couldn't take my heart being broken yet again, and so I severed all forms of communication with him. I know I deserve to be treated better. So what's the catch? What advice do I need? We are part of the same group at school and have tons of mutual friends, so I know I will have to see him. I know that my feelings for him will never truly go away and I wish that we could just have the second chance that we deserved! I'm not banking on it, but based on everything I ever did for him, I think that now that I'm pretty much out of his life, he is going to realize what he had and what he lost. And if he does and comes back and wants things to go back to the way they were, I don't know how I should react. I'm just at a loss...I just lost my best friend in the entire world and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could go on and let life take its course, but I really don't want him to not be in it. Any overall advice or what I should do going forward? Thanks.

I have made bold certain things in your post, because I have just noticed you list your status as a being in a monogamous gay relationship and it kind of makes me have some different thoughts on this. Are you still with the guy you started seeing when you and Joe were apart from each other the first time? Are you looking for a best friend in Joe or are you looking for something more, because it is not that easy to figure out from some of the things you say here. The thread title and some of the things you say lean one way, and some of the other things you say lean the other way. If you're in a monogamous relationship with someone, have you discussed this with your boyfriend?

[Borg69]

Lots of drama going on here... Joe fighting with his sexuality/commitment issues, ping pong-ing back and forth with you and other guys, you're on an emotional roller coaster, I assume leading on the guy you're currently seeing waiting for Joe to come around...

I think you and Joe are just at totally different emotional levels of development in dating... it's not fair to you to put your life on hold waiting for him to pull his head out - IF he ever does.

And while I fully understand pining for your first love, I think your treatment of your current BF is rather immature.

It doesn't feel like it now, but I doubt your and Joe's relationship will be anything very binding once the sex is removed.

[yobobo]

I just want to take a quick moment to thank everyone that has posted on this thread so far. I have gained insight that I may not have seen before, or want to have seen, and it really has helped. However confused and screwed up you think the situation is on paper, it is more so in my head. And reading all of your words has helped me at least sort through some of my thoughts a little bit. I think I am going to take some time to think about everything and then talk to Joe. As for my current BF, we have broken up twice so far during our relationship and it has not been the most healthy, but I don't think its going to last much longer for other reasons. Am I wrong for the way I've handled all of this? Maybe so, but I'm only human. Hell, I'm only 20. I'm still learning how to live and how to make it through this crazy thing they call life. Thanks again everyone!