my partner betrayed me

[distraught1]

My partner and I have been together for 18 years. I recently found out he was cavorting with other men and doing insane drugs as a means to cope with internal pain. I started seeing behavior changes ( I would be dumb not to notice) and that prompted me to investigate. I found out...he has been living a dual life. Men, sex, drugs, new friends that I have never met. After I confronted him with all of this, he broke down, confessed, expressed his guilt and sorrow for hurting me and betraying trust. I love him and he loves me. He says that all his clandestine escapades were caused by inner turmoil, his sense of acceptance, attractiveness, being needed and sought after. These issues didn't materialize in his early days, but have come out to haunt him in his 40's...a severe mid-life crisis in which I have become caught in the fallout. I am shocked, crushed, and I am trying hard to understand and to move forward, to establish trust again....It is very difficult. Do I throw 18 years of life, love and commitment in the garbage? He has also made a friend out of this sneaking around whom he says he needs for support now, to kick the drug habit he acquired. I can't accept this...I feel this "friend" is a constant reminder of what he has been doing..although he assures me that he is done with the drugs and will never cheat on me again...he needs therapy but insists he can work it out on his own......help me please...what do I do?

[deepu69]

Talk to him. Make him realize that you are willing and capable enough to help him. There should not be another friend or other distractions.

[East]

If he doesn't want to consider therapy of any kind I would be worried. At the very least he should enter NA (Narcotics Anonymous). If he doesn't think he needs help then he will not learn a thing.

[MikeW]

Anyone who is that messed up who thinks they can deal with it all by themselves is in denial. No, one can NOT deal with all that alone. One needs support. One needs a sounding board. One needs coping mechanisms. Really what one needs is therapy and probably YEARS of it. What motivates self destructive tendencies in ourselves goes way, way back and can't just be "ignored" or "worked through" without the tools that a trained professional can give.

As for "throwing away 18 years…," sigh, that's a tough one only you can answer. I'd suggest not even thinking about it that way. You were operating under the belief and understanding that your relationship was 'one way'. Now you've discovered it was 'another way' … that something else is/was going on.

How do we deal with this? I'm not one for chucking a long relationship when it hits the rocks. There is something to be gained (sometimes) by at least *trying* to work through it all. Couples therapy, for example.

In my experience, it always takes two to tangle --- I say that on this forum all the time --- your partner may be the "identified patient" but somehow or other you've put something into this pot too. At the very least you were attracted to him [including all his dark sides you may not have been conscious of] and I assume you did or do love him in some sense of the word. This isn't a matter of "who is to blame" … it is a matter of whether or not there is a possibility of reconciliation and growth.

So, I don't know. I wouldn't think of it as throwing anything away. I assume you've had a lot of good times, wonderful experiences. This has cast a shadow on them but those were real life experiences that will always be part of you -- as, indeed, will dealing with all this, however you do so.

So, no simple answer for that one. The question I'd be asking is, is there any hope for US? Can we use this to become closer? To see ourselves more deeply and more clearly?

If your partner isn't willing to seek the help he needs, I'd have to say the answer to those questions is, no. But, again, you DO have some part in all this. Not a "cause," but this has become a part of your life path because you put yourself here. Untangling all of that could take a while. Whether you begin the process of untangling and healing WITH your partner or without him is something you're going to have to 'feel' out. What works for you and what doesn't.

[distraught1]

I do want to work through it, I can't imagine my life without him. I see the struggle before me...regaining trust for one thing...and I am willing to go through it...but, this "friend" he says he needs...how do I get past that? or should I?

[MikeW]

I do want to work through it, I can't imagine my life without him. I see the struggle before me...regaining trust for one thing...and I am willing to go through it...but, this "friend" he says he needs...how do I get past that? or should I?

Well if it were me, I'd want to meet this friend. I'd want to find out what the connection is, why he (I assume) is so important.

Again, you're asking a forum a question we can't possibly know the answer to. We can speak in generalities based on personal opinions and experience but the specifics of a situation matter and they are and always will be unknown to us, no matter how detailed you are in your account. What I would do might now work for you or for this situation at all.

All that said, I'd want to know this friend and find out if we have any common ground. I also understand your concerns regarding this person and the influences he may be having on your partner. But you are presenting him with an ultimatum. Try to imagine the reverse situation, if he was 'demanding' you drop a friend who was important to you. How would you take that? What kind of state of mind would that engender in you?

I don't know the answer here but I'd be very curious about this friend and why he's so important.

[meridannight]

he says he is done with the drugs but needs this friend to kick the habit? that is contradictory. he is either done with the drugs and doesn't need the friend for this, or he is not done with the drugs. which is it?

[distraught1]

He told me that this friend was also addicted, but got arrested and forced to rehab...he says, that showed him what could happen to himself and so put effort into stopping the drugs, and he has...he swears by it...so this guy becomes his, what? beacon of some kind?
I did meet him, we had dinner as a couple with him and his current partner, twice. I forced myself. I had to know. He was a very high ranking professional in a school system...he blew it all, drugs, arrests and humiliated in front of his community, but that was his own problem. My partner told me that he only knew him for about 2 weeks prior to his arrest. So, he called my partner for help. Now I'm stuck with this "constant reminder" of what was done behind my back. I can't see him again, I know I will confront him. I did not present an ultimatum, only in anger which was later clarified...so I gave him that space. But I resent it, I could never be in his company again, I loathed him (the friend, to be clear). He is I they way of my healing. This on top of mindless, drug induced sex games, although nothing sexual happened between my partner and his friend. Its a stumbling block in MY healing process.

[meridannight]

there is obviously something that rubs you the wrong way about this guy. that's okay, you DON'T have to like everyone. you DON'T have to make an effort to get along with him. your partner introduced him into the equation, and it's his responsibility to deal with that. he can't expect you to like him and accept his presence.

have you thought deeper into why you don't like him though? is it only because he ''reminds'' you your partner's lies? you never saw those lies in flesh, how can he remind you of anything? he's essentially a stranger forcefully injected into your life without asking you. maybe you don't like the connection that has developed between your partner and him? or the fact that he knows things about your partner that you don't and probably never fully will? or maybe you don't like the idea that your partner says he needs him to cope with things, even though he has you? or maybe you just don't like the fact that your partner expects you to put up with the influence of some stranger without asking you about it?

these are all legitimate concerns. i still say you don't have to tolerate that guy. and your partner should be aware of all the issues that i mentioned above, and think about how it affects you. he needs to prioritize some things, or at least be willing to understand where you're coming from. it's difficult to tell someone to give up someone they consider a friend (if he considers him that) and even though i can relate to your aversion to the guy, i can't fully agree with telling your partner to give that up. if the guy is an obviously negative influence on him in some way, then it's a different story. but if he wants to keep the connection and interact with him, demanding he give that up will only make it worse too.

i do say this though --- your partner is in a relationship with you. don't let some fucking stranger ruin the chance to patch things up. if you can't stand him, but your partner is absolutely unwilling to give that up, then tolerate the fact that he interacts with him sometimes and just let it go unless it does have some negative affect. you don't have to like him, talk to him, anything. just tolerate the fact that he's useful to your partner's process in some way, if that is the case.

[Bhp91126]

I hate to be blunt here, but your partner does not deserve any further trust on your part for the time being.
1) I don't know what your sexlife was like before your discoveries, however I'd get myself an STD screening ASAP, to find out whether your partner brought some souvenirs home from his adventures.
2) He MUST kick his drug-habit and provide you with proof there-of. Otherwise all other attempts at saving your relationship are doomed and will draw you deeper into his mess.
3) Check your finances, real-estate, investments, credit-score and if necessary cancel any rights you've given him over your accounts.
4) your partner also needs psychiatric help, if he really suffers from low self esteem.