What do you think about before you fall asleep?

[lauj]

Its really hard for me to fall asleep. I watch league of legends pro games on youtube and listen to the commenters until i fall asleep.

[Buzzer]

Its really hard for me to fall asleep. I watch league of legends pro games on youtube and listen to the commenters until i fall asleep.

PENTAKILL

*suddenly jolt awake*

[Steve]

Bipolar. And what I think about isn't pretty. I am terminally honest so...

A symptom of bipolar disorder happens to be racing thoughts. It used to be only when my mind was idle that this kind of roller coaster of thoughts happened, which was worst when I crawled in bed and tried to sleep. Lately intrusive thoughts have come from no where and hit me at all hours of the day as well. I tried many things to stop it, including exhausting myself, getting no sleep for hours, days, just so I could fall asleep and not be used by my mind. A little more than a year ago I couldn't take the stress of it anymore and asked for, and was prescribed Ambien, which is a sleeping aid. It worked for awhile.

What I think about before I sleep?

Everything I can remember saying or doing that day, usually the things that make me cringe because I know I sound like a blithering idiot. How I look. How I believe people see me. Yesterday, today, last Christmas, ten years ago, forty years ago. Everything I regret saying. Things I feel stupid about doing. Beating myself up over decisions I've made which turned out to be short sighted, shallow, useless. Getting sucker punched in high school. Seeing the sign on the theatre board in my high schools defaced, saying Gays and Dolls instead of Guys and Dolls and a picture of me pinned to it. Getting pissed on in the school locker room shower. The plot of the t.v. show I was watching that I can't let go of. Christmas. Halloween. Not going to my father's funeral. Extended relatives calling me the fag they won't admit is family let alone have anything to do with. Driving upstate in a snow storm to get to the hospital when my mother was dieing. The married guy I blew in the rest area while his wife waited in the car outside. Dressing in a kilt for the musical Brigadoon and hearing people cat call, laugh, call me fag boy behind my back. To my face. Listening to my mother call my a faggot. Watching my father's face turn away in shame when I was beat up in the driveway of my home at 19. Wondering if my sister hates me. Scared about Mark's state of mind. Wondering how I'll be strong enough to pick up the pieces when his parents die. Things are dead in the swamps we live around. Spiders are crawling in the walls. The dead raccoon in the road with its guts splattered from hitting the bumper of some fool's car.

And that goes on. Not just for the minute or so you may have taken to read it here. Imagine that every night from the time you fall in bed until either the Ambien kicks in and sleep finally takes me, or I've exhausted myself to the point of collapse so I don't have to endure that for very long. Imagine not being able to quiet your mind, even if you fight like hell to clear it, think of nothing. Imaging blackness... which leads into a black and white photograph I saw of our family last week, and where are the keys to dad's house at home, 150 miles from where I live. How long did it take to drive there. Our phone number started with 348, but I can't remember the rest. What were the two digits in the middle of my social security card number.

And it keeps going. The bipolar medication I takes helps sometimes. There are times I'm quiet. But medication only works some of the time, and believe me, I've been on most of them. I have begged before to my therapist to just snow me so I can have a little relief. And then for no reason I can fathom, I quiet again for awhile. A day, A couple of days. Sometimes a week. then it starts again. I up my dose, but psycho-active medication doesn't work like aspirin. You have to take it a few days so it can build up in your system and become effective, And upping my dose isn't always effective and there's only so high I'm safe to up my dosage.

Well, you get it. I've over shared and I apologize. Somehow I can't bring myself to delete it though. Sleep well GS. I'll be up awhile longer this a.m.

[Wardo94]

I never have a definite thought in my mind. My thoughts literally go everywhere when I try to go to sleep, so sometimes sleep isn't so much fun when I feel like getting away from stuff lol But recently I have had someone on my mind and they come up more at night. I've been staying awake for hours, before I would fall asleep, thinking about it.

[BlueStar]

I think of my boyfriend, my love, my everything well not just before sleep, but practically all day and night :tongue:

[Virge]

I started writing on a book about 6 years ago. I've got almost everything done except the beginning which is going to be real complicated and I want to make it simpler. I learned I can clear my mind of everything in real life thinking about that first chapter and the characters in it, trying to rewrite it my head. I can do that and fall asleep in five minutes any time of the day or night.

and I'm about to do it right now.

[LJay]

I'm usually wondering when the drugs will kick in.

[AdamAndWill]

(Adam) If Will's home, we usually fall asleep in the middle of conversation...if he's working, I think about where he is,. what he's doing, whether he's safe...and how annoyed he'd be if he knew I was obsessing that way lol -

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You seriously do not want to know the answer to that question.

I am far from a well woman in my head...

[Jake]

Alex. Naked, Dressed he occupy my mind all the time. And so do my children.