Abusive relationship...?

[Ender]

Hi all. I'm new to the forum. I've been looking for a place I can get advice regarding my relationship with my boyfriend, and this forum seemed like it might be a good place to start. I'll try to make this not too long but it's a messy situation.

I've been living with my partner for near 4 years now. We're in our 20's. I feel like for the last two years there have been times when it was especially bad between us and then long periods of good/neutral times.

My difficulty is that it feels like I am in an abusive relationship but that it feels like I am to blame for it. And I don't know what to do at this point. There have been many times in the past where I wanted to end it, because of the things he has done, but then I have been unable to. Usually what stops me is the fact that he mostly dependent on me at the moment. I make significantly more than he does and as such pay most of the bills... and he would have no where to go if I told him he needed to find a new place. (I should mention I own our place in my name and pay the mortgage.) I also love him very much and the thought of hurting him by leaving him makes me feel awful...

I guess the reason I feel I am to be blamed for his abusive tendencies is this... early on in our relationship, when arguments got really heated, he would refuse to talk to me and give me silent treatment, and then eventually try to leave. In retaliation I would try to grab him and make him stay with me to talk it out. Nothing with much force, I am not as strong as he is. Eventually I would give up, and out he'd go. He would tell me that my violent behavior and anger made him "freeze" and that he would eventually fight back if I persisted.

Well it got really bad two years ago, and then got better, and has recently got bad again. I feel like I have now given him the idea that it's okay to be physically violent. When arguments get bad, he will just resort to hitting hard or holding me down and shouting at me to listen and repeating the same lines over and over again like "you never listen, you need to listen, listen to me." He's punched me in the back, the face, kicked me in the stomach, ripped off the towel rack and thrown it at me. But then the next day he apologizes profusely (as do I, believing that somehow I started it) and begs me not to leave him. I always believe that we'll be better.

Recently I've been feeling depressed about the obviously deteriorating state of the relationship, and have been searching for psychologists to talk to that will take my insurance. But I am not sure if that will help. Not too long ago one night we fought over something very trivial but he became extremely upset. He had my keys in his hand and I asked for them back and reached for his hand, which he interpreted as me trying to hit him, so he punched me, kicked me, when I tried to get him to stop he pushed me down and held me in a lock while he yelled at me repeatedly. I could have used more force and maybe got out of it, but then he put his hands on my throat not strong enough to strangle me but strong enough that I couldn't remove them. I gave up and just asked him softly to release me until he finally realized what he was doing and left.

I have no clue what to do about this. It's just awful because a lot of time he is calm and loving. Then it usually starts to depreciate to cold and distant. Then arguments or fights start usually when I try to get him to open up to me, and then if it gets bad enough, it escalates. It doesn't help either that when I get angry sometimes I can't help my mouth and I call him names that I regret later. And it seems like to me, that I am abusing him verbally as much as he is me physically. Sometimes he also tells me that I hit him first when I swear I have not. But he insists so emphatically that I start to believe maybe I did.

Even if I decided we needed to break up, I don't know how I would or what he would do if I tried to... I know he'll accuse me of only focusing on the bad and not the good and that I can't just give up. I can't believe either that this is just who I am. My other two relationships I have been in were not like this. I was never like this with anyone. Is it possible that the problem is compatibility with the two of us? Because on almost every other level we are amazingly compatible. I have no clue if we should do some sort of break/breakup/or what, and how to do either being in the same household at the moment...

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[Gideon]

Abusive relationships so rarely get better, if anything, they usually get worse. Progressively and terrifyingly worse.

If it has already escalated into physical violence, then I would say you need to get out as quickly as possible before you end up actually -injured- or worse. Being hit is NOT okay, being made to feel that it's your fault for taking the abuse is NOT okay. It's a common mindset though, you're not alone, most abuse victims feel guilt and at fault in some way and usually try to cover it up/blow it off with their family and friends. "It wasn't his fault, it was mine" "I deserved it" etc.

If you -do- decide to break it off and you are afraid, have someone with you, even if it means calling the police just to "keep the peace" while he moves out.

[TwisttheLeaf]

There is NO excuse for violent behavior in a disagreement. NONE. Period.

In your shoes? I would have broke up with him the first time he hit me in anger. I'm sensitive to violence now, much more so than I was a few years ago, due to a home invasion that happened. But even -before- that point in my life, his ass would have been on the curb. IMO? Your boyfriend has crossed way beyond the line, and it's time to get out before he ends up doing you some serious damage.

That said. I know it can be difficult to walk away. I doubt it will work, but you -could- try talking to him calmly. Make it clear that the violence when you argue is not okay, and if it doesn't stop, it will be the end of your relationship. This at least gives him "fair warning", although I doubt it will change his behavior over the long run.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Instead of a psychologist, I would suggest you look into a community domestic abuse/domestic violence program where you can get some help, education, and counseling specifically geared towards the issues you're dealing with.

[Uneunsae]

You need to get out of this situation NOW.

[Borg69]

It's heart breaking that you've become so dependent... codependent... broken... insecure... that you would think you deserve this kind of abuse.

[StingRay]

I wasnt going to reply until I read where you take responsibility for some of the problems. New people have a habit of coming into forums and telling all the things the other person has done wrong but anyone in their right mind whos ever interacted in any relationship that it almost always takes two to make things go bad, not just one.

My room mate will probably be commenting when he reads in here tonight or in the morning and I can tell you one thing hes gonna say. ........... there isnt enough room in a relationship for two people to act crazy at the same time.

Now Ive said that Im gone.

[fiji]

Hello.

I've been in a similar situation so I have an understanding of what you are going through. This is not a compatibility issue. Your partner cannot control his temper. He sounds unreasonable and should seriously consider therapy of some sort. He physically abused you... that's awful, and after all you have done for him!

I know you do not want to hurt him, but he's a big boy and will have to learn to make ends meet on his own terms. This is a viscous cycle that he's not going to break out of unless you put your foot down. You're the home owner, you make the money, you pay most of the bills, and you get treated with 0 respect. I think he knows that he's dependent on you... like he attacks you and then drags you back in with apologies because he really needs you for more things than just a relationship.

You and I sound like similar people. WE have a hard time leaving people, because we want to believe things will change, or we don't want to see the other person suffering. This mentality is unhealthy because, what about when you are hurting? It doesn't seem your partner thinks before hurting you, he just thinks of after he's hurt you. You care about him so much and want to see him succeed, but he never does.

Trust me on this... you need to get out. You really do. You need to think about yourself and your well being. Right now you're in a lot of pain, which has been caused by this guy.

And for therapy... most insurance companies will only cover up to 8 sessions. If you need to talk you can message me.

[Gideon]

I wasnt going to reply until I read where you take responsibility for some of the problems. New people have a habit of coming into forums and telling all the things the other person has done wrong but anyone in their right mind whos ever interacted in any relationship that it almost always takes two to make things go bad, not just one.

My room mate will probably be commenting when he reads in here tonight or in the morning and I can tell you one thing hes gonna say. ........... there isnt enough room in a relationship for two people to act crazy at the same time.

Now Ive said that Im gone.

Not sure if I read this wrong or not but um...dude? He actually took a good deal of responsibility/fault for this situation from my perspective on reading the post.

Still my opinion though, that playing a part in what's wrong doesn't make the abusive behavior at all right or justified.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If I am reading what you are saying, I get the impression that he had (past tense) a constructive way to deal with his anger, and then decided to force him to face you and his anger at the same time.

In a way he is doing what you want him to do.

And he warned you:

He would tell me that my violent behavior and anger made him "freeze" and that he would eventually fight back if I persisted.

And yeah, screaming nasties at a person who already has anger issues is at best poking the bear.

I'm also detecting hints that he himself has been abused. The lashing out to protect himself when you reach at him with his thinking that you are about to hit him is not typical of abusers. It is, however typical of people who have been abused.

From what you said it sounds a lot like he has PTSD and things are triggering these fight episodes.

The fact he is seeing as you hitting him first, the idea that he is prepared for you to hit him. That he repeats the same phrase again and again (""you never listen, you need to listen, listen to me."") hints at something that is not just abusive behavior.

I don't know his past, his childhood etc... I don't know how much you know of it either - but if there is any past trauma that he has hinted at or told you, it may be actually a lot worse than he may have mentioned.

His warning:

He would tell me that my violent behavior and anger made him "freeze" and that he would eventually fight back if I persisted.

Is very reminiscent of a person who has a half conscious understanding that they have triggers, triggers being things that take them back to the trauma.

I don't see the classic power and control aspect here that is typical of abusers.

Then arguments or fights start usually when I try to get him to open up to me

Anger is a typical reaction of people who don't want to talk about their issues, especially anything that reminds them of a specific trauma. Pushing the to talk more is never a good idea, it causes panic, fear and that only escalates the outward expression of the flight/fight mechanism, which for him appears to be fight.


Since I do not know where you are in the USA, I can only suggest you start off with your doctor - ask him/her what kinds of sliding scale psychiatric and psychological services are in your area.

Failing that the county Department of Public Health.

The reality here is that you both need individual therapy - he most likely has a laundry list of terrible secrets (things done to him, experiences that have scarred him) which he may not be able to face.

You of course need to deal with the damage done by his and your inability to resolve conflict. Yeah you have a minor issue if you are resorting to name calling, which is poking a bear which you already know is able to explode into violence.

Is there fixing 'us'?

Unknown. On the outside chance that he is actually abusive and not suffering from something like PTSD, most likely no.

Even with a 'good reason' for his explosive reactions... It may be too late to actually repair the trust...

[discreetserpent]

when we first started our relationship, my boyfriend and i laid down some ground rules. first, not fighting about money. second, no violence of any sort.

worked out pretty well for us.