He's interested, but wants to wait

[Grant]

Hi everyone,

So I finally told my crush that I had feelings for him and to my surprise he said that he also had an interest in me. Besides the fact that this floored me, he admitted that while he liked me he just couldn't jump into a relationship. In a later conversation I learned that he was dumped last fall and that he's still working through that. He's a sweet, shy guy so I don't believe that he's just putting me on.

He mentioned that he wants to take it slow and get to know me, which is wonderful, but what in the hell does it mean for the in between time? I hate to admit this, but patience isn't really one of my virtues and I don't know how to go beyond the small talk crap. I don't want to rush into anything either--but I guess the open-endedness of his answer has thrown me.

We've been texting, and as dumb as it sounds I thought about asking him one question a night. Nothing more, since we're both busy people, and let him do the same back. We're several states apart (so that's adding to the hesitancy) and I'm not yet ready to just talk on the phone every night.

Does anyone else have an thoughts on this situation or ways to take it super slow and develop some meaningful conversation? I'm passed the "He's not that into you stage", there's a spark here, maybe even a small, flickering flame and I need to know what I can do that will help fuel that flame without being next door.

[meridannight]

if you are unsure about some things or acting a certain way just talk to him or ask him what he thinks about it. you don't know how slow is too slow for him and what is already approaching too fast. he needs to be open and expressive on that. and you show that you respect him by asking him when you are unsure. it has to be a two-way communication.

otherwise, do whatever feels natural. things have a way of unfolding on their own and often we are just carried along in the stream.

[Bhp91126]

if you are unsure about some things or acting a certain way just talk to him or ask him what he thinks about it. you don't know how slow is too slow for him and what is already approaching too fast. he needs to be open and expressive on that. and you show that you respect him by asking him when you are unsure. it has to be a two-way communication.

otherwise, do whatever feels natural. things have a way of unfolding on their own and often we are just carried along in the stream.

THIS!!!!

Communicate, communicate, communicate (btw that involves listening!)

[TwisttheLeaf]

Excellent advice by meridannight. I definitely feel you should take it to heart. He said what I was thinking far more concisely than I would have been able to put it together.

I'll direct Gid this way. Maybe he'll have some suggestions since he kind of eased me along to get me where he wanted me yeah? Both when we met, and also after some pretty serious experiences that turned me off sex entirely for a bit.

[Gideon]

Just...talk to him, man. Even without audio conversation, you can communicate just like you would face to face...

Just, talk to him. It doesn't have to be all digging into his psyche or delving for useful information, just chatting about your day or listening to his can be really informative and can help you get to know each other.

And relax, dude. *Grins* It's just conversation, so be yourself and enjoy it.

[discreetserpent]

Hi Grant,

The fact that this guy is prudent enough not to want to get into a new relationship after a recent breakup goes to show that he could be a keeper. Someone who just wants to sleep around or "have fun" will probably just hook up with you without even thinking about what he's doing. If you are the type of guy who wants to be involved in long term relationships, then you need to let this situation play its course.

So he wants to take it slow. Great. You know what? You should probably want to take it slow too. He's the one with baggage, and you're the one at risk of getting hurt if things don't go well. Small talk is not "crap" because that's how you start great conversations. Don't limit yourself with rules like asking one question a night or not talking on the phone. Just do what you feel is right, and be sensitive enough to know what works for the both of you.

Long distance relationships can be tricky, and this situation is much more challenging for you because you guys are still at the starting line. Communication is key. The digital age does have its advantages: you can talk on the phone, send text messages, engage in video calls, or simply chat using social media tools. Learn as much about each other, and take it one step at a time.

Hope this helps.

Discreet Serpent

[Wardo94]

It seems to me that he needs his time to get over his ex. Needless to say, nothing should be rushed. Especially since he's not over his past relationship. It sounds like he genuinely likes you, and I wouldn't say that waiting would give you bad results. I know it sucks to wait, but trust me, the fact that you finally know where you and him stand, at least for now, is a good thing. What you have to do is sit down, and really think about if you do like him to the extent that you'll wait for him to be ready. You can't speed up the process or anything, so it's up to you and you only if you want to wait for him. Talk with him as much as you can and just be there for him when he needs that person to talk to or who can lend an ear to. In time, if it's meant to be, things will fall into place. You just have to go with the flow of things and try not to pick at it too much. Like I said, things will fall into place if they are meant to be.

[jasonkirk]

Hi everyone,

So I finally told my crush that I had feelings for him and to my surprise he said that he also had an interest in me. Besides the fact that this floored me, he admitted that while he liked me he just couldn't jump into a relationship. In a later conversation I learned that he was dumped last fall and that he's still working through that. He's a sweet, shy guy so I don't believe that he's just putting me on.

He mentioned that he wants to take it slow and get to know me, which is wonderful, but what in the hell does it mean for the in between time? I hate to admit this, but patience isn't really one of my virtues and I don't know how to go beyond the small talk crap. I don't want to rush into anything either--but I guess the open-endedness of his answer has thrown me.

We've been texting, and as dumb as it sounds I thought about asking him one question a night. Nothing more, since we're both busy people, and let him do the same back. We're several states apart (so that's adding to the hesitancy) and I'm not yet ready to just talk on the phone every night.

Does anyone else have an thoughts on this situation or ways to take it super slow and develop some meaningful conversation? I'm passed the "He's not that into you stage", there's a spark here, maybe even a small, flickering flame and I need to know what I can do that will help fuel that flame without being next door.

i hope things work out for both good luck

[Grant]

Thanks everyone, I agree with everything that's been said above. I realize that the question thing is a bit hokey, but he's finishing up his PhD program and is super busy and I'm trying to avoid bombarding him with "hey, how are ya?" "how's your day going?" too often. Unfortunately, the weekends are not really any better for that kind of conversation since he's often still busy with school.

My current thought is exactly what was said above, wait him out until school is over next semester and he gets a bit more settled but to be in communication as much as is realistic between now and then. I do think he's being smart by taking his time, he had a short rebound relationship in the Spring that's now ended. I think he's hesitant to enter into anything else until his life is better organized--and I respect that.

Despite all of that, I just wish I could hang out with him but that's certainly not realistic.