I am confused.

[loveme]

OKAY! a little story. with a question at the end can you please read this? I am lost and I don't know what to do anymore. me and my Best Friend have been friends for 9 years and live about 75 miles away from each other. My friend always talks about women and has physical relations with them, he has a 2 year old kid of his own. and he does have a hard time trying to keep women and he is single all the time. (I don't know why either.) When he was younger he was raped by another man. and recently "I" came out of the closet to him and told him not to tell ANYONE (this was messages on Facebook) and also I kinda went over the edge on telling him that I like him ( Physical Relations). So with that said, He was OK with it and he always has gay people coming up to him and asking if he is gay and he jokes around with them saying that he is gay blah blah blah with a gay persons voice. (so he says).. My friend wanted me to stay at his house for 2 weeks to "hang out." While there (knowing that I am gay) he would not jokingly but more of a friendly manner let me put my arm around him for an extended amount of time, we would lay on the couch together on opposite ends and put our legs up on each other for a while. while watching a movie I would lay in bed and he would put his back up against my leg through the whole movie. and while watching another movie I would put my arm around him. one time he licked me on the cheek. also what really has me confused is he let me sleep in the same bed as him, so there I had the opportunity to pretty much do what ever I wanted to him. he would Hug me when we met up for a visit. he even tells me he loves me. but the hugging and saying I love you, he has always done. and I am OK with that. When I got back home we played a game and we got into the conversation of me being gay and I found out that he told his family that I was gay before I went to visit him. and after nine years we had our first fight/argument. When I found out, we got into an argument and he then got very defensive and angry at me and brought up the fact that he was raped and dropped communications with me for a few weeks. I then told everyone that I am gay now. and now we are all of a sudden buddy buddy again and I invited him to go on a 3 day vacation with me far away. while on vacation the first night I actually told him that I like him and reminded him of all the stuff that he would do with me while the 2 weeks we were together. He then told me that it is because we are friends and that is what friends do. I told him that is NOT what friends do. he did not mention anything to me until I got him home and myself to my house. he then messaged me on FB and told me that he knows I like him and I have feelings for him but he is not gay and says that he likes women and maybe wants another kid but he is undecided. I then proceeded to tell him that He needs to think hard on his sexuality and i mentioned that I know he was raped and then told him that not everyone out there is the same and told him that it was kind of a dick move of him to lead me on knowing that I like him and he would let me do all of those things with him and for him to tell me that he doesn't like me like that. and I told him when we slept in the same bed I cuddled with him and held him while he was asleep. he did not even have a problem with this. he told me that I am making a small problem into a big problem. (I am not sure what this even means) I then told him that he doesn't need to worry anymore because I am done. he then told me once again that he is not gay and he may want another kid someday but he is undecided and he is not confused on his sexuality. he also told me that it is not his fault that I am taking things the wrong way. and that he is confident with his sexuality. he then dropped communication with me again...and now we are up to date with today. for a couple days now, he is ignoring me so far. does anyone here that actually read this have opinions on whats going on with this? was it fair for him to play with my head and my heart or is it basically my fault that I like him?

[Gideon]

A question for you, man....this has been your best friend for 9 years, someone that you care about and cares about you...do you -really- think he is just playing with your heart or your head? Do you -really- think he is purposely leading you on?

It sounds to me like he's a bit confused about his own sexuality, his own wants and needs. It's not always an easy thing to accept you're attracted to a man..-especially- with having been forced.

I think you probably made him -really- uncomfortable and on the spot with the entire discussion of "this is NOT what friends do"

My advice is to apologize for coming on so strong, to let him make his discoveries in his own time and let him know that you care about him and -accept- him either way. He did accept your sexuality, he even accepted that you're into him...you should be able to accept who he is the same way.

Be gentle, man. I'm not saying it's your -fault- that you like him, is there really a fault here? Just let him figure it out without the pressure of feeling like its a pass or fail thing. And maybe don't be so quick to accuse him of "playing with your heart" without giving him the time and opportunity needed to figure himself out....that's really not fair.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he's straight from everything that I've read here.

Some men are more comfortable with intimacy among their friends than others. I've known straight men who slap each other on the ass when they're naked. I've known straight men who (I can definitely assure you) are not gay or even interested in men, but have jerked together.

So just because he's comfortable with intimacy with his friend doesn't automatically make him gay. And, neither would he see it as leading you on. It does mean that he trusts you (or at least trusted you), though. Especially considering his past experience, yeah? You pushing and shoving at him to make what was between you more than he's comfortable with it being? That's a sure way to mess up that trust.

[Virge]

Do you see what YOU are doing???

YOU are telling HIM what friends do and don't do --- like you really know it all. (and you don't)
YOU are telling him what YOU expect out of YOUR version of HIS 'friendship.'
You ought to be expecting nothing and treat anything he does 'give' as a gift and not something you're entitled to or can demand.

And that's just one point!

YOU decided he was leading YOU on! The YOU ACCUSED him of it!

I have to stop here. I'm not going to say what I really think about this except that *you*have*no*idea* what a true friendship between a gay man and a straight man is like and can be like because you are too busy trying to make it into exactly what he doesn't want from you.... and being a turd about it with your silly fits.

I have a friendship exactly like the one you're busy screwing up. He's a member here in GS!!!! He licks me on the back of the neck if he wakes up in a funny mood. He had back surgery 3 weeks ago and slept in my bed with me for nine nights. We shower together from time to time. I can't count the number of times he's been on the couch with me watching a movie then put a pillow in my lap and dozed off. When he's sad or depressed he'll sit where I can doodle in his hair or rub his shoulders. Sex? Are you out of your mind? I CHERISH the friendship he gives me with total honesty and ease more than any possible sex with him that would never lead to anything good or lasting.

I have to stop here. This has pushed a bunch of buttons for me.

[meridannight]

this is very difficult to answer. and answering it won't make the situation any simpler.

one thing that i saw was that he had no right to tell anybody about you being gay, his family or whoever, especially since you told him not to tell. why he did that, i have no idea. maybe he thought it wouldn't be a big deal to his family, maybe he wanted to hear some feedback from other people about your being gay and what their thoughts were...still, that was not his right to do so. and you had every right to be pissed.

concerning his sexuality, there are so many things there that i don't even know where to begin to decipher all that. however, you also say he has always done the hugging thing and telling you he loves you, so that doesn't really indicate he means anything more than friendship with it (straight guys do do that to each other and it means nothing sexual). and contrary to what the uber-macho guys will tell you, heterosexual men do have a need for physical connection with other men as well. some more, some less, it depends on the individual.

i can tell you that i was once in love with a straight guy who confused the hell out of me as well (and we weren't friends like in your case, we were practically strangers). he was physical with me in a way that went beyond simple clear-cut physicality. i'm not gonna go into all the details on what he did, it would take as much space as your whole post, but when i was with him everything about him told me he wanted me. yeah, i've sometimes had difficulty reading some guys, some things they do could seem to go either way, but that wasn't him -- he didn't go either way. the way he acted, only guys who have wanted to have sex/be romantically involved with me have acted the way he did. but he turned out to be straight.

i'd also like to add that i've also had straight male friends, with whom i've also shared considerable physical affection. i have one friend who puts his arm around me, shows other forms of affection, and has even told me i look good a couple of times. some of our conversations are loaded with sexual content in a way that if anybody overheard it they'd think we were gay for each other. but we're not. he's one of the best friends i've got and i know he is straight. that's the difference, while with this friend i also have expression of physical affection going on as with the one i mentioned earlier, this one has never been confusing to me. he can be very affectionate with me, he can talk sexually loaded talk with me, tell me i look pretty, and none of it is confusing.

the other one....either i read him wrong because my own emotional attachment to him skewed my ability to read him correctly, or my intuition was not totally wrong and he did have some attraction to males other than just friendship. but i'm not questioning his sexuality. if there's something more there he needs to figure it out in his own time, and i'm not gonna get myself messed up about it in the meantime.

and that is sort of my advice to you. i have no idea whether your friend is straight, or has some homosexual inclinations that he's even unaware of himself. it is not possible for anyone to determine that. and you shouldn't push him on this. that's the worst you could do. if he is not ready to admit it (that is if he even might be gay), you pushing him on this might make him do a 180 and fight against it even harder. he was confusing to you, and you're right, there is that. but you should know whether you got confused because he truly gave off conflicting signals, or because your emotions for him skewed the thing.

the best thing to do is, let it go, stop questioning his sexuality, be his friend, support him when he needs it and be there for him. if he shows physical affection, enjoy it and take it at face value. it's not your fault that you like him. don't ever think that it's a ''fault'' liking another person and wanting to be with them. it's human. but find a guy who is a sure thing.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hes a straight guy, who is comfortable with his own sexuality, and he's a long term friend. You have misread the situation, which is not as unusual as you may think.

I do think he was wrong to disclose your sexuality to his family, however you don't elaborate on that so Im assuming that its a non issue, at least as far as his family are concerned.

The fact that he disclosed the childhood abuse to you is a REALLY big thing for him to do. Its very likely that he has not talked to anyone about this before. As you have been friends for so long, may I ask if you know the abuser? It may be that he was looking for support from you in dealing with this issue.

Its also not unusual for an abused person to question their sexuality as a result of the abuse (Im not an expert here this is just my opinion. There are others on the forum who can elaborate) It could be that in telling you this he wanted your support emotionally in dealing with this, and a reinforcing statement from you that he's not gay - indeed his actions in being close to you may have been some sort of selftest on his part.

That you have started to come on to him (even just emotionally rather than physically) could have been a shock to him - more so than you coming out to him - because its now made him re-question all he's bottled up since he was abused.

I think the best thing you can do right now is reach out to him and apologise for misreading the situation, and try to recover the friendship. You told him your secret about your sexuality, he told you his about being abused by a guy, then you tell him you have feelings for him.

A recipe for disaster if you ask me, but hopefully one that you can recover from.

If you can't reach out and talk to him, then write him a message of support instead, including an apology for misreading the situation.

And yes, there are lots of straight guys who do exactly everything you've described with their best gay friends.

Good luck,
ObW
X

[Ken]

He could go either way. I have a straight friend that I would love more than anything to have sex with, and he knows it. He can be confusing sometimes, too. The way that I see it, is just be there for him, and I mean to make for sure that you have his back no matter what!! If you do that, it may happen. (Even if he is straight) DON'T EVER TRY AND PUSH HIM, because you will loose him as a friend, and I know you don't want that that to happen. Look at it like this. Would you rather have him as a friend, and enjoy his affection, or try and push the issue and risk loosing it all.

[axejet]

Dude, its really hard to give meaning to what he does because you guys were friends for so long that he is totally comfortable with you... The things that he does is really misleading... It is very hard, i know... Im in the same boat with you, the only different thing is this is with my roommate and we just became friends less than a year ago... But we do share the room, we see each other in undies i hive him massage and even play with his butt.. But he flirts a lot with girls so i just keep my head straight that he is straight and not assume that hes into me too... Coz if i assume, i will just get hurt in the end... I am falling for him, and he knows im gay...

[axejet]

Exacty in the same boat with you, the difference is were just two guys who became friends less than a year a go, then right now were sharing a room for financial convinence... We see each other in undies, we hug each other, i give massage and he even lets me touch his butt... but we dont say i loveyous, he knows im gay...