Virginity, Relationships, Dating and Sex.

[Rojo1990]

Hey all.
Sorry for being slow to get back to all of you. I recently been to see my therapist and I mentioned to her about the forums and me asking for help and advice from people. I thought it this would be a good idea.. I may of not have been able to talk about everything but it’s a small and first step to me accepting things and moving forwards and dealing with my issues. Like Virge said I definitely need to work on this before I can move forwards in life, I think so anyway.

Though my therapist thinks that this is the worst idea ever and she told me not to post on here again. This is why I have taken a few days to get back to you all. I have been thinking what I should do... Do I just pretend I never made this thread? But after thinking about it I don't agree with her. I think this is a step in the right direction so there!

First of all, thank you all for taking your time to read this and give me your views and advice. It really does mean a lot. For some reason I can’t seem to quote anyone. I’m probably doing something wrong. So I’ll just make this a general reply to you all.

I have never talked about in detail or clearly what happened back then with Uncle P. Me and my therapist have talked about it but never in detail. I thought I would be able to on here with a bunch of strangers but I just couldn’t. For one I felt odd… telling people I don’t know about my personal life, but at the same time I feel like I can’t talk about this to friends or anyone. Secondly it was just a bit… too much. It’s only in recent years I have started thinking about this. Since trying to have a relationship with guys these… memories have been resurfacing.

Like many of you have said my biggest worry isn’t having sex itself… I’m worried about is what will be going through my mind. And now, before and without even having sex I am already remembering all these things that I don’t want to… Especially when I am having sex with a guy, those memories are the last thing I want to think about during those moments.

I do have, use dating profiles but I never know how to mention about this stuff. Do I just put it on my profile? Or do I bring it up when I talk to a guy. I was thinking maybe I make a separate blog that covers this. When I do start talking to a guy and getting to know them and they want to know more about me I can just link to it and they can just ready that. Or is that too weird?
My race has never really been a problem with meeting guys. Only ever had one guy tell me he’s not into me because of my skin but that’s fine. People have their preferences so yeah…~

Also I am already out to everyone, friends and family. It was a problem with my Dad but that comes with the cultural background and everything. Not really here to talk about that really but there’s no real problem with this anymore so yeah.
We (me and my therapist) don’t go into much detail. We talk about it but we never go into detail. We talk about everything else that went on really… We haven’t really delved deeply into it… If that’s because she doesn’t think I am ready to or something else I don’t actually know..

I think overall from what I have read I really need to start facing my issues and learning to live with them. Growing up I never thought about it much, it was always at the back of my mind. Now I am having relationships and (hopefully) will be having sex these things have started resurfacing. It won’t go away and these scars will always be here… and I hate that… but I will have to learn to live and cope with them.

Anyway thank you all for commenting, I really do think this may be a step in the right direction even though my therapist thinks not. All your messages I have taken to heart and it really does mean a lot. If anything this is the start of things, the healing process or whatever you want to call it. I assume it will be a long road and like Bowyn Aerrow said it will probably come up and affect me now and again into adulthood. Either way I won’t get anywhere if I sit around and stay silent and not work on things for myself.

Thank you all again for your time and messages.~

[meridannight]

look, i'm no expert on psychological therapy, and you have to take what i say bearing that in mind, but it seems to me your therapist is bloody useless. you're essentially getting nowhere with her, it seems. i've never even talked to you in real person and i've figured it out you need to start confronting this issue as soon as possible to move on with your life and get to a healthier state of mind. she's been talking to you and still favors you avoiding the issue or walking around it. you will never get this resolved if you never get down to those dirty negative details and the worst there is.

i'd look for a new therapist, or at least get a second opinion. even if your current one was doing it the way it's supposed to be done, it won't work if you feel like you're not making progress either.

but again, i'm no expert on this.

[palbert]

I don't think I can top this advice, and I say that as a victim of child sexual abuse also.

You need to resolve this issue BEFORE you carry it into a mature relationship. There are people who can help you with this and you need to turn to them as soon a possible. Carrying this unresolved issue into a relationship is going to make it worse, not better. Seek a psychologist or therapist.

The best of luck with this. But really do seek out professional help.

[Sil]

I always felt sex was a lot more important when I was younger, because it sort of is. It's your first time with someone and you're trusting them with your feelings, memories, and your body (which for me, at that time, I was worried about). The more sex you have, the more you realise it's only really important when it's with someone you really love. Then later again you realise it's become important again when the spark dies down. Thus the cycle of relationships renews itself until you meet that funny, sensitive, manly, interesting nymphomaniac that doesn't actually exist.

You seem to want what most people would want - a caring, loving boyfriend who will let you take things at your own pace. You will find him in the end, don't sacrifice something important to you just to fit in or get over some sort of imagined psychological boundary. Don't give up, you sound like you would make an awesome boyfriend.

[Rojo1990]

look, i'm no expert on psychological therapy, and you have to take what i say bearing that in mind, but it seems to me your therapist is bloody useless. you're essentially getting nowhere with her, it seems. i've never even talked to you in real person and i've figured it out you need to start confronting this issue as soon as possible to move on with your life and get to a healthier state of mind. she's been talking to you and still favors you avoiding the issue or walking around it. you will never get this resolved if you never get down to those dirty negative details and the worst there is.

i'd look for a new therapist, or at least get a second opinion. even if your current one was doing it the way it's supposed to be done, it won't work if you feel like you're not making progress either.

but again, i'm no expert on this.

Thank you for this, I think I will ask to see someone else. Even if it is just for a second opinion or whatnot. It won't hurt really...

I don't think I can top this advice, and I say that as a victim of child sexual abuse also.



The best of luck with this. But really do seek out professional help.

Thank you, I will definitely work on things. It won't be easy but I'll try my hardest.

I always felt sex was a lot more important when I was younger, because it sort of is. It's your first time with someone and you're trusting them with your feelings, memories, and your body (which for me, at that time, I was worried about). The more sex you have, the more you realise it's only really important when it's with someone you really love. Then later again you realise it's become important again when the spark dies down. Thus the cycle of relationships renews itself until you meet that funny, sensitive, manly, interesting nymphomaniac that doesn't actually exist.

You seem to want what most people would want - a caring, loving boyfriend who will let you take things at your own pace. You will find him in the end, don't sacrifice something important to you just to fit in or get over some sort of imagined psychological boundary. Don't give up, you sound like you would make an awesome boyfriend.

I really do, and more so, I want to be able to make someone happy as well. I don't think I'll be able to do that at the moment with the way I am... but hopefully with working on things I will be able to one day.

I hope so anyway.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Rojo, and to GaySpeak. I have not spoken to you before, which is why I want to welcome you now.

There is a question that actually lingers at the back of my head and I'd like to put it to you. You can decide to answer it or not answer it, as you think fit. You can also just answer any of us in a Private Message if it's too much to print on a public forum.

We have all understood that something happened with Uncle P and that this thing is what you need to deal with before you feel comfortable enough with your past issues, your emotional self and your self esteem, probably.

You have consistently told us you are a virgin, but is the issue precisely that you are NOT a virgin anymore? If you have been abused, there may be an issue that you don't feel as if you are intact any more. But, as someone said, virginity is just a word, even if it corresponds to certain criteria for different people. If part of your virginity has been lost as a result of that abuse, it won't be something that you can mend, just possibly heal from in the long run. What stands out is that this experience has scarred you and has scared you terribly. It wasn't right, of course.

May I suggest that you are still a virgin to many pleasant experiences, and that you don't have to start a relationship with any kind of sex. It doesn't have to be penetrative, for starters, it can just be kissing, or touching, but maybe even that will feel awkward or unpleasant until you can learn to switch off the bad memories. New comers in your life don't need to know your past, but it will be easier for them to understand some of your hangups if they know why you are wary of certain conduts. Remember that other people can be sensitive to your issues and not everyone is wham-bang-thank-you-man about sex. Many are those who know how to take their time and make the other comfortable.

You could, maybe, rather than share what your experience was, just try to write it with no readers in mind. Write it for yourself, so that it can resurface. You've been bottling all this up for many reasons, some of which are probably related to family and cultural issues. In the end, we all want to be loved, loved by our families, our friends, the ones close to us... so, are your issues not first related to the people who belong to your past?

Is Uncle P. a person who is still alive? If you have been abused by him, is there a possibility that you might confront him with this past? Of course, he may deny it all happening. And you probably won't have much to prove your case, but it is your word against his. Is this man at risk of losing everything or part of his life if this became public? Imagine the power that means for you and the damage it might do to him. But maybe you are not vengeful, and getting revenge is not the way to go about getting better. The solution is self forgiveness, before you can forgive others for erring, for making bad decisions, for doing bad things.

You have done nothing bad, seemingly. It's time to forgive yourself for a past in which you had no control. I hope this helps and doesn't sound too judgmental. None of us have been here, even if Virge went for a rather loud red bold script...

[Rojo1990]

Hello, Rojo, and to GaySpeak. I have not spoken to you before, which is why I want to welcome you now.

There is a question that actually lingers at the back of my head and I'd like to put it to you. You can decide to answer it or not answer it, as you think fit. You can also just answer any of us in a Private Message if it's too much to print on a public forum.

We have all understood that something happened with Uncle P and that this thing is what you need to deal with before you feel comfortable enough with your past issues, your emotional self and your self esteem, probably.

You have consistently told us you are a virgin, but is the issue precisely that you are NOT a virgin anymore? If you have been abused, there may be an issue that you don't feel as if you are intact any more. But, as someone said, virginity is just a word, even if it corresponds to certain criteria for different people. If part of your virginity has been lost as a result of that abuse, it won't be something that you can mend, just possibly heal from in the long run. What stands out is that this experience has scarred you and has scared you terribly. It wasn't right, of course.

May I suggest that you are still a virgin to many pleasant experiences, and that you don't have to start a relationship with any kind of sex. It doesn't have to be penetrative, for starters, it can just be kissing, or touching, but maybe even that will feel awkward or unpleasant until you can learn to switch off the bad memories. New comers in your life don't need to know your past, but it will be easier for them to understand some of your hangups if they know why you are wary of certain conduts. Remember that other people can be sensitive to your issues and not everyone is wham-bang-thank-you-man about sex. Many are those who know how to take their time and make the other comfortable.

You could, maybe, rather than share what your experience was, just try to write it with no readers in mind. Write it for yourself, so that it can resurface. You've been bottling all this up for many reasons, some of which are probably related to family and cultural issues. In the end, we all want to be loved, loved by our families, our friends, the ones close to us... so, are your issues not first related to the people who belong to your past?

Is Uncle P. a person who is still alive? If you have been abused by him, is there a possibility that you might confront him with this past? Of course, he may deny it all happening. And you probably won't have much to prove your case, but it is your word against his. Is this man at risk of losing everything or part of his life if this became public? Imagine the power that means for you and the damage it might do to him. But maybe you are not vengeful, and getting revenge is not the way to go about getting better. The solution is self forgiveness, before you can forgive others for erring, for making bad decisions, for doing bad things.

You have done nothing bad, seemingly. It's time to forgive yourself for a past in which you had no control. I hope this helps and doesn't sound too judgmental. None of us have been here, even if Virge went for a rather loud red bold script...

Thank you for the welcome and the message. I finally have 10 posts now... (big achievement) so I can now private message people. So I think I will do that and reply back to you now.