Sex life on hold

[chris34]

Hey everyone. I am male, 34, and in a monogamous relationship with a lovely guy for more than 8 years.. i am currently the 100% active in the relationship. I do not know what got into me lately but I suddently lost interest in sex.. We used to have sex every day but now its down to zero. I believe that this is mainly cuz i somehow envy his job.. Let me explain: we are in the same field of work, but he has a much more well-paid and STEADY job, while I have to go through hell every beginning of the summer, hoping that my contract will be renewed again at the end of summer (we always stay 3-4 months unemployed in my work during summer time). We have discussed this thing so many times with my partner, i have even told him not to speak to me about his work when i am unemployed, cuz i believe that (even though he does not mean to) he makes me feel like a looser, or a failure.. most of our fights that we happened to have, are related to the `job` topic.. dont get me wrong, i am happy for him etc, i just feel so stressed this time of the year, every year, but especially now its like i cant feel any joy.. Even now that i am starting work next week, i do not feel like having sex with him (or anyone else, lol). I know u might say that i may be depressed or something, but the only thing etc that makes me sad right now is that i cant have sex with my partner.. its like i cant relax, i think bt it quite often throughout the day. He is still nice to me etc, does not make me feel bad or anything bt not having sex, he is supportive and all, and that makes me feel even worse.. My friends keep telling me that i should change the way i see things in general, but easy to say, hard to do it.. I am even considering of visiting a psychologist, maybe s/he can sort things out..
Anw, any thoughts, advice, similar experiences?
Thanx for ur time
Chris

[Borg69]

Men are competitive beasts, and often times very sore losers.

As long as you've got it worked up in your head that he's somehow bested you at some kind of game you can't win, you're forever going to be pouty and bitter over it.

Find a game, like Tennis or something that you're good at, or at least somewhat fairly equally matched at and play him. Winning a few times will boost your ego and your testosterone/libido.

... but in reality, very rarely are all things in life FAIR, or EQUAL. Sure... he might have the job you envy... perhaps you have the Looks, or the bigger dick, or hairier chest, faster car, better phone, ... SOMETHING that he envies as well.

Try to look at it more rationally than some territorial ape thumping their chest.

[Jared]

Aww, I know what your going through. My grandpa and uncle are always fighting because my uncle hasn't moved out of the house yet (he's almost 30) and isn't even trying to support his kids ( my cousins age 11 and 13). Whenever they fight I know that one of them feels like shit. I think the best thing for you to do is talk to him calmly about how he makes you feel, and hopefully he realizes his mistake and stops doing this to you.

[Beaux]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a counselor. You should also have your testosterone levels checked next time you visit your doctor. My husband lost interest in sex, got his checked and found out his levels were really low. He started prescription testosterone and now he says he feels 10 years younger (and sex is back to normal).
Good Luck,
~Beaux

[Bowyn Aerrow]

i just feel so stressed this time of the year, every year, but especially now its like i cant feel any joy..

Each year at this time you get 'down'? Hmm.

It may be a variant of Seasonal Affected Disorder. While many think that SAD is all about winter depression, different people have seasonal mood changes which do not fit this specific narrow band of symptoms.

Myself, I have the pendulum variant as I call it, depressed in winter with hypo-mania in summer - a sorta bi-polar like condition which I can regulate with varying levels of success by how much light I expose myself to.

I did make the mistake of going to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as chronically depressed because he only spent 15 minutes with me. It became a mistake because he tossed a prescription at me for one of the new (back then new) antidepressants. A bit over a month later I was in ER getting my stomach pumped and being resuscitated as my heart stopped... The antidepressants are now labeled with strong warnings about thoughts of suicide.

It would be a couple three years later while in therapy that my therapist picked up on the other clues which I was totally not seeing myself leading to a proper diagnoses, which also lead to my understanding why in winter I love speed and in summer I love alcohol - both forms of 'self medication' which I engaged in to level my mood.

Stress does not help you in any way shape or form. And I fear I have to report that lack of interest in sex actually adds more stress to you which leads to less interest in sex, and more stress and... well its just a vicious circle.


Other things you have said strongly point to an underlying condition which you may be unaware of.

I think a therapist is the right route to take. A few to several one hour sessions to get to know you, to get to know more about the details of your life will be far, far better than a single 15 minutes consult before being thrown on drugs.

Most therapists are pretty good at knowing if a patient actually needs medication to help. Thus most will refer you to a psychiatrist with the stern warning that doing drugs alone will not address the underlying issue. This isn't them trying to keep their income flowing, the reality is that therapy with drug therapy works better than just drug therapy alone.

In this I also suggest discussing with your therapist couples counseling. This issue affects you, your partner and the 'us'. So you both most likely have stuff to work on surrounding all of this.

[palbert]

I concur with Beaux about seeing a doctor to have your testosterone and other levels checked.

I would also discuss and consider couples counseling to work on the health of the relationship.

[Virge]

My man and I were almost in a situation where our careers would be in conflict. I began school to study Geology/Mining which would require moving often. He was beginning his PhD in Psychology and would not be moving much once he began a career. In any situation, he would be making at least twice what I would. That counted when we began discussing how to solve the problem.

It was decided I would abandon a career in Geology/Mining and take up a more flexible means of making an income that would would work better with his demanding schedule. I bought a large house so that I can rent rooms during the summer tourist season. With a partner I bought a line of empty stores and brought in merchants to fill them. I have started a business buy locally products that I take to other cites to sell to stores. I'm still in school for my degree until May 2015 even though I probably will never work in the field. I'm now making about what I could be making in a starting position in my field.

Maybe you should do as I did and consider making a change of careers to escape the tension you feel in this situation.

[Maverick]

Virge, great advise.

I give you a lot of credit for being flexible, and for being creative, in order to accomplish a unified goal.