Soul Searching

[princealbertofb]

So Jason, what's your new name going to be? I think you've probably got something in mind already... How shall we call you?
Congratulations on your discovery. It's a long long road to the sex change, but if all goes well, you'll soon be who you need to be.

[princealbertofb]

Wow! I didn't see that coming.

Here's my two cents: You mentioned a failed gay relationship in your past, and after that you seemed to kinda give up on them. Women do seem to have it better. They can dress sexy. Their clothes and shoes and accessories are fun and varied compared to guys clothes. Attractive women have guys flocking to them effortlessly. In a grass is greener standpoint from where you've removed yourself from dating guys and sequestered yourself at the Grand Canyon where no gays can find you, a woman's life would look utopian.

Confession: years ago some friends and I got into doing drag. At first it WAS fun! The clothes, shoes, accessories, recreating ourselves how we thought our inner diva's were. It was exciting to be able to go out and be someone else for a night. Guys hit on me whom normally wouldn't give me the time of day. Hot guys. Straight guys. Lesbians. The sudden attention was overwhelming.

Ultimately, in my case I knew it wasn't real. What they were attracted to was a fantasy. Not the REAL me. I think to a greater extent I was jealous of "her". She was pretty. Flirty. Outgoing. Sexy. Forward. Flashy. Everything *I* am not. Being her was a fun escape, but I couldn't hide out there forever.

I guess my advice is to not hide from life. Get out of the Canyon. Your a very attractive guy with a lot of enviable traits. If you're serious about this, try drag. You might see the grass isn't as green as you thought after walking in their shoes.

All well and fine, Borg, but might I suggest that doing drag is not what being transgender or being female is about?
Everyone knows that drag is fake... and is mostly meant to amuse, exaggerate and wear a mask. I'm not belittling the value of it, but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do to transition to another gender. Well, not to the extent that some drag queens go to, in any case.

It may seem like a good idea, but maybe what Jason needs to do is to start wearing ordinary female clothes, nothing flashy. There will be a certain amount of 'covering up' at first, especially while s-he transitions with hormones, loses some hairiness, and gets a bit more 'padding' and breasts. It doesn't mean s-he can't look pretty and attractive, but s-he won't want to be attracting the wrong kind of a attention, will s-he? As much jewellery and make up as feels comfortable, ok, but nothing that's going to attract the wrong kind of glances and or a wicked eye. It's hard enough knowing inside that one is different.

How soon can we refer to you as a female, Jason?

[Jason74]

First off I am not at the Grand Canyon anymore and left at the end of July and came to Colorado where I worked last winter. I also looked into a gender identity place in Denver and emailed them and they said that I should call them when I am ready to come in and talk to them and I can set up an initial appointment and they can get an idea of where I am at.

The fee for the first visit is like $25 and then every visit with a therapist is like $15 which is a steal and so worth it. They also have various group meetings for transgender people so I would set up a time to get the inital counseling and then also that day hopefully go to a meeting as well.

I have looked heavily into what it would take to live as a woman without taking hormones and all that at the moment and I could buy things that make me look like a woman like breast forms and bras, dresses, wigs and shoes (though I could never see myself in heels) I do find myself wearing stuff under my male clothes that make me feel feminine and my true self. I have watched vidoes and they say what you can do now to start living as a woman that are kind of hush hush so I am getting those pointers.

I belong to several transgender forums as well and getting advice and support so that is helpful as well. I told my mom and a few friends and they are cool with it.

As with doing drag I have no interest in doing that and I find that people that do drag are doing it for a show and I have never been even drawn to drag shows because in all honestly most of the ones that I have seen don't even look good in drag. I am not saying that I am going to make a hot female but I am just saying that most drag queens don't do the dress up for the reasons that I will want to dress up. I want to be a woman. To be honest as well some drag queens look better as guys, just saying.

This is a crazy road that I am on and every day is something new that I am learning about myself and perhaps I will get to the finish line and become a woman and that would be amazing and such a life shifting change for me or perhaps I won't and I will live full time as a woman by dressing like one and going to work as one. Though finding a job where that wouldn't be an issue would be hard.

I am still the same guy that I have always been except inside I want to be a woman. I am still very much attracted to men but instead of wanting to be totally dominate as I was in the past at times, I want to be totally submissive in a relationship with a guy or having sex with a guy. I used to be so hung up on that in the past acting like whoever the bottom is that they are looked down upon as weaker but I don't see that like that anymore. I think some people just enjoying being more passive than others and for me like I just like it because I feel like if I do become a woman that I will still enjoy having a man take control of the situation with me.

Well anyway sorry for the novel, every day I am learning something new about who I really am and what I truly want to be.

[Jason74]

Oh as with my female name I have used Sandy in the forums that I have started because I didn't think Jason was a good name to be used in those type of forums but I am open to any suggestions or ideas for my female name. I know that once I do start to dress in public that I am going to come up with another name cause sandy could be a guys name as well.

[Jason74]

Oh and I also forgot to say thanks for all the support and kind words from everyone and I appreciate that, I know that we all don't know each other very well but being accepted by people is amazing and I like that. Thanks again

[gilhooly]

My mom was transgendered and she seemed like a really tough guy. She loved women he whole life especially tough lesbians like Eleanor Roosevelt.

My mom was like that from puberty and people enjoyed her unusual personality.

My problem with your thread says you are 40. You may receive worst than judmentalism. LtCol Oliver North would shoot you in a minute. Some right wingers kill nice guys . I remember what they did to my Kennedy cousins. They got killed. Judgmentalism was the least of their problems.

Be careful. You seem like a decent guy. A lot of bullets were fired into the White House recently by people who say Obama is a Nigerian warlord. Maybe everyone is calm by you but I know New Jersey sucks.

So little tolerance these days. Maybe Colorado is more liberal than NY or NJ. News from NY is scary. Lots of blacks being killed by police choke holds. Cops show up with tanks these day in St Louis. Is Colorado that liberal?

John Marren

[gypsy42279]

Hey man not alone I at 10 put on moms White Pantyhose felt so good on my skin I mean she knew and saw it thought it was cute to lol love soft women's clothes always have

[princealbertofb]

Hello Sandy, nice to have you back. Take care, now...

PA

[Jason74]

Thanks! Its good to be back

[Lexington]

Hope this journey goes well for you. And Denver's a cool place.

Lex