I love my partner but our mental health issues are straining our relationship.

[SFGuy85]

Sorry for the long post but my mind is racing. I'm 29 and I have been with my partner for 7.5 years. I've never been attracted to guys my age so he is quite a bit older than I am. After my terrible first relationship, I found the most amazing guy in Jack. He has an electric personality, he's incredibly funny, he's like Cary Grant levels of handsome, and a very caring individual even if he tends to put walls up around himself. He is a wounded combat Marine who has always been in the closet as a bisexual, and he suffers from PTSD and has been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Jack is bisexual and doesn't hesitate to correct people who suggest he is gay. His family thought he was heterosexual and never had a reason to suspect otherwise. He has said he is more sexually attracted to women than men, but he prefers relationships with men. The way in which he is most unlike me is that he can date or have sex with someone despite no physical attraction. Either way his relationships never lasted long. The women he's been with have always wanted marriage and kids when he just wanted to have sex. He's always been too promiscuous for any serious relationship-seeker to bother with him for too long. That said, I am the longest relationship he's ever had. We have an open relationship but in 7+ years he still says he has never bothered to sleep with anyone else. That doesn't mean I am ready to consider myself "the one", but I have fallen in love with Jack. I know I'm not his ideal because my name isn't Marilyn Monroe, but he has told me I'm very handsome even if I know I'm not his fantasy. We have so much in common otherwise that we are completely simpatico.

We started living together a few years ago. I have a severe neurological disorder that causes motor tics which put me in excruciating pain. I was on painkillers for years because of this and it turned me into an irritable, nagging bitch. He is very supportive of my condition even if he wasn't thrilled with how I'd act sometimes when I was medicated. I got off the painkillers this year because I'd rather be in pain than drive him away. Unfortunately my condition makes it difficult to work now and he's supporting me in a big way. I've been looking for desk jobs but in San Francisco they are very hard to get and I can no longer drive because of my condition.

Jack started getting manic last month while we were on vacation. He was drinking very heavily on the cruise ship every day for 2 full weeks, far more than I'd ever seen him drink before. Then he had a severe mental breakdown two weeks ago. He came home completely wasted and said he didn't love me anymore (so you did love me??) and when the lease is up we are going our separate ways. He said he couldn't live two lives anymore. I wanted to die. This wasn't a year into the relationship, it was almost 8 years. He started going crazy. I had no idea what to do except stay up with him for 24 hours so he didn't try to drive the car. I called his brother who came over and told me to call 911.

The first week I spent 12 hours a day with him at Kaiser and now 6 hours a day with him at a private psych unit (stricter visitation rights). The staff actually requested me to be there with him because he was so agitated from the medication and the acute psychosis and I was the only person who would calm him down. He'd go from pacing around the room and throwing things to sitting on the bed with me and talking. His brother asked me if we were in a relationship and I had no choice but to tell him the truth. He said he thinks Jack being in the closet is why he had the breakdown. His brother said he loved Jack, and he loved me, and he didn't care. He just doesn't want Jack to hurt himself.

The paranoia-fueled mood swings are still there. He goes from saying he doesn't love me anymore to saying I am the #1 person in his world. He'll ask for a big hug and kiss and then an hour later yell at me to stop touching him. This morning he accused me of manipulating him and said he couldn't trust me. Later in the day we were sitting on the bed talking about how we were going to spend most of our days together once he gets out. I'm worried his bipolar disorder is going to rip me to shreds, but I can't even think about leaving him. I'm extremely concerned about how his bipolar disorder is going to impact him as he is grappling with his identity and coming out. He knows he has to change things in his life to become mentally healthy, and I'm terrified he's going to pick going back into the closet and seeing only women.

[East]

Is Jack a Virgo by any chance? I know...weird question...but Jack sounds like a Jack I used to know. He would probably be in his 60s or maybe 70s now though.

[Rareboy]

Drugs.

Sorry, but for both of you, the answer is going to lie in taking medications and having a therapist/doctor that can help keep each of you in balance.

Along with this, you both need to identify the things that can trigger acute episodes....neurochemistry can be affected by a number of factors including alcohol, glucose levels, trace chemical imbalances, etc.

Many people lead successful and happy lives managing behavioural and neurological disorders.

The larger question for the two of you is whether you actually can or should live together. to be blunt, I don't think you should from what I read. I get the sense that his sexual appetites and being in the closet adds a huge level of stress on a partnership that couples not battling their own mental health issues would not likely survive.

I think that the two of you need to be realistic about this before you spiral into a mutually destructive co-dependency.

I suspect that if each of you has his own life and space that your friendship will survive a lot better.

[Lexington]

I wish I had some sort of magical gargoyle words of wisdom that would make everything OK, but I don't.

Love actually doesn't conquer all. It just makes unbearable situations more tolerable. If you didn't love Jack, you presumably would've been gone long ago. But this doesn't mean a happily-ever-after is around the bend. The road you're on is a decent indication of how it'll be from here on it. Yeah, hopefully, he'll get a better grip on his mental health, and things won't be as rocky as they are now. But if you're waiting for a magical movie moment, I'd say it's best to forget it, and assume what you see is what you get. That doesn't mean it might not be worth it in the long run.

One thing I'd recommend is perhaps getting back on your medication. His needs don't trump yours. And by making yourself completely reliant on him, you may be causing him just as much stress as you did when you're your bitchy medicated self.

Lex

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Its a too complex situation for any single post.

One thing is you need to stop burning bridges until you get to them - or if you are sane than me, stop trying to cross them before you reach them. What if's rarely work out to be the reality. Try not to focus on those.

One interesting thing about the Universe is that it has a forth dimension of duration, or what we call 'time'.

You need to understand that everything isn't happening all at once. Sure it feels like it, but the reality is that these things are taking up their own personal time slot during the course of the duration of X (day, minutes, hours, years, whatever).

People who can manage the 'now' problem and put the later and past problems to the side during Now tend to fare better than those who try to work on all the problems regardless of which one is occupying now.

Right now you are trying to cope with his bi-polar swings they happen AND you are trying to deal with the long term aspects that MIGHT happen.

Since Jack is in hospital and you only have to deal with his problems for 6 hours a day, I strongly urge you to find ways to refocus your attention off that problem whilst away from hospital and find other things to do. I don't know, perhaps focus on your neurological disorder?

The other part of this is I assume the doctors are currently clueless as to the why Jack has suddenly become manic depressive, if they don't know the underlying cause they can't give you a prognosis nor have a working treatment that will have a predictable outcome. Or predictable to a degree.

Humans can't cope with unknowns and uncertainties for the long haul. We need a certain bit of assurance that tomorrow will arrive in a timely fashion and hold as few surprises as possible.

You're no longer on pain pills. That chronic pain is going to make everything in your life feel worse. you may not like the side effects of the pain-pills, but for now I think you should discuss with your doctor going back on something to reduce the sting of the pain so you can muster the assets you have been spending on that to address other issues in your life.

There are pain management specialists. When I'm doing the doctor thing, I have a whole interesting regiment of pain management that goes beyond popping darvocet or other narcotics. Such as using low dose Amitriptiline (an antidepressant that apparently does tons more), using generic valium (low dose) (muscle relaxant) and exercise to strength the muscles around my 'problem areas'.

Physical therapy actually works for nerve pain, muscle pain and other sorts of pain. Now days there is gabapentin and other nerve pain specific drugs.

The point is there is more than just popping pain pills for pain management. If you start focusing on this a few hours of your day, this may actually give you back a sense of control and power in your life which no doubt feels out of control right now.

Having a sense of empowerment in one area of our life can do wonders to make bearing the uncontrollable parts easier.

[TwisttheLeaf]

First and foremost, IFwhat it takes to get him back in balance and his mood disorders under control is to go back into the closet and back to dating women... would you really rather choose to have him fucked up and with you than no longer with you but healthy?

This is something you really need to consider, because the fact is, if you love him, shouldn't you want him healthy and whole, whether he's with you or not?

As for your own issues, which is what you NEED to start focusing on. Bowyn Aerrow is 100% correct in what he says about pain management. Physiotherapy, a SMALL dose of pain meds (not enough to try and obliterate the pain, but enough to make the pain more manageable), and other pain management techniques could combine to give you a good deal of relief and allow you to live your life without your pain dictating it.

Instead of going to a doc and saying "I want pain pills", try going and asking for assistance in finding a "pain management regimen". It's very possible he'll refer you to a specialist, which is a GOOD thing. You need to find what works to get your own life back together.

[palbert]

I see so much codependence I have trouble figuring our whether you're lovers, nurse and patient, companions, or two scared people sheltering from the world.

At this point you can only see that Jack follows the course of treatment recommended.

That leaves you - almost quite literally. It appears no one is looking out for your health. mental and physical. Get your own doctor and your own counselor before thinks progress any further. In this type of situation your position, future, and well-being are at risk.

Best of luck.

[CuriousPhoenix]

There are a lot of complicated aspects to your situation.

First off, bi-polar disorder can be treated, but it takes dedication and hard work. It's not just popping pills and then moving on. Right now is the time for you to do research and find out ways that bi-polar disorder can be managed and come up with a strategy to help him.

Next, you need to get your medical problems in order. Either take the medication or try and go to the doctor and find new ways to manage your pain. If you guys are going to work these two things have to be taken care of.

Next, once he is in a better mental state, discuss what he wants to do about coming out of the closet. Discuss it with his doctors too because they probably could guess if it would help or hinder his mental health. Bring in his brother too, that will help to show that he can come out of the closet to the rest of the family.

Once this is decided, you then can decide if you want to stay with him. Bi-polar disorder is a life long battle and it won't be pretty all the time. Only you can decide what you want to put up with and how long you want or can put up with it.

[LEANDRONJ]

From what I've read you are both toxic for each other! please...please get out of that relationship as fast as you can, for the good of both of you! sorry to be so blunt!

[Camfer]

Lithium can do wonders for bipolar people.