Feeling sick.....

[Jake]

East I have married Alex for the very same reasons, and well my estate worth few M so I know there will be a cock fight if I was to suddenly go. I can already know who from my family would try to skin him alive and Alex would be way too emotional to react or fight back. Yes, I say Alex, but the same could happen to me as well, although with Alex it would be more a question of where to bury or what to do with his remains, in my case because I'm from a very old and aristocratic family there would be money and the place of rest because the family have a Mauselum and they want everyone who bear the last name to be buried there. Which you guess I refused.

Alex and I have been 9 years together and next year we're celebrating 10 years of relationship and 3 years of marriage. But I understood fast that life can throw some nasty surprises at you (just last too week was crucial not to say the least.)

Flu shot never had that and I refuse to take it, I will change my mind at 50, but right now my system is still strong enough to fight a flu and the common cold.

But honestly, go for the marriage, I'm just like you that I didn't get married for the same reason, and not for love either. Yes, I made it a huge event, but the real reason behind it was to protect what Alex and I have built together. And from what I understand before we split I'll have time to see his beautiful blond hair turn to gray.

[dynamodean]

First of all, congratulations!

I think in some ways it is actually a good thing that you're feeling a little anxious about marriage, it means your partner and your relationship means a whole heck of a lot to you. I think you and him taking the plunge together will only strengthen your relationship and you will look back at this as another event that you shared together (through the thick and thin). I remember one of the things you told me that helped me out a lot in the past: things happen for a reason, and you will look back at the paths you took and the events that unfolded and you'll find that it all made sense.

Be strong, my friend.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

and we both have the same fears about them rounding us up like Nazi Germany...it wasn't so long ago that it happened and it definitely can happen again.

This thought sits in my head a lot. This 'sudden' change in acceptance and opening the doors to gay marriage makes me wonder if we are being tricked to register as 'gay' just to be rounded up.

I think (hope and pray) that its just that we are a product of the 'bad old days' and just have too many negative experiences.

But yes, the worry that he will be helpless legally should anything happen is a good motivation for marriage.

If you both are leery of the marriage thing the alternative is talking to a lawyer type person and getting legal papers drawn up that assures you two access and rights both for hospital and death rights.

You two have been together for 30 years, you are married in every sense except legally. Yes you are even married in the eyes of The Lord (God) whilst many will scream in horror at such an idea... still....

You'll be ok.

These jitters are normal of folk entering into marriage. No matter a persons age or how long they have been with a person, something about marriage just brings out the nerves. I guess its the idea of the vows and the concept that 'this has gotten real' that has the largest impact.

It really shouldn't affect you two, not after 30 years.

[spilovn]

...and we both have the same fears about them rounding us up like Nazi Germany...it wasn't so long ago that it happened and it definitely can happen again.

Oh please be serious, that will not happen, it just will not, im telling you it will not and its kind of ridiculous to suggest it definitely can happen again, even though it didnt happen in your country, its just completely daft for so many reasons

[Borg69]

I think I know you well enough to know that you're basing the idea of marriage on your parents as role models. Don't!!! They weren't the poster of perfect unions by any means, and just because you get married it doesn't mean you're going to turn out like, or into them.

YOU are in control of your own life. Make this what YOU want (and some for the BF). Create the kind of married couple you want to be... not what you fear its destined to be.

xoxo

[CellarDweller]

The prospect of getting married should not bring on such negative thoughts. I'm not saying that because I believe marriage is for everyone. I'm saying that because there is so much positive things to come out of marriage.

Perhaps you are looking at this the wrong way. Instead of looking at potential failures, look to the positives. Your relationship will now have legal protections.

I have two friends who just got married when their state (West Virginia) allowed it. They've been together for 36 years this year, but did it to make sure that all the paperwork they've already done (wills and such) would be strengthened by the legality of the marriage.

[East]

Well....I didn't exactly chicken out but a business thing came up earlier today that we had to attend to today...so next Wednesday is the target.

I intend to turn it around in my mind. I can get really tough with myself which is usually the way I overcome my biggest obstacles and there are alot more points you guys made that I want to address but I have a house full of people at the moment so later...and thanks for all of the advice/insight...I appreciate it....

[Steve]

Now you have a little extra time to wrap your head around how you feel, which is good especially if you're going to turn this nebulous negative into a positive experience. Reading the OP most of my reaction was cold feet. Not in terms of you want to back out or aren't sure about the relationship (after nearly three decades you sorta just know, right?), but I sensed the same sort of nerves most people experience before taking a major step in their lives. It doesn't just happen to straight people.

In every subsequent post, your replies are well reasoned and each time you wrote as if you felt more sure of yourself. Even in the last post you sound like you've taken a deep breath and are in a more peaceful place.

Its like a mild panic attack, I think. I talked a groom through it once. Mark and I talked his nephew out of an attack of nerves when he and his wife discovered they were having a baby.

There's nothing more natural than a solid case of nerves, throwing up all the red flag "what if" worst case scenario moments you can imagine. Getting married may feel a little different to both of you at first. I think it will only add solidity to what is obviously a great couple. Think of it as the next book in an award winning series.

I envy you and your guy. Congratulations.

[Virge]

East -- Get you ass married. Do it in a big way and invite a bunch of people. You see the worries now and you can get rid of them pretty easily in California. Let us know when the event will be.

IMO The most important part of marriage is that it moves us past the 2000 years of no equality, (laws, taxes, finances and property) Jay and I have nine months until we get hitched and have already been through the "is it really worth all the trouble?" debates. I'm a penny pincher so when I see what his mother and mine are going to be spending to make our marriage happen I have panic attacks about so much perfectly good moolah going down the tubes for a "party" about us. I could do a lot with what this thing is going to cost. My dad told me to shut up about it -- "it's the way these things are done."

He might as well have told me I was too young to understand or even worse "because I said so." I started doing some reading to understand.

What's marriage really going to change about our relationship or yours? Not a thing. When you boil it down, it's just an old social tradition going back thousands of years before religions took it over, right? It was and still is just an excuse to bring together families and friends for a party, And that's where it become important.

Here's the short version. >> Marriage originally made the families and friends of the newlyweds all one extended family and set of friends. Everyone became related. That's what the big party is supposed to be about -- so everyone can get to know all their new relatives.

So my brain started thinking about it. His family and mine plus all our friends becoming as good as one huge family??? That idea is nice. I CAN LIVE WITH THAT! So... once the actual ceremony and before people get up Jay and I are going to do it the old fashioned way and tell everyone to get acquainted because as far as we're concerned from that day forward they are all officially family!

But then -- on to another subject. When we're married I'll be 27 and Jay will be exactly 30 years old. (hahahha! I insisted on getting married on his birthday! He used to worry all the time about turning 30 and being single.) One of the big things after that... and I mean the number one priority... will be to set up life insurance, retirement funds and all the legal details in case something happens to one or even both of us. We don't ever want to have to worry about all that again. While they're getting drunk and acquainted Jay and I might run out to have a moment all to ourselves and decompress with strangers at a small bar... just to keep things in perspective... and just be two ordinary guys having a chat... or maybe get two big fountain drinks and ride around like we like to do... just to make sure we both keep our heads on right and not let marriage change anything.

I already see that working. Jay's parents and mine are already good friends, vacationed in the US together last May. Mine are flying back to Australia with his after the wedding. Some of Jay's and my friends in Brisbane are staying on after the marriage to hang out and spend time with us and our friends here.

Stop worrying so much! and CONGRATS!

[meridannight]

maybe i should keep my mouth shut on this one, but i think you're getting married for the wrong reasons.

if you're doing it purely for his sake, that's a bit different, but if it's just for the legal technicalities....that's not a reason to marry. not to get into the whole marriage-isn't-going-to-change-the-nature-or-strength-of-your-relationship thing, that's true of course, but you already know it.

i know you think you'll never do it if you don't file the papers now, but maybe you should take some time off and seriously think it over in your head why it makes you anxious, and why you're having such an adverse reaction to this thing? maybe there's some things you haven't thought about, that are not so obvious? even at age 57. you do have the time of your life to file those papers, rushing into it is not going to make anything better either. get some peace of mind on this issue BEFORE you take that plunge. this is not a way to do it.

i do wish you luck.