She changed on me

[justsaying]

Hi, I am so happy to be a part of this forum. You guys rock and are great source of advice. This problem of mine deals with my friend. Majority of my friends are either married or living together and they are heterosexuals. I have had a friend now almost 20 years, we were great as friends until she found a boyfriend and he moved in with her.

During the past 1.5 years I noticed a change with her. We used to meet almost once a month for coffee or lunch and recently during this time she made no effort as to meet and always made excuses. All my other friends where there for me except her when I broke my foot. She lives a few miles away so it is not like she can not visit or meet.

Somehow I think she and her boyfriend made some sort of agreement for her not to meet me. No they do not know I am gay. I am not out so I like to keep things this way.

I picked a bone with her last month but all of a sudden she became defensive and told me that she sometimes emails or phones her other friend once every 6 months. She also told me if I keep this up that I will soon loose all my friend and endup being alone.

Now 2 months later I have lost all feelings for her friendship and upset that she does not take time to meet me in person. It bothers me that things have changed and she wants to keep this relationship virtual.

I have always been there for her when she needed help with her website and design work, so you get the picture...

I don't want to confront her, nor I want to talk to her, she calls always from her car when she is stuck. Before all this if I called her at home, either her boyfriend was there and the conversation became very business like or she would tell me she is busy working from home.

Anyways I will shutup now and see what you guys think. Do relationships change because of ones partner? I guess that is sadly the case but she does not want to tell me the truth. IF she did tell me it is because of him, I would be understanding but she has not.

[Rareboy]

Sometimes friendships end when a BF or GF enters the pic. I've certainly had it happen.

I guess you have nothing to lose now by telling her that you're a homo.

[Borg69]

You'll find in life that most "friends" are opportunistic acquaintances (parasites). They're there for you when they need something, and as long as they're not put out by it and can contribute minimal effort.

She'll call the next time she needs something.

[Melody]

You'll find in life that most "friends" are opportunistic acquaintances (parasites). They're there for you when they need something, and as long as they're not put out by it and can contribute minimal effort.

She'll call the next time she needs something.

She sounds like one of my ex friends only differences are she knows I'm lesbian and did not have a boyfriend but was hooking up with some random guy .

[Beaux]

If your not out, then it is pretty obvious that her boyfriend doesn't want you and her hanging out because he sees you as competition.
~Beaux

[CuriousPhoenix]

Yes, sometimes having a significant other changes things for them. They don't have all the time in the world to visit with friends like they use to because now they are spending a significant amount of time with their partner. It is a bit weird that she has basically cut you out of her life. Usually, you want your friends to like your partner so that you all can hang out and have a good time. Apparently, her boyfriend doesn't care if anybody likes him or not because he's keeping her to himself.

I have a friend that gets very obsessive with her partner when she is in a relationship. For a whole semester she basically spent a ton of time in her room with her boyfriend, being unsocial and sometimes unfriendly. Once the boyfriend was gone, she went back to being her old self. We make fun of her for it today.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My gal pal moved up to Oregon with her 'not my boy-friend' Boyfriend (its complicated) and the distance between us has just grown wider and wider and wider..... I knew here since heck was a pup (recently heck died from old age).... These things just happen.

Life changes for people just do that. In my case its a geographic change, in your gal-pals case is a relationship change.

And yeah, if they think you are straight then there is a high chance he got all jealous thinking you were trying to be her boyfriend. I bet if he knew you were just one of the girls he wouldn't have that big of a problem (jealousy) of you.

But then chances are rather high that her new boy toy and her have struck out on a new course in life which just isn't where you are going.

Strong, life long relationships - friendships, require as much work as marriages do. And honesty and trust and communication and... well everything except the sex.

[ShiftyNJ]

Went through this except mine and her guy knew about me... in the beginning of their relationship they were fine with it and I was happily included as a third wheel or she and I would go out and he'd stay home, but over the years we have drifted. They also had kids, which I know are a time-eater, and she joined a different church, which I went to with her once but felt uncomfortable in (they had links to Focus on the Family, etc., on their web site, so I suspected "my kind" was not really welcome). At the same time, I met my guy, got busy with volunteering, and just don't have the ability to drop everything like I used to.

Now their relationship is rocky and she has reached out to me a few times. It has been a long time, but we never really had a "falling out" just stopped making time for each other. I would like to try to give her another shot if we can make it work.

[justsaying]

Thank you all. It is not so much the fact that I am not out or anything like that. Like many of you have said, if the person is insecure then that does it. I can recall now 4 of my friends who got married in the past decade are now divorced, but prior to that they ignored me because of the same situation. Once they got divorced and lonely they came back to me asking for my friendship. I tried allowing one of them to cry on my shoulder but it ate up my energy and made my outlook in life very negative. Same again with friends who did not get married and had girl friends, while they were under the sheets having fun they ignore me but once their relationships failed they came running to me.

I hate to be used, now older, I need to be wiser. Time for me to dump people who are users and move on. Thanks again all for your input.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Wait until you do it before you start tossing people to the side.

Early romance/hot passionate love makes people do crazy things. After a spell, when that wears away leaving deeper forms of love, those people start socializing with other human beings again.