a short note

[lonelylad]

dear members,

this forum is very friendly and helpful. i like being here very much.

i have a lot of self-esteem and self-worth issues and it has affected me mentally and emotionally.

some of my questions posted in the forum might seem silly. but it is because i have plenty of negative thoughts about myself.

i feel that by discussing about these issues in forum, i will understand how irrational they are and able to overcome these negativity.

i am really grateful to the members replying to my posts. i really appreciate them.i find that when i read the members' replies, i feel much better and it boosts my self-esteem and makes me a better person.

i hope the members are alright with me posting about these topics in the forum.

thank you.

[BlueStar]

I assure you nobody here has a problem with what you are posting. If you need answers, advice, support... we are all here for you and glad you joined. Your questions are not silly, you are just getting to explore yourself and discover your world. Hopefully you will overcome all these issues and make peace with yourself. Be strong!!

[dynamodean]

Please continue posting and never feel that you will be too silly. One thing about GS, is that we are all welcoming and accepting. Chin up!

[Steve]

I dearly wish I could tell you not to feel lonely, but when it's just you, a keyboard and a screen, it's difficult to make make anyone feel less alone. If I could I'd give you a friendly hug right now, because most people deserve to feel wanted. To know that they have people in the world who care about them. That their lives means something.

I have written these words to other members. I mean what I write now as I meant what I have written before. If I can show support to people who have felt alone, helpless and hopeless then I will continue to write them.

Keep posting. I believe in GS and I think others do too. We really are a support group for those people who honestly feel alone in the world, flying through life without a net. Most people here give the best advice we know how to give based on our own lives, our own experience. We wouldn't be here if we thought you didn't matter. Members don't post advice and opinions to help others because they don't care. We do care, or we wouldn't be here.

Many of us understand those negative feelings. That stab of pain and fear, of standing alone against people who hate you for no other reason than that you exist. I have been nailed to that spot of fear and self doubt LL. You are not alone.

You're a good person. Remember that and hold onto it. I'm glad you're here.

[Hardheaded1]

Post away. We are here for one another.

[MikeW]

It is very unusual to grow up gay and NOT have a negative self image.

Our self-images are largely made up of reflections we've gotten back from other people around us, our parents, siblings, teachers, school chums, and society in general.

The most important thing to begin to learn is that WE ARE NOT AN IMAGE. Just as you are not the reflection you see in the mirror, you are not your self image.

Don't get me wrong, I understand how important this "self-image" is -- how debilitating it is to have one that is a distortion and negative. The thing is, who we are in reality is not who we think we are or who we imagine ourselves to be or even who other people tell us we are. Only we, in our most inner hearts, KNOW who we are -- and often that knowing is very clouded and mixed up with a lot of voices we've heard and images we've gotten from others who have their OWN problems.

This is the thing we all need to learn. Almost all of us judge other people by some laundry list of standards but most of us don't really notice ourselves doing this. Just try it… look at someone you don't know and NOTICE how you evaluate them, whether they're attractive or not, whether you might like them or not, whether they are someone you would trust or not, and so on.

The point being that ALL these judgements belong to YOU -- they may or may not have *anything* to do with the other person.

This is what we need to understand. When someone else judges us (either positively or negatively) those attitudes say more about THEM than they do about us! They are thoughts and feelings taking place within that person, they belong to THEM. Same thing in reverse. When we have judgements of other people, these thoughts and feelings are apart of our inner world, they belong to us.

It is very difficult to see ourselves (or anyone else) *objectively* precisely because society has given us criteria for evaluating other people. These criteria may be useful at times (just as often very limiting) but the point is, these 'criteria' are just that -- assumptions, often based on stereotypes and prejudices, that we have absorbed by others.

Having a negative self-image is debilitating. It keeps us stuck in cycles of behavior that prevent us from moving forward in life. But the question is, how do we overcome these feelings and ideas we have about ourself (and other people, too)?

I have one exercise I'll share with you:

Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself for a few minutes. As you do, NOTICE what goes on in your mind. Notice how you judge your reflection, compare it to others, 'think' different things about it. Pay careful attention to your 'feelings' about this reflection -- whether you find yourself admiring it or critical of it or some combination. After a short time just stop and walk away. But next day do this again.

What you're trying to do is JUST SEE WHAT IS THERE *without any thought or judgement or criticism or admiration or comparing*. Just trying to see what is. (I find this very difficult, by the way, LOL!). Look at your reflection as if you were looking at someone you've never seen before and know absolutely nothing about.

My experience is, when I get closer to seeing myself more 'objectively', I get a kind of funny feeling inside. We're so FULL of ideas, thoughts and feelings, that we don't know how to look at anything and just see what is there, accepting it for what it is -- neither criticizing it, comparing it to anything or anyone else, judging it or, conversely, praising it or admiring it. We just *are*, so to speak.

This little exercise can be the beginnings of having a more objective attitude toward ourselves in all our aspects, not just our visual self-image. It points us toward a way of getting to know ourselves *for who we actually are,* not based on what others have said or suggested. It can be the beginning of a new self-awareness and a kind of self-acceptance that says: Ok, I am who I am; I look the way I look; I do what I do; I think what I think; I feel as I feel. Within this there will be things we may want to improve about ourselves. That's fine. But, at the same time, we have to be very careful. If we're not seeing ourselves objectively, we're apt to want to change things about ourselves that not only can't be changed but need not be changed, merely accepted. For sure, all of us, everyone one of us here, can be better human beings -- that is, manifest those qualities that make us better, happier, more fulfilled people. We need to gradually see what needs improving. BUT at the same time, we need to accept ourselves as we are. None of us are perfect. Not one of us is free from prejudice -- or many other things I could name that stand in our way of actualizing our full human potential. But the first step is to see ourselves as clearly and as free of judgement as we can. Only then can we begin to know what really matters, what we can change and should change, and what needs to just be accepted as "what is."

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To be honest I would rather you got a professional therapist/counselor to actually work on 'stuff'.

Why? because forums are limited.

Therapists will keep notes, and follow your case and ask you questions which will lead topics down interesting alleys and side roads which often have answers you just won't find by casual forum discussion.

Another aspect is that you can't hear our voices, thus don't hear humor and other tones which change meaning of what is being said.

This isn't to say you should stop talking on forums, its only to say that you need to seriously work with a person one on one with your issues to get real help.

[LJay]

Bowyn is right that therapists are good, but PLEASE keep on posting here. You can ask absolutely anything you wish. The folks here may not be experts but they have a lot of experience and are willing to talk things out with you. You will get many, many differing viewpoints and that can help you think. Glad you are here.

[Wolfpack]

If posting on here and chatting with members about you problems helps you then that is great so keep on posting.

[lonelylad]

thank you very much for your supportive words friends. i feel happy to be part of this forum.