Taste in men and my personality

[alex27]

Yes, I do need to go out and look, but where to go when you don't like clubbing! Because I only fancy manly guys and am not that manly myself its difficult. I couldn't approach someone myself because there probably straight! No-one ever approaches me in every day life, why would they! Being straight must be so much easier, its safe to just assume the opposite sex is straight on most occasions!

Does anyone else get the impression a lot of manly gay guys only seem to fancy other manly gay guys? I sure get that impression from what I have seen in person and on dating profiles.

Thanks for all the advice so far everyone :-)

Alex

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hey everyone and thanks for replies! I do like dominant men but my post came across about dominant in bed perhaps, I just want to feel protected and looked after "not in a financial way lol"
If I give an example, when a guy makes a pass at another guys girlfriend, the guy steps in and defends her. I know there are dominant guys about but they seem in short supply, how do u find someone manly without going clubbing or the dreaded "dating" websites? if I did get lucky and find someone, imagine if he wants me to f**k him. Any advice real welcome!

My first relationship was pretty much 'traditional gender roles' in nature. He was the defender/provider/king of the castle, I was the nurturing/homemaker. Neither of us gave up our masculinity. Yes he was the more dominant one, he decided things I went along with it, unless it was totally off the wall bull-crap then I told him 'This is absolute bull-crap!'

We both had a job, we lived together, did man stuff together (played sports, went camping/hiking, etc.)

The problem is that Top/bottom has been shoved into anal sex roles. Dominate/submissive have been shoved into BDSM roles. Passive/Aggressive are being shoved into anal sex roles. Alpha/Beta has too many negative connotations thanks to its over use to describe men who are considered men and men who are considered sissies.

There really is no good term to express the man who does the leading/providing/security - AKA 'male role' and the man who does the following/nurturing/is guarded - AKA 'female role.

This dynamic has served the species for at least 200,000 years, further back if you include our ancestral species, to at least 65 million years. but gays are loathed to accept 'hetro-normal' as a standard because we have been oppressed and want to be nothing like our oppressors.

As for where you met guys.

Well where I met my exes:

#1 was at work
#2 was at a social gathering (party)
#3 was the the public Library
---> one night stand A - Bar
---> one night stand B - Same Bar
#4 was at a different bar. He literally picked me up off the floor and carried me home.
#5 was at a coffee bar, for people who had 'problems' with alcohol bars
#6 was at an AA meeting.

Yeah there is a trend there. Bars, then fallen down drunk, then to clean and sober places - tells a bit more about my life no? :tongue:

The one thing in common with all of these meeting places is that they were were people congregated.

Unfortunately all of that took place in the last century. Back before the internet became 'a thing' and back when cell phones looked like this:



and



We didn't have grind'r. We did have 1-900 numbers, and bath houses and city parks in the middle of the night.

We didn't have OKcupid, we did have personal ads in some newspapers.

Most people got their social fix at parties, dance clubs, bars. A few of us, OK a bit more than a few had Raves we could go to.

The modern world is a bit more electronic. Unfortunately even the best 'gay' relationship sites that are free are horrifically flooded with perverts who just want sex and don't appear to understand that those sites were started because there are guys who don't want 'just sex'.

So its hard to find a potential mate, is it harder? No not really, it is pretty much the same level of difficulty, just that the difficulty is instead of lacking places where gay men can gather without having to figure out who is and is not gay, we have just made it harder to know is and is not there to have a relationship over 'just sex'.

[ChadCoxRox]

Yes, I do need to go out and look, but where to go when you don't like clubbing! Because I only fancy manly guys and am not that manly myself its difficult. I couldn't approach someone myself because there probably straight! No-one ever approaches me in every day life, why would they! Being straight must be so much easier, its safe to just assume the opposite sex is straight on most occasions!

Does anyone else get the impression a lot of manly gay guys only seem to fancy other manly gay guys? I sure get that impression from what I have seen in person and on dating profiles.

Thanks for all the advice so far everyone :-)

Alex

Focus less on the manly matter and more on activities that stir your own passion. If you get active in stuff you really like yourself THERE you will then begin to find the manly versus the less manly. Remember, manly men like a broad spectrum of things, even less manly perceived activities. Like theater, or cooking, or hiking, or board games clubs. You get all types at all of these types of activities. So what do you like?

If you are busy making your own life happiness as an individual you'll have less time to worry about ideals and DAMN it'll smack you over the head when you least expect it with a gentle breeze of unexpected bliss!! Less "him" and MORE "you" buddy!!

[alex27]

CCROX what do you mean " There you then begin to find the manly versus the less manly" I dont understand. I did some google searching a while back and wasnt sure if maybe I wanted to be a woman, like I felt in the wrong body or something. I have so many female behaviours and desires but im not camp or effiminate. Why does sexuality have to be so confusing!

[Lexington]

When I first realized I was gay, I had a pretty good idea what my partner was going to be like. If I had had any art skills, I could've drawn you a perfect picture of him, in fact. He was going to be about 6'2". He was going to be half-Caucasian half-Asian. He'd have a slim-to-muscular build, with long dark hair, clean-shaven face, smooth body, and be pretty well endowed. And he was going to love comic books, and popular and rock music.

And a few years later, there I was. With a short, round, hairy, bearded German guy. Who didn't care much about comics OR music. So what happened? Did I give up on my dream? Did I decide "Well, I guess I'll never attract somebody that hot, so I may as well take the first person to come along"?

No - I fell in love.

I think it isn't until you start meeting guys, and letting yourself get to know them, that you start realizing what's really important to you. I'm not saying the second you put yourself out there, you'll be the one barking orders at your boyfriend to put his butt in the air. But it isn't until you start really experiencing the dynamic of dealing with another person on an intimate level that things really become clearer.

Lex

[alex27]

But I know what I find attractive Lexington, if the guy doesnt have those traits I just wont find him attractive, I really dont want to date someone I dont fancy. I could of dated lots of people that I dont fancy over the years, but after a few dates I start to feel sad that im not dating somebody I really find attractive. Ive never really been with someone I really fancied which bums me out!

[Lexington]

But I know what I find attractive Lexington, if the guy doesnt have those traits I just wont find him attractive.

It may be that we're simply wired differently, then. Because I know what I find attractive as well. And it's NOT short, round, bearded guys. But I AM attracted to my partner. Or, to put in another way, I don't find my partner objectively attractive. I didn't discover a hidden "thing" for short, round, bearded guys. Send another short, round, bearded guy my way, and I almost certainly won't feel the same way about him. But I AM attracted to my partner because...well, because it's him. I happened to fall for a guy who happened to be short and round and bearded. That's the package he came in, as it were. And I respond to his "packaging" the same way I respond to a box of Wheaties - I like it not because of the aspects of the packaging but because of what the packaging represents. I'm into tasty wheat flakes, not orange boxes - that's just happens to be the box it comes in.

But I HAVE found that this apparently holds true for me across the board. If I'm looking for eye candy, or porn to watch, yeah, I have some specific things in mind that I'm on the prowl for. But if I'm looking for a boyfriend, or even somebody to hook up with, it seems the looks don't seem to matter that much. Yeah, if they happen to match up with what I like in a porn star or fantasy fuck, that's awesome. But if they don't, I might still connect with them on what you might call a "personality level". And if I like them in that regard, I find them attractive.

From what I'm finding out, I'm more than a little unusual in this regard. Some people seem to think this isn't even a "thing", and that I'm just indiscriminate when it comes to would-be partners. But I don't think it is. I've turned down guys before, and some of them were quite attractive - not just objectively but to me personally. But I didn't mesh with them on a mental/social way, so nothing clicked.

Lex

Lex

[ChadCoxRox]

CCROX what do you mean " There you then begin to find the manly versus the less manly" I dont understand. I did some google searching a while back and wasnt sure if maybe I wanted to be a woman, like I felt in the wrong body or something. I have so many female behaviours and desires but im not camp or effiminate. Why does sexuality have to be so confusing!

Manly versus less manly are traits found among men in all walks of life. You can have three men in a drag queen show, all awesome in their performance and you'd be surprised just have amazingly manly one or all of them actually are.

So, you sound so clear on what you want and what you do not want that you are not as likely to find "it" in the seemingly "normal" or "popular" or "standard" methods MADE by man to make "it" happen. You'd come closer to a rEaL match if you focus on you and passion in living day by day rather than a focus on "the one" or "it" outside yourself. As a result you're far more likely to find someone QUITE compatible, so much so that the "manly versus less manly" issue takes on a less important role in the process.

It's not so black and white as mere words and conversation can render. This is because life's salience exists in it's process rather than its content, and processes naturally evolve, grow, change even if content is expected to remain static. SOoooo, even though your desire and need is clear, because it is so limited, you can expand the likelihood of getting just that with a creative approach where you begin to create/make the chance "happen" by not focusing on it but on something as or more important than that.

Sorry it may sound convoluted or confusing, but really, in real life it's not so in the least.
Less external specificity (what you want/need in him) and more internal specificity (what he might want/need) has often had a paradoxical effect resulting in amazing results.

I hope you have the very best of results because of your strategy, effort and patience.

[Cuddly]

The stout German sounds hotter than the twinkish cauc++asian @Lexington.

When you say manly men, do you mean personality or appearance or both?

[alex27]

Cuddly, I mean manly in terms of behaviour, and looks I guess. I'm just not attracted sexually to anyone other than butch guys. I guess i'm not very flexible in any sense of the word! I just hope that doesn't mean I have to spend my life alone.