The journey of self-love

[Kjlemere]

Hekko Darlings!


It has been quite some time since my last post and I will promise that I will try to be a bit more active so that I can hopefully offer my insight and experience to some of these posts. So let's dive into this wall of text! And thanks in advance for reading!


So it has now been 7 months that I have been living in Mississippi and I have to say that not much has changed since I moved here. I am in a bit of a routine every day of teaching my kids, leaving at 3:30, sometimes taking a nap, or grading/planning. My days are pretty boring and I wish I had more to tell you, but I'm still getting used to working a full time job (hey! I'm fresh out of college!)

Some major things have been happening to me though, so let's talk about them! I moved to MS not knowing anybody and leaving my entire support system in Texas. Naturally I felt very lonely and I tried to fill that loneliness with something. I began dating guys frequently, some led to more dates while others led to nothing more than a "goodnight" and never seeing them again. The ones that led to more dates eventually led to sex because I felt that I needed to sleep with these guys if I wanted any chance at a relationship. Did it happen? No. After a few weeks of casual sex, they moved onto other guys or their ex's and threw me away like yesterday's trash. This left me feeling very insecure and trust me folks, my self worth was already low as it is (I was sleeping with strangers for crying out loud!) for the record, this is not a judgemental post, those who enjoy casual sex, more power to you! I was, however looking for something more and I was left severely depressed and disappointed with every single hookup. I think the worst part of this was that I actually fell for a few of these guys and I knew that they had no feelings towards me.

So, fast forward a few months later and I am here. I have cut myself off from the guys that I was talking to and I am trying to just enjoy my life. To me, this means focusing on myself and improving myself so that I can be the best that I can be for me.

Now onto the advice part. I am calling this the self-love journey because I have extremely low self esteem and self worth and I want to boost both of those levels. So my question is, and I do understand that this looks different for everybody, but, what does self-love look like to you? And do you think it is absolutely essential for a relationship to be healthy?

Thanks for the advice and if you'd like to ask more questions for a deeper understanding, please don't hesitate to post on here or message me! Thanks loves!

Kyle

[Rareboy]

Interesting questions.

There is the line between self-love and pathological narcissim.

Healthy self love to me is the absence of self-hate.

It is all about self-respect....are the decisions we make consistent with our own values, assuming that this value system is based on treating others as we would like to be treated and giving as well as taking.

Mostly though, I think it is about self-forgiveness and moving on....knowing how to file away regrets and just learn from them instead of nursing them for the rest of our lives and letting them define us.

I see no reason why you should have low self esteem. You are very good looking and seem to be a sensitive and caring person. You have a teaching job, you are putting yourself out there and connecting with others. When it comes to dating and fucking though....you have to remind yourself that it can be more like an all you can eat buffet and not an a la carte experience. A lot of guys out there are just sampling and enjoying their freedom as singles. It isn't about your failure to land a relationship....they just aren't ready....and many may never be.

The real loves of your life will start with a mutually felt connection that is different than all the other hook-ups and dates. And you may get your heart broken once or twice. But it isn't because you are a bad or unworthy person. It is just the way real life works. Likewise...the day may come when you break someone else's heart.....and it won't be because you are a bad person; sometimes everything doesn't fall into place.

I see you at a very exciting and tumultuous time of your life....like so many others you are trying to figure so many things out and looking and hoping for happiness. Keep making as many friends as possible...keep meeting as many guys as possible in the real world out there and I have no doubt that you will lead a happy and fulfilling life.

[Hardheaded1]

Hi there, Kyle.

Great post. For the record, when I was your age, I moved off to a new job and began teaching. I wasn't out, as it was 1983 and my job was teaching in a little farm town 30 minutes west of Memphis.

There wasn't a gay community in that tiny place, and I was too poor to run to Memphis, but if I had been able, I don't think I would have been ready at that age.

My world was filled with good times with about 2-3 fellow teachers. We ate together, went to buy groceries together, and vented from the many frustrations that come with teaching. I was also surrounded by loving neighbors and church members, so I had community.

But, you asked about self-love. It exists on different levels. I struggle sometimes with even the will to live, but as odd as it sounds, I wouldn't say that I don't have self-love. I'm fat, gray haired, sardonic, contrarian, and unattractive. But, I'm not foolish enough to let that BE my self-assessment. It's only a part of me. I'm also trusting, generous, diligent, devoted, musical, witty, innovative, creative, caring, and very observant.

Self-love is the place where one sits in the circle alone and finds it OK. At times we want and are ready for another to sit in the circle with us. At other times, no.

Contrary to all the psychobabble about being loved and self-esteem, I can still hate my appearance in the mirror but find myself lovable and able to love.

It comes down to forgiveness and acceptance of self and others. Everyone has faults, but they don't define us. Everyone has strengths, but they are not the whole picture. Loving self is ultimately believing that the mix is natural, admirable, and valuable.

You have a good road ahead of you. I can see that from here.

[MikeW]

"Self-love"… hmmm… for some reason I'm uncomfortable with that phrase. Self respect, self appreciation, self-acceptance -- those I can handle. I guess "self-love" just sounds a bit like being stuck on one's self or something.

It's unfortunate (but understandable) that so many of us form negative self-images at a fairly early age and then find ourselves stuck with them one way and another for much of the rest of our lives. Indeed, how to un-do that? How can I accept myself as I am?

One of the interesting things about getting beyond "older" into the "old" territory is it sort of forces the issue. I really don't like getting old and am struggling with it in a lot of ways. But, strangely perhaps, I'm finding it easier to accept myself as I am now than I did when i was younger. Good thing, too, or I'd be truly miserable.

The thing is, I don't want to BE "miserable" and I understand that the only way not to be is to accept myself as much as I can. This "acceptance" means trying to see myself somewhat objectively. I look to see my good points and bad points, successes and failures. I look to see what I can change, what I want to change and what I know (by this time) is *never* going to change no matter what.

Personally, I find focusing on my physical body a big help. Not because it is anything to brag about, quite the contrary. But in later life I've found that I enjoy going to the gym and working out (not something I did in my younger years -- I've never been the athletic type). I've discovered that I enjoy finding new ways of eating (mostly paleo at this point) that are healthier than my younger man habits. (I'm a sugar/starch addict -- I can wipe out two bags of Pepperidge Farm cookies in one sitting -- and did almost every night for decades! I's a wonder I'm not diabetic.) Now I find myself quite content to have a good meal and then a bit later an apple or some blueberries.

That is to say, I've found that it is possible to change certain things about myself and live healthier (and happier) than I once did. At the same time I see there is room for improvement -- something I work away at little by little. Then there is the whole arena of things that just aren't going to change. I'm a particular "type," somewhat shy and introverted, a loner, not interested in many of the things other human beings seem to get all excited about (and much else I could list). I'm ok with this, in fact I actually like this about myself, although other people sometimes find it off-putting or difficult to relate to.

As for you, OP, keep coming back and posting when you have the time. I'm curious to know more about how you see yourself because, if there's anything truly "negative" about you, I fail to see it. So, what is it, really? What's eating you about yourself?

Personally, I prefer a good bag of cookies or, better yet, a New York cheese cake!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Contentment is easier to reach and maintain over the long run.

you are not content with much in your life, thus you are not seeing yourself to making reasonable rules of engagement.

For instance, all of that meeting with guys who wants 'just sex' is readily resolved by telling them point blank there will be no sex for the first 30 days of dating, in order for you to get to know each other a lot better before sex determines anything. Trust me, that weeds out 95% of the players. The dates will catch most of the rest as they will tip their hands.

You want to learn self esteem, then you need to go back to the beginning, where you lost it, and then work on dealing with that which took it from you. yes it got worse because of X, but there is an A here - a first cause event that you need to root out and work on well before you can work on X.

Relationships are hard, lots of work, and far and few between. If you are expecting instant relationship you are in a lot of trouble. Most of the guys you meet will not be the one. People are complex, not simple.

I know people with low self esteem due to 'issues' who have found long lasting love and have relatively healthy and content relationships. They achieved that by not so much improving their self esteem, but working on how to cope and work with it.

Not everything is repairable, and with many people the root cause of self esteem issues has broken them profoundly, beyond repair. The very best they can do is learn to live with that crippling issue - much like the blind learn how to use a white cane, or the deaf learn to sign.

[DonJon]

That was an insightful post, Kyle. mile: For me, self-love means being confident in one's own self, no matter what. And being in control and responsible of my own life and destiny. mile:

[DonJon]

Wow. This is so good, man. Lots of aha-moments from me and some gooseflesh. :flirty-thank-you-sm

Contentment is easier to reach and maintain over the long run.

you are not content with much in your life, thus you are not seeing yourself to making reasonable rules of engagement.

For instance, all of that meeting with guys who wants 'just sex' is readily resolved by telling them point blank there will be no sex for the first 30 days of dating, in order for you to get to know each other a lot better before sex determines anything. Trust me, that weeds out 95% of the players. The dates will catch most of the rest as they will tip their hands.

You want to learn self esteem, then you need to go back to the beginning, where you lost it, and then work on dealing with that which took it from you. yes it got worse because of X, but there is an A here - a first cause event that you need to root out and work on well before you can work on X.

Relationships are hard, lots of work, and far and few between. If you are expecting instant relationship you are in a lot of trouble. Most of the guys you meet will not be the one. People are complex, not simple.

I know people with low self esteem due to 'issues' who have found long lasting love and have relatively healthy and content relationships. They achieved that by not so much improving their self esteem, but working on how to cope and work with it.

Not everything is repairable, and with many people the root cause of self esteem issues has broken them profoundly, beyond repair. The very best they can do is learn to live with that crippling issue - much like the blind learn how to use a white cane, or the deaf learn to sign.