New Relationship/Sexual Conflicts

[araya]

you can expect your spouse to be a perfect match w/ you in every aspects
and well you said this

He's everything I've ever desired in a man... finally, for once in my life (no joke) all the flags are green, as I usually cut people off once we get to one red flag.

if it's only sex, you can slowly use your 'charm' and 'teary puppy eyes' to softly force him do what you want every once in a while

Here's what to do: on Saturday, spend the whole day together and just annoy the shit out of him. Really piss him off until he gets so mad he finally beats the hell out of you. By then you will be rock hard and ready to blow your load. When that happens, you start to cry and cling, sobbingly, to his hairy chest, begging his forgiveness. This will cause him to pop major wood. You quickly mount him and before he has a chance to realize what has happened, you both are finished.

this is what you call blissful sin

[Dreamer]

maybe he just doesn't feel safe enough/comfortable enough yet.

We've talked about it before. He does have issues from his previous relationship (nothing crazy, just from having a broken heart/being betrayed by his ex.. of whom my smell is akin to unfortunately) He's getting past that part as time goes on. It sucks knowing I remind him of that asshole in any way..

In truth, you need to accept that it's possible he will NEVER feel safe enough/comfortable enough to do what you want.

As time progresses, he does seem to be building up his confidence and comfort level.

You need to decide if he's worth sticking with, even if those things you crave can't be fulfilled. (Nothing wrong with knowing your needs and accepting that they have to be met, but if that's the case, it's something you need to examine and honestly decide on.)

He's definitely worth sticking with. Even if his penis fell off tomorrow, I'd still be head over heels for him. I feel like a selfish prick for even making this thread. I was frustrated and horny when I created it. We had such a romantic night tonight... filled with happy tears, kisses, and in the moment sweet everythings (opposed to sweet "nothings") spoken like poetry in each other's ears.

Thanks for the feedback

[bootsguy]

[COLOR="Red"]Yeah I agree with the suggestions above. In order for a relationship to succeed, you need to have a give and take relationship. Both of you should learn how to do that and that he is also aware of this on his side. You should have understanding, patience and complimenting each other.

On this case, I think you should also adjust to his preference and likes if you want it to be successful. You are still in the getting to know stage so you might as well consider his preference for now as you are getting to know him a bit better and also he might know some little things about you. You can also tell him the nicest possible way about the things you want so that he knows and aware about your preferences. Enjoy his company and learn more about each other.[/COLOR]

exy-kisses-smiley-exy-kisses-smiley-exy-kisses-smiley-

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He's everything I've ever desired in a man... finally, for once in my life (no joke) all the flags are green, as I usually cut people off once we get to one red flag.

Perhaps you need to check the color of your flags again.




Clearly this is one of those things you do not desire in a man. Have you gone color blind?

You play it his way, get him as hot and bothered as possible then introduce one little minor kinky thing just as he is exploding.... next time repeat....

There are ways to program and reprogram people, this is the reinforcement method of training, or reprogramming man.

How it works: associate the behavior you want him to do with positives, in this case you want to get him into kink, then when he is orgasm, do a bit of kink to get him to link the pleasure of the reward (orgasm) the behavior.

Get him all hot and bothered during sex, once he is all hot and bothered, hard and ready, then introduce a bit of the notion of kink. Just a bit.

Learn your words first, come up with minor phrases before your bed activity which can be double loaded but are, in and of themselves not too terribly explicit that gets what you want in his behaviors, then lace the 'love making' with those types of loaded phrases... I assure you he will get into it and as time progresses you can get more and more explicit, easing him into the full blown kink-monster you desire him to be....

Its like boiling frogs.....

Spoiler:

Yes as a matter of fact I do have the power to corrupt and twist and do all manner of evil.
Yes as a matter of fact not all my partners liked kink to begin with. I assure you by the time that relationship ended the story was different.
Yes as a matter of fact I do use reinforcement in other areas to change, I mean 'enhance' my partners.
No its not evil or 'wrong' well at least up to the point where you are caught doing it.:tongue:

[Hardheaded1]

my smell is akin to [his ex] unfortunately

Does it have to be?

I know that I would gladly change my shampoo, deodorant, soap, cologne, laundry detergent, etc. to help my lover NOT be reminded of his ex.

Have you considered making such changes to help him? It would also help you to not be the source of his angst. Human skin has very little smell on its own, other than sweat or feces or urine. Most people tend to smell of the products they use.

I used to get turned on when I smelled a certain deodorant that I associated with a friend who wore it. I decided to start wearing it myself, which made the problem go away since I developed nasal fatigue to the smell.

[Dreamer]

You know this man this well after only a month? Dubious.

I see nothing dubious about my statement, You don't know sh*t about me, him, or either our life experiences, how much time we've spent together, etc... to set such a tone...

I still stand by what I wrote; that he's everything I've ever wanted in a man. Your tone can be perceived as toxic. If it was meant so, keep it in some wasteland far away where it belongs.

Which is it? Is he everything you have ever desired in a man, or does he fall short sexually? You've posted contradictory statements.

Upon further time and inspection, we both have our faults and fall short in many ways, naturally speaking.

Yes, that statement was contradictory, and I knew so before pressing "submit", so congratulations to you fine sir for stating the obvious.

I was too tired and thus gave 0 fucks at that time in space in order to correct myself before submitting that post.

Amazingly, my mistake was taken into notice upon your very sharp eye, so again, kudos to you.

When I'm exhausted, frustrated, and horny.... my mind tends to battle trivial wars of self-defeat, between it's wants and desires opposed to the realities and expectations that lie before myself back on earth.

So yes, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man almost three months in (we began dating around mid-October)[SIZE="1"](and yes numbers confuse me, so don't get on my case for that either... jeeze..)[/SIZE] Sex means nothing. It's just an act that can be manipulated into fulfilling the desires of both parties; which is what we are discovering. My sex drive has almost vanished since diving myself into his greatness, because what he's offered in respect to love; sex is a dull and petty prop not to be dealt with... maybe but once in a blue moon...

You have to decide what is enough in a mate. Is it enough for him to be a wonderful person

Yes, it is.... although "wonderful" does no justice for all he is to me at this place in time. He is my everything.

The simple fact is you have evolved past the simple act of sex into a supplemented expectation of having additional itches scratched. For you, it is evidently not enough to be loved and cherished, but to be accommodated.

I'm working on it... as he's been my anchor in my times of dreams and extreme distress... (I'm a handful) someone who grounds me, and brings me back to earth, when needed.... my everything..

You feel like your needs are not being met. This is a story retold millions of times around the planet.

I'm happy to report that is no longer the case.

Only time will tell if either or both of you will learn to gravitate to the other's style. And only time will tell if it will continue to matter.

Time's on both of our sides, and it screams: DON'T MATTER!!!

People are not stereo systems. We don't often get to go shopping and get all the options we wanted in one system. If your guy is 95% of what you want in mate, that may be as high as you'll ever reach. It may be unreasonable to ask for 100%. Of course, you may learn that you're willing to accept a guy with only 50% as long as that key sexual performance box is checked. It's a matter of priorities.

My priorities have since grown to outweigh my primitive fuck mechanisms that scattered my brain into starting this thread..
Thankfully so, or I'd be like any other air-headed faggot with no moral compass...

No one would be able to tell me apart from the seas of random hook-up minded ghouls creeping upon the cesspool of everything I hate gay.
(with that said, I don't judge those of you who are counted in that description, who am I to judge? Be proud, and slutty till the sun cums up... do you boo)

[Rareboy]

^ I'm sure we're all glad that you got everything worked out and that your priorities have since grown to outweigh your primitive fuck mechanisms that scattered your brain into starting this thread... you've given all the air-headed faggots with no moral compass and random hook-up minded ghouls creeping upon the cesspool of everything you hate as gay something to think about.

[Hardheaded1]

I see nothing dubious about my statement, You don't know sh*t about me, him, or either our life experiences, how much time we've spent together, etc... to set such a tone...

I still stand by what I wrote; that he's everything I've ever wanted in a man. Your tone can be perceived as toxic. If it was meant so, keep it in some wasteland far away where it belongs.

We all only know little "sh*t" about you, so what does that have to do with giving our view? The statement you objected to is generic -- it is simply considering that all of us are complex beings, so only knowing us a month would likely not be enough time to really know us. Case in point: you yourself posted that you gradually manipulate your partners into kink. Do you think they understood that at the get-go?

But, that's just it, isn't it? You posted on Gayspeak because you wanted other perspectives about what you are experiencing. Some people use forums as Dear Diary, but you went beyond that to actively solicit input. Reacting to a less-than-endorsing viewpoint with accusations ill-serves your request for advice.

For you to view challenging questions as "toxic" suggests you expect or perhaps demand some sort of loyalty to you and your values in order to consider counsel. Advisors are for all purposes judges. When you ask for a judgment, you don't get to retort that you don't like the judge's tone.

On a more practical level, who spends time writing a number of paragraphs in order to poison your well? Think about it.

Upon further time and inspection, we both have our faults and fall short in many ways, naturally speaking.

Yes, that statement was contradictory, and I knew so before pressing "submit", so congratulations to you fine sir for stating the obvious.

I was too tired and thus gave 0 fucks at that time in space in order to correct myself before submitting that post.

Amazingly, my mistake was taken into notice upon your very sharp eye, so again, kudos to you.

To the contrary, you said what you intended to say. We don't type things by accident in that way. That sort of excuse works when we ramble on in speaking verbally, but, just like a murder mystery, every detail was included for a reason.

You deliberately included the contradictions for a couple of reasons. You wanted us to address them, plus you wanted to assert your personality as changing and vacillating, a sort of defense of who you are.

When I'm exhausted, frustrated, and horny.... my mind tends to battle trivial wars of self-defeat, between it's wants and desires opposed to the realities and expectations that lie before myself back on earth.

Nah, that's just romanticized drivel, a screen.

So yes, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man almost three months in (we began dating around mid-October)[SIZE="1"](and yes numbers confuse me, so don't get on my case for that either... jeeze..)[/SIZE] Sex means nothing. It's just an act that can be manipulated into fulfilling the desires of both parties; which is what we are discovering. My sex drive has almost vanished since diving myself into his greatness, because what he's offered in respect to love; sex is a dull and petty prop not to be dealt with... maybe but once in a blue moon...

More drivel. You don't believe this. We'd be fools to swallow it. An in-person conversation with a friend would blow this BS away before you finished the insincere sentence. Face the problem -- don't deny it.

Yes, it is.... although "wonderful" does no justice for all he is to me at this place in time. He is my everything. . . I'm working on it... as he's been my anchor in my times of dreams and extreme distress... (I'm a handful) someone who grounds me, and brings me back to earth, when needed.... my everything...

Whereas I'm happy to see anyone find love, is it love to project your whole happiness upon someone else? Is it fair to any man to be your everything? Can you see how that might simply be perceived by us out here as a dependency rather than a love affair. YOU are going to be responsible for making me happy. YOUR wonderfulness is what I need to displace what I fear or feel inadequate about. I will change to ignore my feelings and tell myself you are my world.

I'm happy to report that is no longer the case.

[I spliced these two related paragraphs together -- HH1]

My priorities have since grown to outweigh my primitive fuck mechanisms that scattered my brain into starting this thread..
Thankfully so, or I'd be like any other air-headed faggot with no moral compass...

That's vague, if possibly good news. What's it mean?

[quote]Time's on both of our sides, and it screams: DON'T MATTER!!!

No, the drama llama screams. That said, time is indeed on your side. Don't confuse, "you can work it out" with "it doesn't matter." This thread is all the evidence anyone needs to know that it does matter. You sound like you're on your way to figuring it out. But, revisit your conflicts and be more honest with self.

No one would be able to tell me apart from the seas of random hook-up minded ghouls creeping upon the cesspool of everything I hate gay.
(with that said, I don't judge those of you who are counted in that description, who am I to judge? Be proud, and slutty till the sun cums up... do you boo)

Inflammatory drivel which you don't believe anyway. A red herring. Skip the drama.

[East]

Thankfully so, or I'd be like any other air-headed faggot with no moral compass...

No one would be able to tell me apart from the seas of random hook-up minded ghouls creeping upon the cesspool of everything I hate gay.
(with that said, I don't judge those of you who are counted in that description, who am I to judge? Be proud, and slutty till the sun cums up... do you boo)

Hmmm..Oh My...

I wish you well.... but I think you are in for a bumpy ride.....sex is a lot more important than you think at the moment...you will soon find this out without me telling you. Idealizing everything won't change that.

[Dreamer]

We all only know little "sh*t" about you, so what does that have to do with giving our view?

You obviously don't need to know sh*t about me to reply or share your advice. I agree with that or else I wouldn't have sought it in you.

I misinterpreted your intent, and I admit to being in the wrong for that. Previously, I felt you were too quick to judge, and how if you were to only know the specifics and background of our relationship's situation, it would not only hopefully change your mind, but also explain as to why I felt so opposed to what you described as "dubious".

What it has to do with giving your view? Everything. Too simply scoff with such ill-intent (thanks for explaining where you were coming from, as I no longer hold this position) at what I wrote... I took offense.

Am I not aloud to critique the critique? I see no reason as to why I can't (even if doing so comes from a place of misunderstanding).

I asked for advice, so why does that bar me from objecting to anything I find unproductive in this dialogue? It doesn't.

The statement you objected to is generic -- it is simply considering that all of us are complex beings, so only knowing us a month would likely not be enough time to really know us.

I agree, and unfortunately that went over my head while reading it. Thanks for clarifying.

Case in point: you yourself posted that you gradually manipulate your partners into kink. Do you think they understood that at the get-go?

I remember stating that my kinks overwhelmed my partner, not that I manipulated him into it.. Just found what I think you were refereeing to when I wrote:

Sex means nothing. It's just an act that can be manipulated into fulfilling the desires of both parties.

I didn't mention anything about my kinks in that statement, so I don't think I'm able to answer that question as it doesn't apply.

But, that's just it, isn't it? You posted on Gayspeak because you wanted other perspectives about what you are experiencing.

Correct.

Some people use forums as Dear Diary, but you went beyond that to actively solicit input.

We all have different ways of utilizing different things, don't we? I enjoy starting and engaging in conversations, in respect to my use of online forums.

Reacting to a less-than-endorsing viewpoint with accusations ill-serves your request for advice.

Perhaps it did ill-serve my request for advice, but I also felt the need to fire back asap especially, since it was included within your first initial response. And again, that's before I truly understood and appreciated your intent behind your "Dubious" comment. Things got messy on my part. My fault entirely.

For you to view challenging questions as "toxic" suggests you expect or perhaps demand some sort of loyalty to you and your values in order to consider counsel.

Not necessarily. At that time, my expectations were a little high in regard to not receiving (misinterpreted) malice; nothing more.

I'm not demanding anything, and loyalty is a strong word; to expect it online would be ludicrous. Believe it or not, I am somewhat sane. :tongue:

I appreciate and value everyone's unique values, thought processes, and so forth, that's why I utilize GaySpeak. Even the one's I oppose because I enjoy engaging in such dialogues.

Advisors are for all purposes judges.

Agreed...

When you ask for a judgment, you don't get to retort that you don't like the judge's tone.

I disagree on a devastating magnitude.

Why not? If I feel it's needed, I believe I have every right to point it out, just as much as with how the person with the pointed tone has their own right in poking me with it.

On a more practical level, who spends time writing a number of paragraphs in order to poison your well? Think about it.

Agreed (and I apologize) I appreciate your input as much as any other loon on here.

To the contrary, you said what you intended to say. We don't type things by accident in that way. That sort of excuse works when we ramble on in speaking verbally, but, just like a murder mystery, every detail was included for a reason.

You got me there too... I intended both statements, but only intended to post the first one as to not sound contradicting in my statements, and distract from my main concern. Besides that, I yearn for consistency, and it bothered me to have discovered it jotting down what I did.

Besides that, I was having technical trouble using the desktop version of GaySpeak on my phone (since I hate using the Tapatalk app with it because I don't get to use the editing interface in it's entirety) and gave up on constantly proofreading, and editing what I wrote to match my eyes content. (I'm a little OCD). Plus, like I said before, I didn't want to distract the conversation from my main concern, so I indeed wanted to edit and resubmit my response to un-condradict myself, but once I finally pressed that "submit" button, I did see the contradiction afterwards, but being as drunk and exhausted as I was, I said, "fuck it, I'm going to bed!", and passed the f*ck out.

You deliberately included the contradictions for a couple of reasons. You wanted us to address them, plus you wanted to assert your personality as changing and vacillating, a sort of defense of who you are.

Wrong(as explained above ^), wrong(but, I'm oddly and uncomfortably glad they are being so), and wrong (since it derives from the second [COLOR="DarkOrange"][SIZE="2"]wrong[/COLOR][/SIZE]), but it sucks that you are correct in that I'm constantly in a state of instability and fluctuating indecisiveness in regard to most aspects in my life.

In response to my romanticized drivel you wrote this:

Nah, that's just romanticized drivel, a screen.

More drivel. You don't believe this. We'd be fools to swallow it. An in-person conversation with a friend would blow this BS away before you finished the insincere sentence. Face the problem -- don't deny it.

In which I'll respond by stating I know that there are issues to be worked out when it comes to intimacy in our relationship, and they do bother me... hell, they bother him too! I'm not so much ignoring or avoiding these issues by writing such oouey gooey "nonsense" as I am appreciating what I do feel for him on a nonsexual intimacy level, despite these fading complications which will most likely rear it's ugly head once again, but for now will sit humbly on the back burner.

Luckily my own sexual traumas give me time ability to shift to an almost homoromantic asexual state (as it has on and off since adolescence), and seems to have given my hormones a good repellent spray.. We both are in a honeymoon sort of "goo-gaga"/"Get a room already" stage.. I get it. But it doesn't cancel the fact that I do feel these ways about him, as annoying and unbelievable as it may seem to some.

Whereas I'm happy to see anyone find love, is it love to project your whole happiness upon someone else?

I am happy about many other things in my life, he just happens to be up there on my list.

Is it fair to any man to be your everything?

Of course I didn't mean that in a literal sense, but in many ways he is, and it's mutual feeling between the both of us, not one-sided. I can handle my own, as does he.. We are both very independent in many ways, and that's what I think helps in making this work.

Can you see how that might simply be perceived by us out here as a dependency rather than a love affair.

Yes, I can understand how my lovey-dovey, jibber-jabber seems to have molded such misinterpreted perceptions. But it's true love, make no mistake. I learned through past relationships how chaotic such dependencies can mask themselves as love, destroying that relationship into dust ever so quickly. Through this wisdom, I know things are different with him.

YOU are going to be responsible for making me happy. YOUR wonderfulness is what I need to displace what I fear or feel inadequate about. I will change to ignore my feelings and tell myself you are my world.

I appreciate this model of advice as it is good, but our communication skills are superb and we talk out even things like you mentioned above, as hard as they are. No, we aren't perfect, and yes, we have flaws as one, but damn it, we love one another. From day one, he's helped me achieve self-love, not because I demanded it, (I ran away from it), but because he's relentlessly pushing me towards filling in these voids, even outside his presence.

That's why I feel how I do for him, we're putting our back our broken pieces together.

It may not be ideal in the eyes of others, or even realistic for that matter, but surprisingly, it's been working just fine so far for the both of us.

[I spliced these two related paragraphs together]

My priorities have since grown to outweigh my primitive fuck mechanisms that scattered my brain into starting this thread..
Thankfully so, or I'd be like any other air-headed faggot with no moral compass...

That's vague, if possibly good news. What's it mean?

I explained the first part previously above in this thread regarding homoromantic asexuality, and how it applies to me and my relationship issues.

The second part was only incoherent drunk ramblings that don't mean shit as is further similar mumblings you've correctly categorized as:

Inflammatory drivel which you don't believe anyway. A red herring.

Time's on both of our sides, and it screams: DON'T MATTER!!!

No, the drama llama screams. That said, time is indeed on your side. Don't confuse, "you can work it out" with "it doesn't matter." This thread is all the evidence anyone needs to know that it does matter. You sound like you're on your way to figuring it out. But, revisit your conflicts and be more honest with self.

I tend to emphasis with the editing tools provided... I'm not screaming or yelling... just emphasizing

Sexual compatibility does matter. We're finding our way.

Thanks, from a work in progress.