12-04-2014, 06:08 AM
The last six months has been a rollercoaster of emotions that I just can't seem to shake or get past. I have realized things about me that I have suppressed and they hit me like a Mack truck and when I think about the future and my happiness it just doesn't seem to even exist and I know that life would be even harder if I lived my life way that way.
For years I have had really bad dental health and I feel like shit that I haven't taken better care of my teeth and the one thing that I fear and the only real thing that I do fear is going to the dentist. I am too cheap and my dentist phobia prevents me from getting work done. I get all self worried about it all the time.
I never went to college because I sucked as a student and just have always found it hard to concentrate on things and I just have always been a bad student. I went in the military after high school and never ever had the desire to go to college after because I just know I am not that smart and I have accepted that.
I don't have a high paying job because I work at a ski resort and there is not lots of money in that but I do get to ski for free and I have a blast and have been working that area for the last five winters and have been thinking about taking next winter off for a break.
Today I went to move my car and use it very seldom but have to move it from one parking lot to another one once a week and took it for a drive and the transmission is acting up and most likely needs an expensive repair that I can't afford to get fixed right now cause the hours at work have been weak and I am dirt poor.
On top of that my laptop is going to shit and not up to par and it just runs like shit.
Just seems like my life is going to shit and in all honesty there is not a day that doesn't go by where I am not thinking about ending my life. I am not doing this for attention or want you to feel sorry for me in any sort of way. If my life ended tomorrow I have been happy with the things that I have done and the experiences that I have had.
I did own several guns back about two years ago but sold them off and one was a Smith and Wesson mp9 and I imagine if I had that right now that my life would pretty much be over and I am okay with that. I know people say that suicide is being selfish but I have never lived my life to please others and if someone can't handle life in general it's nobody's choice but that person living it.
I mean I have no clue why I am living this life and I don't think I will ever have true happiness ever in my life and I am so exhausted trying to get anywhere in life. Well anyway perhaps this is just a vent or something else but I know that the next year is going to be interesting for me for the future.
For years I have had really bad dental health and I feel like shit that I haven't taken better care of my teeth and the one thing that I fear and the only real thing that I do fear is going to the dentist. I am too cheap and my dentist phobia prevents me from getting work done. I get all self worried about it all the time.
I never went to college because I sucked as a student and just have always found it hard to concentrate on things and I just have always been a bad student. I went in the military after high school and never ever had the desire to go to college after because I just know I am not that smart and I have accepted that.
I don't have a high paying job because I work at a ski resort and there is not lots of money in that but I do get to ski for free and I have a blast and have been working that area for the last five winters and have been thinking about taking next winter off for a break.
Today I went to move my car and use it very seldom but have to move it from one parking lot to another one once a week and took it for a drive and the transmission is acting up and most likely needs an expensive repair that I can't afford to get fixed right now cause the hours at work have been weak and I am dirt poor.
On top of that my laptop is going to shit and not up to par and it just runs like shit.
Just seems like my life is going to shit and in all honesty there is not a day that doesn't go by where I am not thinking about ending my life. I am not doing this for attention or want you to feel sorry for me in any sort of way. If my life ended tomorrow I have been happy with the things that I have done and the experiences that I have had.
I did own several guns back about two years ago but sold them off and one was a Smith and Wesson mp9 and I imagine if I had that right now that my life would pretty much be over and I am okay with that. I know people say that suicide is being selfish but I have never lived my life to please others and if someone can't handle life in general it's nobody's choice but that person living it.
I mean I have no clue why I am living this life and I don't think I will ever have true happiness ever in my life and I am so exhausted trying to get anywhere in life. Well anyway perhaps this is just a vent or something else but I know that the next year is going to be interesting for me for the future.