Exhausted with it ALL

[Jason74]

The last six months has been a rollercoaster of emotions that I just can't seem to shake or get past. I have realized things about me that I have suppressed and they hit me like a Mack truck and when I think about the future and my happiness it just doesn't seem to even exist and I know that life would be even harder if I lived my life way that way.

For years I have had really bad dental health and I feel like shit that I haven't taken better care of my teeth and the one thing that I fear and the only real thing that I do fear is going to the dentist. I am too cheap and my dentist phobia prevents me from getting work done. I get all self worried about it all the time.

I never went to college because I sucked as a student and just have always found it hard to concentrate on things and I just have always been a bad student. I went in the military after high school and never ever had the desire to go to college after because I just know I am not that smart and I have accepted that.

I don't have a high paying job because I work at a ski resort and there is not lots of money in that but I do get to ski for free and I have a blast and have been working that area for the last five winters and have been thinking about taking next winter off for a break.

Today I went to move my car and use it very seldom but have to move it from one parking lot to another one once a week and took it for a drive and the transmission is acting up and most likely needs an expensive repair that I can't afford to get fixed right now cause the hours at work have been weak and I am dirt poor.

On top of that my laptop is going to shit and not up to par and it just runs like shit.

Just seems like my life is going to shit and in all honesty there is not a day that doesn't go by where I am not thinking about ending my life. I am not doing this for attention or want you to feel sorry for me in any sort of way. If my life ended tomorrow I have been happy with the things that I have done and the experiences that I have had.

I did own several guns back about two years ago but sold them off and one was a Smith and Wesson mp9 and I imagine if I had that right now that my life would pretty much be over and I am okay with that. I know people say that suicide is being selfish but I have never lived my life to please others and if someone can't handle life in general it's nobody's choice but that person living it.

I mean I have no clue why I am living this life and I don't think I will ever have true happiness ever in my life and I am so exhausted trying to get anywhere in life. Well anyway perhaps this is just a vent or something else but I know that the next year is going to be interesting for me for the future.

[MisterLove]

[...] I am not that smart and I have accepted that.[...]

I can assure you this isn't true, Honey.

I don't like to talk about religion but you all know I'm a believer and the great thing about being Christian is to be able to give it all to Christ and let Him solve these kind of problems.

Believe me, He's extremely good at that.

[Rareboy]

Sometimes just listing all the problems can help put them in perspective.

Hopefully after sharing, you feel a little less burdened.

You love your job, so that is a start. Use the work experience to think about other related work you could do when work is slack. Could you be a personal ski instructor for newbies for instance?

If you don't use a car, then give it up for now. There was a time when we didn't keep one and just rented a cheap one when we needed to have wheels.

Get to a dentist. I assume there isn't a dental clinic in the area? These are ideal for people who are cash strapped....but do some research into practises that might take on people in financial need and work out a long term plan. When I graduated from uni...I was so poor that it took me about 3 years to catch up with dental work. In the meantime....start addressing daily oral care and help arrest some of the problems.

You are not stupid. I can tell from your writing. But not everyone is cut out to be in college. You would probably do better in trades and this is where you might focus on getting certified in a trade you like.

As for the laptop...maybe it needs a clean-up. Run the utilities on it; dump as many of the old files as you don't need and see if that improves the performance. See if there is a computer nerd at work and if they can help you.

The most worrisome thing is that you believe that if you had a gun around that you would use it. If you are contemplating suicide...then it is definitely time to reach out for counselling help. If you don't have a therapist or Doctor to turn to...please, please, please call a helpline.

[Jason74]

Wow two responses but when I came out as transgender so much more. Funny how the people that way they care before are nowhere to be found. Whatever I am so done with forums.

[ChadCoxRox]

I didn't even see this post until just now. The threads get buried too easy. Sorry.
I'll PM you my rant.

[Virge]

I'm with CCRox. I didn't see this thread until just right now but then I've been busy with all my real life crap and not been online too steadily the past week.

I'm not sure my advice will help but if I had my #1 advisor here I'd get him to dictate what he teaches in situations like this.

Do an inventory of the things that are wrong in your life on one sheet of paper and number them.

On a blank sheet write down the same numbers from the first sheet. That's where you start listing the "tools" you have to get out of the situations caused by the things on the 1st list. Tools = skills, string connections that would help, talents, abilities, things you have in your bucket list that could turn into careers or money makers, ways you can save money and make more.... anything positive that will lead your life away from the things on the first list.

ANDDDDDDDDDD.... deciding where to start is always tough. That's where you go to someone you know will look at your list of tools, point to one and say, "start here! Hold on and let's work up a plan!" If you don't have someone like that right now then you don't know how much you can rely on just about any of us here in GS. It's time you found out. I'll volunteer to help you in the right direction and i bet I can name a dozen other who will. When you get the list of tools or have any questions PM me.

I know this shit works because I'm living it now. All I had to have was that first "push" to help me set up a plan with the tools I had to work with and it changed my life drastically in four years. I mean DRASTICALLY CHANGED, financially, career, internal happiness, and even purpose. It;s to the point I don't even thin about my life in terms of the "here and now" anymore. The here and now is totally under control and just like I planned it 4 years ago. When I think of my life now I think in terms of four years down the road, always adding onto the plan, always headed in my direction no matter what comes up or gets in my way.

I've quoted this line from an old Roman play in here a few times. It fits right in for this.

Adversities are the unwoven wool of life.
Hey! You, boy! Listen to me! Weave!
Can you not see that fine warm cloak?
Weave! Weave!

i could pretty much call that my anthem now. When I see a pile of adversities in my life I start weaving them to make something I can use. << if you need a push on that PM me.

With my heart,
Virge

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Jason,

I didn't see your post three days ago. I'm sorry, I wasn't here, and if I was it was a quick reply to PM's since I got email notification. I apologize in being remiss in my duties to be supportive.

I feel for you. And I know exactly where you are at and how it feels.

I get why you are feeling you are stupid and stuff. Its not true, its the situation and how eventually it depresses you and becomes a mountain that seems impassable. I have long considered you a great fellow, when you moved to Sonora area I seriously considered contacting you face to face, but then you were more or less looking for things I can't give you so decided to not do so.

I kinda envy your life, you have done all of this traveling, have gone places, appear to easily fit in to all of these places you go to. That is something I cannot do, no matter how high my IQ is reported to be, I still very stupid and ignorant when it comes to people.

You have intelligence. Perhaps not the type of intelligence I have in the area I have, or in the area of a doctor, or a musician, but you have your intelligence in your area and there are those who envy that in you (I doubt I speak only for myself).

I committed suicide 30 December 1994. I consider it a success since my heart did stop - twice, but those pesky EMT and doctors in the ER meddled around and resuscitated. I know from experience what its like to be at the point where death is a viable option.

Since my death I have lived long enough to enjoy a few bits more of life, have a bit of peace and a spell of easy living. So perhaps I was a bit to hasty there? Perhaps you are a bit hasty as well?

My current life situation is on par with yours, I do have 8 years more life and experience than you, so its not an experience thing that makes the difference. I have degrees as well, they have not served me at all and actually represent a period of almost 6 years of life I wasted pursing things that were not meant to be.

Chances are rather high that had you sought higher education you would be looking at your own degrees and wondering 'Why the duck did I waste all that time money and energy on these pieces of useless paper?'

It actually happens a lot more than people care to admit.

Jason, no one has a clue why they are living. Life doesn't come with an owners manual, and in all honesty even those who appear to have it all together don't.

I have no real solid answers for any of your stuff. Again, I'm in a similar boat, and can't figure out how to let go of the wolf ears without losing my balls...

I can empathize, tell you you are not alone, tell you that from my own personal experiences one can manage to get to the next day by hook or by crook.

I feel for you, and would really hate for you to become another statistic. Really I think you are a great fellow who just hasn't caught a decent break in a while. Its not you, its just life on this miserable ball of mud.

[JackTX]

Wow two responses but when I came out as transgender so much more. Funny how the people that way they care before are nowhere to be found. Whatever I am so done with forums.

Yeah I didn't see this until it came up on recent threads. There are too many sub-forums to keep track of :/

You should definitely get your teeth fixed if you can afford it. You say you're being cheap but you obviously realize how that one thing is impacting your self-image. I dated a guy once who hated the dentist and the last time I saw him he was in rough shape too. There are plenty of dentists who will put you to sleep if you don't want to know what's happening (and tell them about your anxiety!) and they'll give you some pain stuff for after if you need it. Do it for yourself. Being able to smile at people is so crucial to social interaction!

I'd also consider some schooling or training. Adult students often make better ones because they just care more. I dropped out of high school because of... well, weed... and went back to finish at an adult high school in my 20s, then on to college. It was amusing seeing all of the other college kids who just realized what 'partying' was because I had already gotten that out of my system and I had much better grades than most of them.

I would have thought anyone who works at a ski resort would be totally chill and zen about life. Boo @ reality :p

[araya]

when you say you won't ever find happiness, then why don't you make one for yourself? or "collaborate" with someone you love to make the happiness of your own?
happiness not always about what you get, but it can be from things you do or give to someone

suicide is never the answer
everyone has their problems but believe me there'll be ALWAYS people who are willing to listen or give you comfort
I know it's just a mere sugar coated words but BELIEVE ME, these words of comfort might help you thru your day
you need strength to live, you are blessed with your life because someone "up there" know, you have the strength to live your life

Wow two responses but when I came out as transgender so much more. Funny how the people that way they care before are nowhere to be found. Whatever I am so done with forums.

not like people stop caring but it's been like this since I joined
I dunno how it was before, I'm only 2weeks old here
this forum isn't a crowded one, the members didn't always here also
as for me, I usually pick 10 threads on the latest post to see w/o bothering to open the rest and well, I don't visit here that long

[Rareboy]

Wow two responses but when I came out as transgender so much more. Funny how the people that way they care before are nowhere to be found. Whatever I am so done with forums.

Having provided one of the two responses....and having put some thought and care into the reply...I have to say that I'm surprised that your main concern was for the number of replies rather than a response to the suggestions being made.

If you are looking to validate your experience and journey by the number of people who respond to your despair....you may be destined to disappointment, both on line and in the real world. Many people will not feel qualified or comfortable providing advice to those who are experiencing existential doubt. It isn't that they don't care...they may just not have any suggestions to add.

Or, as a number have noted...they missed the thread....because they also were busy. But I don't think that anything is gained by anyone feeling guilty for having not responded when it was three days before you came back to re-engage with the thread you started.

I am going to suggest that if you haven't done it yet....it is time for you to find a good solid counselor who you can have a real conversation in person with.