My brother is a jerk

[xfrostx]

The title pretty much says it all. Sadly there's a lot more to it.

I'm going to start with saying that my brother and I were never close. We're 13 years apart and he moved out when I was 7 and after that I was barely seeing him. I completely stopped seeing him when I was about 11 and he moved to Germany. So yeah, we never really could have a good brotherly relationship even if we weren't so totally different. He did come back for my graduation though when I was 18 just to sit around and watch my parents send me to hell for being gay. He didn't really help them but didn't stop them either. After that I never saw him until last year when he got back from Germany again and suddenly approached me. We met and we talked and I saw that he seemed a lot different than I remembered him to be. He told me that he had a serious girlfriend who was pregnant and they were getting married. He invited me to the wedding and said he was sorry for being a horrible big brother and that he doesn't think like my parents and doesn't hate me being gay and invited my boyfriend to the wedding too.

During that year things were okay between us. He lived in another city though and we mostly just spoke on the phone, I went to see him a few times and his beautiful baby daughter. It seemed like things were going really well, he had a job, had a family and seemed like a completely different well.. until September this year when he called me and told me that he needed my help. He said that his wife wanted a divorce and the reason dropped like a rock on my head... he has a child from another woman, a 15-year-old girl who he hasn't met since she was 3. The girl's grandmother passed away and she was taking care of her up until now and the mother didn't want to take care of her so she dumped the poor kid on my brother and his wife went berserk on him. I partly understand her for not wanting to take care of his child but at that time I couldn't really understand her either. It didn't take long though for me to figure by talking with her a few times that it wasn't only about the girl but about the fact he's been unfaithful to her many times and there were many other problems in their marriage and the only reason she married him to begin with was the fact she was pregnant.

Of course my brother had nowhere to go, he couldn't leave the girl on the street and didn't want to dump her in an orphanage so I took him in along with my wonderful niece (the fact I live in Bulgaria should explain why he couldn't afford renting a place for him and his daughter and still paying allowance for his little daughter). I never really took this as a burden though. For a while moving into the city where I love he was jobless and had no savings or whatsoever and I took care of them both as much as it was possible (that's probably not the best thing to say but my niece used to live in complete poverty with her grandma and she barely had any clothes, yeah people, such things aren't so uncommon in Bulgaria and I honestly don't know about other countries). And my niece is wonderful, she's smart and pretty and at first she was really scared and for days she wouldn't speak a word unless I force her. Now it's much different but I still think she feels like a burden to me and my boyfriend (whose place we're actually staying). She's very modest and she repeated more times than I can count how she'd find a way to get through if she was being a burden so throughout these months my biggest aim was to make her feel comfortable and feel like a normal teenager and be in a loving atmosphere where she doesn't feel unneeded and unloved (you probably can imagine what it feels like the only person who seemed to care about you dying and then your mom tosses you to your father and you seem to ruin his life and end up in the house of two strangers who probably would have it much better without you because I'm far from being rich, we're doing okay when it's just me and my boyfriend but it's kinda tough with two other people in the house)

But going back to the main thing which was that my brother is a jerk! He never made even a tiiiiiiny attempt to get closer to her and around her he acts like a complete stranger, he never talks with her (or anyone for that matter, I get he's depressed but this is his daughter dammit!) and I can see that this is making her feel bad. A month ago he was saying how he's trying to get back with his wife and got really down by the fact she didn't even want to talk with him. And from there he began being a total jerk. He has a job now but he never gave me even a cent even if I suppose he should care about this. I'm such a person that I wouldn't confront him about it but I think I'll have to at some point if he doesn't realize that this can't continue forever. He's been drinking (outside of the house fortunately or I would have thrown the bottle at him) and now I got to know he's dating some bimbo. Well sure, you don't got money to care about how your daughter is doing or how food appears on your table (actually that's not even his table) but you got money to drink and take a bimbo out on lovey-dovey dates.

However that's not even the worst part. He's behaving horribly towards me. Now I have to get into the subject of my parents again. He dared one day telling me how it was all my fault that my parents and I never got along. His reasons for that go are as far as the fact I DECIDED to stay gay even if I saw that this is HURTING THEM so badly. Everything else I can take but not THIS. And the fact a few days ago he told me how I was sick for kissing my boyfriend in front of his daughter. Oh well.

What exactly should I do with this jerk? How exactly should I approach the situation and explain him that his behavior simply cannot continue? At the same time I don't want to make my niece feel insecure that one day I'll have enough and just kick them both out. I want her to feel secure and at home with me but I also want to make it clear that my brother just can't continue being like this... so my question is HOW?

[Jay]

The title pretty much says it all. Sadly there's a lot more to it.

I'm going to start with saying that my brother and I were never close. We're 13 years apart and he moved out when I was 7 and after that I was barely seeing him. I completely stopped seeing him when I was about 11 and he moved to Germany. So yeah, we never really could have a good brotherly relationship even if we weren't so totally different. He did come back for my graduation though when I was 18 just to sit around and watch my parents send me to hell for being gay. He didn't really help them but didn't stop them either. After that I never saw him until last year when he got back from Germany again and suddenly approached me. We met and we talked and I saw that he seemed a lot different than I remembered him to be. He told me that he had a serious girlfriend who was pregnant and they were getting married. He invited me to the wedding and said he was sorry for being a horrible big brother and that he doesn't think like my parents and doesn't hate me being gay and invited my boyfriend to the wedding too.

During that year things were okay between us. He lived in another city though and we mostly just spoke on the phone, I went to see him a few times and his beautiful baby daughter. It seemed like things were going really well, he had a job, had a family and seemed like a completely different well.. until September this year when he called me and told me that he needed my help. He said that his wife wanted a divorce and the reason dropped like a rock on my head... he has a child from another woman, a 15-year-old girl who he hasn't met since she was 3. The girl's grandmother passed away and she was taking care of her up until now and the mother didn't want to take care of her so she dumped the poor kid on my brother and his wife went berserk on him. I partly understand her for not wanting to take care of his child but at that time I couldn't really understand her either. It didn't take long though for me to figure by talking with her a few times that it wasn't only about the girl but about the fact he's been unfaithful to her many times and there were many other problems in their marriage and the only reason she married him to begin with was the fact she was pregnant.

Of course my brother had nowhere to go, he couldn't leave the girl on the street and didn't want to dump her in an orphanage so I took him in along with my wonderful niece (the fact I live in Bulgaria should explain why he couldn't afford renting a place for him and his daughter and still paying allowance for his little daughter). I never really took this as a burden though. For a while moving into the city where I love he was jobless and had no savings or whatsoever and I took care of them both as much as it was possible (that's probably not the best thing to say but my niece used to live in complete poverty with her grandma and she barely had any clothes, yeah people, such things aren't so uncommon in Bulgaria and I honestly don't know about other countries). And my niece is wonderful, she's smart and pretty and at first she was really scared and for days she wouldn't speak a word unless I force her. Now it's much different but I still think she feels like a burden to me and my boyfriend (whose place we're actually staying). She's very modest and she repeated more times than I can count how she'd find a way to get through if she was being a burden so throughout these months my biggest aim was to make her feel comfortable and feel like a normal teenager and be in a loving atmosphere where she doesn't feel unneeded and unloved (you probably can imagine what it feels like the only person who seemed to care about you dying and then your mom tosses you to your father and you seem to ruin his life and end up in the house of two strangers who probably would have it much better without you because I'm far from being rich, we're doing okay when it's just me and my boyfriend but it's kinda tough with two other people in the house)

But going back to the main thing which was that my brother is a jerk! He never made even a tiiiiiiny attempt to get closer to her and around her he acts like a complete stranger, he never talks with her (or anyone for that matter, I get he's depressed but this is his daughter dammit!) and I can see that this is making her feel bad. A month ago he was saying how he's trying to get back with his wife and got really down by the fact she didn't even want to talk with him. And from there he began being a total jerk. He has a job now but he never gave me even a cent even if I suppose he should care about this. I'm such a person that I wouldn't confront him about it but I think I'll have to at some point if he doesn't realize that this can't continue forever. He's been drinking (outside of the house fortunately or I would have thrown the bottle at him) and now I got to know he's dating some bimbo. Well sure, you don't got money to care about how your daughter is doing or how food appears on your table (actually that's not even his table) but you got money to drink and take a bimbo out on lovey-dovey dates.

However that's not even the worst part. He's behaving horribly towards me. Now I have to get into the subject of my parents again. He dared one day telling me how it was all my fault that my parents and I never got along. His reasons for that go are as far as the fact I DECIDED to stay gay even if I saw that this is HURTING THEM so badly. Everything else I can take but not THIS. And the fact a few days ago he told me how I was sick for kissing my boyfriend in front of his daughter. Oh well.

What exactly should I do with this jerk? How exactly should I approach the situation and explain him that his behavior simply cannot continue? At the same time I don't want to make my niece feel insecure that one day I'll have enough and just kick them both out. I want her to feel secure and at home with me but I also want to make it clear that my brother just can't continue being like this... so my question is HOW?

I think it's best for you to have a private one on one discussion with your brother for being jobless, not communicating to her daughter and well, for being a jerk. There's an old saying, you don't bite the hand that is feeding you. Maybe he needs to be reminded with that old saying.

Another thing, can you just kick him out but let his daughter stays with you? It's not like he's being a responsible father to her to begin with. In a way, I feel like he's exploiting her daughter so you feel extra sorry for him too.

[Maverick]

Frost,

I can't imagine what it's like for you dealing with your brother, but I can say this. YOU are doing the right thing, being kind to his daughter, being the parent that she needs right now, so I commend you on that. It's sad how your brother is acting, but it sounds like he is self centered and immature. Sadly there really isn't much you can do about that, usually when people have that sort of personally, they rarely ever change. So just continue to do the right thing, do what you can, but hold your brother accountable. Also, showing affection towards your boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with that, actually it's really a good thing, because your niece will learn about love, real love! And don't allow your brother to blame you for problems with your parents, them not accepting you is "their" problem, not yours.

I'm really proud of you and your boyfriend for how you've handled this situation, you are members of the caring and decent people of this world! Hope you all have a warm and happy Christmas!

[ShiftyNJ]

I like the "Your daughter can stay, but you need to go" idea, even if it's a bluff. He brings nothing to the table, and he needs to know this about himself. I'm almost wondering about an intervention-type conversation, where your boyfriend (it's his house, he's entitled to say so) and the daughter get to weigh in.

[Lexington]

Tell him starting in January he needs to pay X amount of money for rent. If he doesn't, he's getting evicted. His daughter can stay. And then, stick with it.

Lex

[ceez]

I agree with everyone else on this, tell him he needs to grow up or get out. Plus I'm pretty sure you and your bf are raising your neice on your own now? But reading about how he is he might test you on that. Ugh, this reminds me of every other guy at my job, men are pigs :mad:

[meridannight]

it sounds like he is lashing out at you because he is not in control of his own life and probably unable to deal with the stress and all the problems he's going through. that's no excuse to treat you that way though, and be unthankful for what you and your partner have done for him. you have done nothing wrong, you've been helping him and he could at least keep that in mind. but since you're his sibling he grew up with it's easy for him to live his stress out on you, and that's what he's doing.

next time he says he thinks it's sick you kissing your partner you can tell him he's free to find his own place and move out if he doesn't like it. or deal with it and stop being an asshole.

his drinking is troubling though actually. it's probably the same thing, can't deal with his life, things aren't going the way he wants them to go, so he drowns it in a bottle. that's not a solution to anything. and depending on his personality and whether or not he's the type to develop an alcohol-dependency, that could turn ugly. i try not to make any assumptions, but first sign that his drinking is getting to be out of control you need to address that problem, if not before.

your niece is not to blame for his actions though. you're a great guy trying to make her feel welcome and safe in your home. she sounds like a decent person and a lot more together than her dad. she's probably just more independent-minded and that's why she doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. just keep showing her she isn't. maybe involve her in some of the household responsibilities, and let her have a say about some things, in order to make it feel like it's really her home too? if, of course, that's okay with you and your partner.

do you think she'd prefer to stay with you guys in case you'd have to throw your brother out? if he's drinking and barely providing for her now i can't imagine how he'd make a better life for her than what she has now with you and your partner.

maybe you could discuss the whole situation concerning her father with her? and what she thinks about it? she might be 15 but i doubt she's clueless. get her perspective.

it's a complicated situation for sure, and you have to make it clear to your brother that you won't tolerate such antics on his part.