I know what I want, but the sad truth is I never wanted this... I know that makes me sound like a self hating bigot. I admire your confidence, wish I had it.
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Ryansparks450 Wrote:meridiannite
What's changed is the intensity, also we have a few friends that are gay and I feel a motional bond with them. Having gay friends is rather new in my life and they seem brave to me. If it was just sexual I don't think I would pursue my thoughts, but I find the entire package more a more appealing.
With that said, I don't want to disgaurd the life I built....I feel like a coward.
okay. well, maybe you're a late bloomer then. some guys are.
you gotta figure out what you want. there's no getting around it. if you really want to be with men, then that's what you gotta do. you can't have it both ways, keep your wife AND get to have a guy on the side. explore, make up your mind, and act accordingly. it is as simple as that.
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Ryansparks450 Wrote:I know what I want, but the sad truth is I never wanted this... I know that makes me sound like a self hating bigot. I admire your confidence, wish I had it. This is why I'm suggesting a therapist (or sex therapist). Your self-worth and self-image are getting tied up with your sexuality.
We all grow up in a hetero-normative and generally homophobic world. We each adapt to that depending on a lot of variables including personality, family, culture, religion (if any), etc.
In short: There's no point beating yourself up or judging yourself as 'cowardly' (or whatever). You're dealing with conflicting desires and at this point in your life you're asking yourself how to resolve them. This is a big deal. What matters is what you do now and how you go about it, not what you didn't do in the past.
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meridannight Wrote:... you can't have it both ways, keep your wife AND get to have a guy on the side. explore, make up your mind, and act accordingly. it is as simple as that.
I disagree. It isn't 'as simple as that' at all, for one. And, for another, I know for a fact there are married men in committed (but open) straight relationships who DO have male sex partners. Granted they are rare but they do exist.
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MikeW Wrote:I disagree. It isn't 'as simple as that' at all, for one. And, for another, I know for a fact there are married men in committed (but open) straight relationships who DO have male sex partners. Granted they are rare but they do exist.
i was telling him what i thought was a sensible thing to do. of course he can stay married and fuck men on the side if he wants. if that's what satisfies him then he should do that. i don't think that's the way to go about it, but it's not up to me.
and, yes, it is as simple as that. life boils down to figuring out what you want to do and then doing it. it's THAT simple.
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[MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] One man's dessert is another man's poison. I'm saying it isn't "as simple as that" because the OP is married. If he has any quality of character at all, it can't simply be about what "he wants" -- there is at least one other human being in the equation, his wife, and possibly children (he hasn't said). Yes, for sure, he needs to decide what he wants but he also needs to be a responsible husband and (perhaps) father. This is FAR from "simple". I've seen situations like this get TOTALLY fucked up because men started thinking with their dicks instead of their brains -- not to mention their hearts.
As for 'fucking around on the side' or w/e, what I'm saying is I know of relationships where a man and wife have an understanding, an agreement, that allows the man to have extramarital sex with men. This activity does not threaten the marriage -- and all that goes with it. Again, such agreements are rare but a) they do exist and b) they take real work and communication -- a level of maturity on everyone's part -- TO work.
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MIKEW
thank you for your thoughtful inpute. I think I'm going to take your advice and seek professional help. You are correct, I have more than myself to think about and the life I created can't be a afterthought.
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[MENTION=22084]Ryansparks450[/MENTION]: You're welcome. This is the point, you have a life -- a whole history of investments both monetary and emotional. That isn't something to be put in jeopardy lightly. There's also the question -- where do I go from here? For sure, knowing what you want is a significant piece of the equation -- but we should all know by now that our desires OFTEN conflict (I want to loose fat, I want a piece of chocolate cake).
A word about therapists: There are many different kinds and some may be more insightful and useful than others. You may have to try out several before you find one that fits you and your needs. A good one is a guide who will listen to the full story -- all the details of it -- and not impose their own POV too strongly on the matter. What's needed is to come more fully in contact with what I call 'your truth' -- what is true for you on a deeper level than mere lust (for example) or social obligation (as another example).
I also recommend you keep visiting us when time and interest permits. This is a social forum -- a kind of meeting place for all sorts of going's on. It can give you a taste of 'gay life' (which, trust me, is fraught with its own ups and downs, frustrations and complications). For sure, knowing what you want -- your truth -- is an important component. But even knowing that doesn't always translate into actually letting ourselves HAVE what we want. (Obviously I'm speaking from my own experience, here.)
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I see three possibilities:
1) You're bi and this deeper attraction to men may be a temporary turn in the road that is your sexuality. This kind of implies that you have been sexually attracted to females, previously.
2) You're gay.
3) You're attracted by the forbidden fruit and the fantasy thrills you. Maybe because your sex life has turned stale and this became a temporary fix.
There's nothing wrong with being gay and if that's what you find yourself to be, then so be it. This is your life and you should live it for yourself. By this I don't mean that you should uproot and leave everything behind, but maybe take some steps to be true to yourself and make arrangements.
I've heard (I think somewhere on these forums..) about guys in straight long-term relationships who get a couple of weekends every year, where they go and get their gay on. After the weekends they return and play the loving husband.
Your wife may already have guessed it and she may turn out to be very supportive of your discovery...
If you're gay....
(AlohaShannon went through a similar thing, maybe search for his posts?)
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Confused and need Gay men's advice
