I guess I'm gay

[brambleyo]

Hey so I'm new to this forum. I've just been looking through threads and I haven't posted yet so I figured I should.

Alright so I grew up a pretty normal kid. I never really thought I could be gay until a few weeks ago. I'm 21 and I always thought I liked girls. When I was 13 a few of my friends and I looked at porn for the first time while my mom was gone. I thought it was hot even though I guess I didn't really know why or what I liked about it. I went through high school and everything was pretty cool. I had a few girlfriends, I lost my virginity to one of them, I played sports, I had a lot of friends, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I decided not to go to college because my mom can barely afford our rent let alone college for me so I got a job as a waiter and so I've been working for a few years.

A lot of my good friends from high school went to college, though, so I've visited them a lot on weekends and such. One of my best friends invited me to one of his frat parties and I had been to a few of them already so I didn't expect anything weird to happen. I had been drinking with him and a bunch of his frat brothers and around 3 am as the party was dying down a little, a few of us went to one of their bedrooms. I'm cool with most of them and I've talked to them all a bunch of times before this by the way. So most of us were pretty drunk by now and one of them brought up truth or dare. He dared one of the other guys to kiss me and I didn't think we'd actually do it so I didn't really get nervous. But he came right over to me and started making out with me. I was pretty wasted and just went with it but it lasted a lot longer than the guy who dared us to had thought it would. So he made a joke like damn guys I didn't know you were that gay or something and I pulled back. It hadn't really hit me that I was making out with another guy but I liked it. So after it was all over I ended up sleeping in the guy's room (the one I made out with) and we just passed out in the same bed.

The next day we woke up about same time and we kind of just looked at each other like shit did we really do that last night. He got up and started making jokes about it but then he got real silent and said he'd be down to do it again under the right circumstances. I asked him what he meant and he finally admitted he's bi. I have always kind of known that I thought guys were attractive but I never thought about trying to have sex with guys or anything. I always thought maybe I was bi but I just suppressed it and thought it was just me being stupid or something. He got kind of sensitive about it and I told him I didn't care and that I might do it again if we were both drunk. So we went on with our day and there was another frat party that night. I thought about what we did and I realized I really liked it but that maybe I liked it so much because I was drunk. Around 8 pm it was just me and him in his room and I told him I was having second thoughts about doing anything again if we were drunk and he tried to apologize for making it weird. I was really confused about it and I told him it was cool. But I kept thinking about it and him and maybe I wanted to do more so like 30 minutes later after we had been pregaming a little bit, I got the balls to tell him I wanted to close the door and make out with him. He was shocked but he seemed real happy. One thing led to another and we texted everyone that we weren't going to the party. We made out and gave each other blow jobs, which was amazing, and then he said he's actually more into guys than girls. He asked me if he's ever thought about having sex with a guy and I really hadn't before but I really wanted to have sex with him at that point. Neither of us had ever done anal before, especially not with another guy, so he said he'd bottom for me. I didn't even know what that meant and he said he would let me fuck him if I'd let him fuck me after. For some reason it sounded really hot so I agreed. He put a condom on me and my heart was racing really fast but I was really horny. So... we ended up having sex and it was the best orgasm I've ever had... Afterwards I felt kind of ashamed and I asked him not to tell anyone. He said he definitely wouldn't and he admitted he was kind of embarrassed too. He said he really liked it though and so did I so I joked we should do it again later and he said yeah. So a few hours later we did and after that we just laid in his bed naked together and it was freaking fantastic. I had never felt happier than at that moment and I don't really know why. Everything just seemed ok.

So it's been about a month since then. I've seen him a bunch of times and we've fooled around a lot and he told me he's developed something that he wants to be more than sexual with me. Over the last month I've thought about him a lot and if I could be gay and if I've ever really been attracted to girls at all. I told him I felt the same way but I didn't know if I was gay. He told me he thinks he's gay but that he's never felt like he could tell anyone else before he told me. I finally told him I wanted something more than sex and so we're dating now...

I really like him but I'm so afraid of what this means. I don't really have any gay friends and I don't know what the rest of my friends would think if they knew. I think I might be gay because even though I enjoyed having sex with girls, it was just the sex rather than the girls... if that makes sense. Like I said I've always thought I was sort of attracted to dudes but it never really made it's way into my head that I was gay and that I really wasn't into girls. I'm terrified of what people will think. I also have a hard time calling him my boyfriend. I mean that's what he is but it sounds strange to me. I've never had a problem with gays and I've seen the ones that are really obvious and open about it and I didn't think anything of it. But I grew up playing sports and I don't fit the stereotype at all. My boyfriend (lol it still sounds a little weird!) is also an athlete and we have a lot in common. I've kind of learned that not all gay guys are the ones that are kind of girly and loud about it. I know maybe that should have been obvious but I didn't know any examples. I wish we knew other gay guys like us who we could relate to in that sense though. We've been friends for over a year through my other best friend, but I've learned so much about him and about myself this past month. His college is nearby so I can see him all the time. I still live with my mom because she doesn't make a lot so I help pay for things. I introduced him to her for the first time last week as a friend. We just went to my room and laid in my bed and cuddled and held hands and talked. We weren't going to risk doing anything else. But it was fine I just really loved being with him. And he's really hot too lol. We've had some really deep conversations that I've never had with another guy before but it's pretty awesome. It's all really new for both of us and we're kind of just going with the flow. I don't want to say I'm in love with him but it really feels like it...

So I'm really just wondering if we should tell anyone yet or if we did how would we do it. A lot of our friends are straight guys and I mean we'd all make gay jokes not really trying to be offensive, but now it's kind of hit me like uh shit... I'm gay so if they make a gay joke I have to pretend like it's nothing new. Ironically my best friend that goes to the same college made a joke that I was spending more time with the other guy (my boyfriend! Lol) than I was with him and jokingly asked if I was being gay with him or something. He wasn't seriously asking but as it turns out... I am lol. I'm really happy we have each other to go through this with, but I don't know what my mom would think or my friends and I don't want it to change anything or make it awkward. My bad for this being so long though.. I'm just not sure what I should do

[LJay]

Where is it written that you have to tell someone? when you reach the age of majority our culture assumes that you are able to have your own life and your own privacy is part of that. You do not need to run to mother for approval, or to anyone else for that matter.

[Borg69]

Please don't let fear ruin a good thing. I understand you're young, inexperienced, scared, ... but your story was pretty freakin' awesome! Most guys would kill for an experience like you're in, and that type of close connection/chemistry. Just take things slow. You don't have to come screaming out of the closet to everyone at once. Take baby steps. Maybe you and your BF could go to a few gay bars and possibly meet other guys your age in your situation and make some gay friends to hang out with?

Talk to your BF. Let him know you're happy - but also fear the unknown of what everyone else might say. He could be going through the same thing and enjoy bringing it out in the open that you're nervous too.

[JackTX]

I think you're doing just fine. Society gets us so conditioned to be one way (straight) and it takes different people longer to undo that mess and become comfortable with themselves if they don't fit that mold perfectly.

Take heart though. For a lot of us, it has never been a better time to come out. This of course depends on who you have around you and how religious/conservative they are. If they aren't likely to view this well due to those reasons and you're dependent on them, you may want to wait.

I see a lot of people wait until they find someone special. It really helps having at least one person you can turn to if everything else goes tits up, but you'll have to figure out how sick you are of lying to everyone or if it's better to let it stew for a while longer.

You DO have a secret, but it's a good one. Don't forget to smile about that

[ShiftyNJ]

I think you're doing just fine. Society gets us so conditioned to be one way (straight) and it takes different people longer to undo that mess and become comfortable with themselves if they don't fit that mold perfectly.

Take heart though. For a lot of us, it has never been a better time to come out. This of course depends on who you have around you and how religious/conservative they are. If they aren't likely to view this well due to those reasons and you're dependent on them, you may want to wait.

I see a lot of people wait until they find someone special. It really helps having at least one person you can turn to if everything else goes tits up, but you'll have to figure out how sick you are of lying to everyone or if it's better to let it stew for a while longer.

You DO have a secret, but it's a good one. Don't forget to smile about that

Another reason for this is -- if your mom or others in your life care about you -- the bottom line is they want to see you happy. If being with this guy makes you happy they are going to pick up on that and hopefully be happy for you as well.

[MikeW]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=22069]brambleyo[/MENTION] ! Invite your BF to join us too! We're a social forum (as opposed to a hook-up type site), so we just hang out and talk about stuff.

"Coming out" is different for all of us and varies with personality, disposition, where you live -- all kinds of things.

The first step is "coming out to yourself," which basically means a) knowing your sexual feelings and b) acknowledging them consciously to yourself. You and your friend have obviously taken step 1.

Beyond that it is coming out to other people -- as need be. Again, this varies a lot with an individual and their circumstances. If you have a good relationship with your mom, think it would improve your relationship with her, and aren't concerned with whether or not she'd kick you out of the house (for example), then you might want to open up to her about this at some point. When is entirely up to you.

Same thing with friends, like the guy who mentioned your hanging out with your (unknown to him) BF. What would have happened if you'd just said straight-up to him, "Actually, yeah, we are..." (or whatever)? What happens next is the gears inside the other guy's head have to go through some sort of readjustment phase. Usually there's confusion, possibly accompanied with some prejudice (born of simple ignorance). In other words, what does anyone who isn't gay and has lived as gay really know about what it "means" to be gay? And if they've assumed you were straight like them, there is going to be an adjustment phase of getting to know you in a new light.

Obviously, all this is something you have to evaluate for yourself, who you want to tell. Also, keep in mind, things like this are difficult to keep secret for long. Eventually someone is going to figure it out -- as your friend indicates. So, is it better for there to be rumors? Or is it better to clear the air and set things, eh, straight? There aren't any rules, you do what you feel is right. And, yes, it is a big deal for 'us' but often it isn't as big a deal for others as we think it is going to be. Sometimes, yes. Again, depends on how 'brainwashed' people are.

You asked about meeting other guys who are more 'jockish'. RealJock.com is one option. Lots of jock gay guys there. However, be forewarned about a couple things. First of all, most of the guys there are looking to hook up with other guys. It isn't exactly a hook-up site but a lot of that goes on. (It used to be far worse when they had VideoIMs and Video Chat Rooms.) Second, the forum is very badly moderated. There is a lot of BS that goes on there, lots of trolls and catfish of various sorts. Arguments, insults, flame wars, etc., are common. (By comparison we're a much friendlier bunch.) That said, though, there are also some good people there. It just takes some wading through the BS to find them.

In any case, welcome. Hope you keep coming back and keep us updated on what is going on in your world. Don't be afraid to chime in on any thread you find interesting.

ETA: And I forgot to mention, you're right... being gay is not just about sex, it's about the feelings that develop between guys. (There are guys who consider themselves straight who sometimes have sex with other guys on the DL but aren't interested in bonding with them emotionally.)

[bluerealm]

I'm jaded so keep this in mind, but i have a problem with some things.
When you said, "Neither of us had ever done anal before, especially not with another guy, so he said he'd bottom for me." I kind of got a feeling that he has done this before. He said he'd bottom for you but you had no clue what that meant and he did??? and he put the condom on you?
You're Bi maybe even Gay. This is a fact!
but you said, "Afterwards I felt kind of ashamed and I asked him not to tell anyone."
You like being gay but you need to love being gay. You need to deal with these feelings of being ashamed.
Gay guys can be very shady. Protect your heart at all cost. Make sure you get to know this guy and make sure he is telling you the truth. I think this is a good romance but don't fall for him so fast. Just have fun and injoy his company. You're still kind of experimenting. Are you sure this is what you want?

The only regret I have about being with guys is that guys are dicks and you need to make sure when its just sex or love.

[CellarDweller]

welcome to the forum

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum Brambleyo.

There is no need to rush into coming out, and as long as your both comfortable with things the way they are why change that?

[Rareboy]

Well that all seems to have turned out very well.

Well come.

Welcome.