I guess I'm gay

[brambleyo]

Where is it written that you have to tell someone? when you reach the age of majority our culture assumes that you are able to have your own life and your own privacy is part of that. You do not need to run to mother for approval, or to anyone else for that matter.

You're right. Now that I've accepted that I'm gay, I guess I just want to tell the people I'm closest to that I'm dating someone, a guy, and that it's fricken amazing. I know I shouldn't need anyone else's approval, but I'm hoping my friends and my mom will share the same happiness with me as opposed to feeling awkward about it.

Please don't let fear ruin a good thing. I understand you're young, inexperienced, scared, ... but your story was pretty freakin' awesome! Most guys would kill for an experience like you're in, and that type of close connection/chemistry. Just take things slow. You don't have to come screaming out of the closet to everyone at once. Take baby steps. Maybe you and your BF could go to a few gay bars and possibly meet other guys your age in your situation and make some gay friends to hang out with?

Talk to your BF. Let him know you're happy - but also fear the unknown of what everyone else might say. He could be going through the same thing and enjoy bringing it out in the open that you're nervous too.

Haha now that I think about it, it is pretty darn cool. I'm really lucky to have him to go through all this with. We're still debating who we're ok with knowing and we're gonna tell our best friend (the mutual friend who goes to his college) first. I think he'd be cool with it, maybe surprised at first, but I guess we'll see. We talked about going to a gay bar or something to meet other guys like us who we could talk to, but we did a little snooping around and a lot of people seem to have bad first experiences and then never go back lol. I won't knock it til I try it though. We might go when we're a little more comfortable with random people knowing. And we're both pretty open with each other. He seems as happy as I do but also nervous about what other people might say.

I think you're doing just fine. Society gets us so conditioned to be one way (straight) and it takes different people longer to undo that mess and become comfortable with themselves if they don't fit that mold perfectly.

Take heart though. For a lot of us, it has never been a better time to come out. This of course depends on who you have around you and how religious/conservative they are. If they aren't likely to view this well due to those reasons and you're dependent on them, you may want to wait.

I see a lot of people wait until they find someone special. It really helps having at least one person you can turn to if everything else goes tits up, but you'll have to figure out how sick you are of lying to everyone or if it's better to let it stew for a while longer.

You DO have a secret, but it's a good one. Don't forget to smile about that

Thanks for this. It sucks we're told what to do, what to believe is right, and we're brainwashed from the time we're born. I guess I'm partly brainwashed myself. I mean I know it's fine calling him my boyfriend but it still sounds odd to me right now, probably because of society, but it shouldn't. I guess I need to be unbrainwashed lol. But you're right, I know 10-20 years ago it was a lot different for gay people. Luckily, I'm not too religious nor is my mom or most of my friends. I think I'll wait a little while to tell anyone and just enjoy it for now, but I'm really happy I have him to do it with when the time is right.

[brambleyo]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=22069]brambleyo[/MENTION] ! Invite your BF to join us too! We're a social forum (as opposed to a hook-up type site), so we just hang out and talk about stuff.

"Coming out" is different for all of us and varies with personality, disposition, where you live -- all kinds of things.

The first step is "coming out to yourself," which basically means a) knowing your sexual feelings and b) acknowledging them consciously to yourself. You and your friend have obviously taken step 1.

Beyond that it is coming out to other people -- as need be. Again, this varies a lot with an individual and their circumstances. If you have a good relationship with your mom, think it would improve your relationship with her, and aren't concerned with whether or not she'd kick you out of the house (for example), then you might want to open up to her about this at some point. When is entirely up to you.

Same thing with friends, like the guy who mentioned your hanging out with your (unknown to him) BF. What would have happened if you'd just said straight-up to him, "Actually, yeah, we are..." (or whatever)? What happens next is the gears inside the other guy's head have to go through some sort of readjustment phase. Usually there's confusion, possibly accompanied with some prejudice (born of simple ignorance). In other words, what does anyone who isn't gay and has lived as gay really know about what it "means" to be gay? And if they've assumed you were straight like them, there is going to be an adjustment phase of getting to know you in a new light.

Obviously, all this is something you have to evaluate for yourself, who you want to tell. Also, keep in mind, things like this are difficult to keep secret for long. Eventually someone is going to figure it out -- as your friend indicates. So, is it better for there to be rumors? Or is it better to clear the air and set things, eh, straight? There aren't any rules, you do what you feel is right. And, yes, it is a big deal for 'us' but often it isn't as big a deal for others as we think it is going to be. Sometimes, yes. Again, depends on how 'brainwashed' people are.

You asked about meeting other guys who are more 'jockish'. RealJock.com is one option. Lots of jock gay guys there. However, be forewarned about a couple things. First of all, most of the guys there are looking to hook up with other guys. It isn't exactly a hook-up site but a lot of that goes on. (It used to be far worse when they had VideoIMs and Video Chat Rooms.) Second, the forum is very badly moderated. There is a lot of BS that goes on there, lots of trolls and catfish of various sorts. Arguments, insults, flame wars, etc., are common. (By comparison we're a much friendlier bunch.) That said, though, there are also some good people there. It just takes some wading through the BS to find them.

In any case, welcome. Hope you keep coming back and keep us updated on what is going on in your world. Don't be afraid to chime in on any thread you find interesting.

ETA: And I forgot to mention, you're right... being gay is not just about sex, it's about the feelings that develop between guys. (There are guys who consider themselves straight who sometimes have sex with other guys on the DL but aren't interested in bonding with them emotionally.)

Thanks! My mom has given up a lot for me and she's the reason I'm where I am today. I'm almost positive she would be fine with it, but there's still a certain uneasiness in telling her. I just remember her telling me I'd meet a nice girl one day and get married and have kids when I was younger and things that most moms say to their sons and I'd hate to disappoint her. I know I can do all that still, minus meeting a nice girl lol, it just won't be how she imagined it. I'm her only son and like I said, she's given up so much for me so I almost feel like I owe it to her to make her happy. I dunno. As for my friends, I think most of them would be cool with it, but it's still nerve-wracking to think about. But I guess every gay guy's felt like that before. It'd be real nice to just get it off my chest. Also I don't really know much about all the labels, but I didn't realize there were straight guys who have sex other with guys. That's interesting. The emotional aspect of my relationship with him is crazy. I can't believe how strongly I feel about him lol, so I don't think I fall into that category haha. And thanks for the heads up about Realjock, I'll be sure to check it out.

[brambleyo]

brambleyo I want to say hello and congrats on having a boyfriend I am so happy for you !!!!
I know that you said that you do not know any one that is gay I bet you do know someone and just do not know he is gay .I know that I had a few friends growing up that was gay and I had no idea for years, also who cares if anyone knows if you are gay it is no body's business unless you make it !!! If they are your true friends they will be OK with it and accept you for no matter what and if they don't you don't need them anyway .I would be glad to be your friend and I would not care who you was with as long as you are happy . :-) Well that was kinda weird lol sorry I do that once in awhile . But I really do mean it please message me any time I will be there if you ever need to talk or even just vent I will do my best to help in any way possible . Thanks for letting me get that out and have the best day ever!

Thanks dude. I don't think I have the best gaydar anyway and maybe I do have friends who are gay. Maybe if I came out, they'd be inspired to come out too haha. Thanks for your kind words.

[brambleyo]

I'm jaded so keep this in mind, but i have a problem with some things.
When you said, "Neither of us had ever done anal before, especially not with another guy, so he said he'd bottom for me." I kind of got a feeling that he has done this before. He said he'd bottom for you but you had no clue what that meant and he did??? and he put the condom on you?
You're Bi maybe even Gay. This is a fact!
but you said, "Afterwards I felt kind of ashamed and I asked him not to tell anyone."
You like being gay but you need to love being gay. You need to deal with these feelings of being ashamed.
Gay guys can be very shady. Protect your heart at all cost. Make sure you get to know this guy and make sure he is telling you the truth. I think this is a good romance but don't fall for him so fast. Just have fun and injoy his company. You're still kind of experimenting. Are you sure this is what you want?

The only regret I have about being with guys is that guys are dicks and you need to make sure when its just sex or love.

I think it's good to be cautious and I admit am falling pretty hard for him real fast. I don't think he's lying though. I guess he's done his fair share of gay research lol. He said he's looked up coming out videos on youtube and he's always watched gay porn but that's he's also been closeted his whole life. He actually introduced me to gay porn, which if I had looked at a little more growing up maybe it would have clicked in my head a little sooner.... lol... But I don't think he's a liar. I'm a skeptic myself but the way he talks about it makes it seem like he's even more afraid of people knowing than I am.

[brambleyo]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. Also, I responded to a few more posts but I guess it has to be approved first before it's posted? And for some reason one of the responses went through but the rest are pending approval. Hmmm lol strange haha

[ck86]

Hello and welcome!

There's no rush to coming out. Come out when you are comfortable. And it's not just a one off process. I've been out of the closet for years but still have to come out over and over again whenever I meet new people.

Most importantly make sure you are happy!

[bluerealm]

i'm going 2 put my 2 cents in one more time.

some str8 people might say that you have been turned out Because of the alcohol. these are college guys after all. but even drunk i know what i like and you are 21.
you also went back sober to have sex again. You also did orel with no problem.
NO WAY IN HELL would i give a women oral drunk or sober.
keep in mind these are college guys who might have set you up but maybe something came out of it.
i could also be all wrong.

i have my reasons to be pissed at cops. they think all gay guys try and turn people out....

[reaper]

That's an awesome story.

It sounds like it's going really well for you.

Telling others is really up to you. Who you tell, when you decide to tell them, and what you chose to share is a personal choice. Do whatever you're comfortable with.

You have nothing to be ashamed of either, you are who you are. You're the same person you were before this...you're just happier and with someone you've connected with in a way you may not have expected.

What others think is irrelevant, what you think and feel is.

Good luck with everything, and thanks for sharing your story.

[ShiftyNJ]

There is also the whole bi/heteroflexible thing. There may be guys around you who ID as straight but experience attraction to guys, or take friction wherever they can find it. Generally younger guys are more open-minded than they used to be, even if they have no same-gender attraction at all, but some may not be as willing to express that in a group as one-on-one.

Also with regards to some posts requiring approval, I think some discussion threads are set up with tighter controls than others. Topics that are more sensitive or prone to get heated may require filters until you've made 50 posts, whilst posts about trivial things are more open.

[wayward]

Honey, consider throwing your stereotypes in the trash bin, it doesn't really do anyone any good. I hope you can learn to be happy and comfortable with your attractions and orientation. Don't expect things to fit in a box, because it is better not to have expectations and let things roll. There are plenty of people out there who discover themselves in unexpected ways. Yes it is scary: maybe a little, maybe a lot... but do yourself the favor of loving yourself and loving who you're with. If this sounds cliché and unhelpful I'm sorry, I hope it isn't.

After reading more it seems you are handling things as healthy as you can so far, so congratulations. Do shit when you're ready to do it. Let things take their natural course, and if things go to hell, you have a community here to support you. That being said I have a good feeling you're gonna be able to handle what's ahead of you.