Confused about myself

[estudantet]

Hello, I'm new to this.

I'm 22yo, from Brazil, gay, in the closet. I denied being gay for awhile, till I was 18 or so. I would tell myself I felt attracted to guys, but I loved girls, things like that, or that I was just curious.

I never really date, since I'm not out and I have only been with one guy in my life (only person I've ever kissed too, at age 20). After sex, I would feel very emotional, in a bad way and cry sometimes, I'd feel depressed, guilty, dirty. And never really understood why. I'm quite shy, and I never talk about sex in "real life", to my friends and such.

Awhile ago I started to go to online gay chats, just to chat, at first. It did happen though, that I ended up talking about sex and camming and having "cybersex with people". At times, same thing would happen, after it was over I'd feel guilty, dirty and I'd cry sometimes.

Also, a few times I have acted different than I would normally act, just to try to get something sexual from someone, or because the conversation drifted to that subject, and I felt bad about that, cause it's not me. Most of my online friendship, while they are not many, ended up being mostly about sex. I don't want to be a person who thinks with my cock, but I also want to feel free about my sexuality at the same time, cause I feel like doing things and experiencing. I came to a place where often I don't like having sexual drive... cause I know i will feel regret after I'm done, it's like I'm not myself.

Probably, I am not expressing myself well. It's like I have 2 identities, my "normal" self. Which is how I act when I'm with friends and my "online/gay" self. In my life I'm very shy, and I'm the kind of person who always follow the rules and such, I never talk about sex or even swear for that matter. So, when i'm having any sort of sexual experience online, I feel bad cause I think people might think I'm dirty and "unwhorty", even though I don't think that about other people who do the same things. Also I tend to get very insecure, asking if the person actually likes me and I get needy, while talking online with other gay guys...

Sorry for the long post, not sure if I explained it well. I think discovering sexuality and all that is being overwhelming and I'm still not sure if one day I will be able to come out and have that in real life, and it makes me sad. And I don't even know how to meet someone in real life and I don't want to be needy and insecure as I get when I do stuff online.

I'd love any advice anyone could give me after reading that, cause I'm quite confused about myself and about my life. Thank you in advance

[Camfer]

I think finding yourself a gay friend will help you have someone to talk to and someone who will get to know you better. You are in a reasonably large enough city that it should be easy to find some gay people around. Having gay people in your real life will help integrate the two identities you have set up. Then the whole you can emerge.

[MikeW]

We gay guys sure know how to get our heads all tied up in knots, don't we?!

[MENTION=22208]estudantet[/MENTION] First of all, welcome to the forum. I hope you'll continue to participate.

There are different levels to what you're asking about. PART of it is as simple as brain chemistry. Seriously! When we're feeling sexy or turned on, there are certain chemicals in our brain. BUT as soon as we have an orgasm, the chemicals shift and THAT is when we can be hit with doubt, fear, guilt, shame and etc.

IOW, it is as simple as that.

But, of course, we humans being humans, it isn't quite *that* simple.

I'm of the opinion that society in general is VERY screwed up about sex, period. I mean sex is used to sell everything from automobiles to under arm deodorant. On the other hand, it is worshiped as this ideal thing between a married man and woman. On yet another hand, it is something sordid and dirty, something to be ashamed of and hidden. On the other hand, pornography is a huge international business (often closely related with organized crime syndicates and worse)… I could go on and on but my point is that SEX is something none of us can think clearly about. We have all kinds of feelings about it that are shaped by our experience, by our family, by our religion (if any), and so on.

So… Now add into this GAY sex and, oh boy… who the hell can sort it out?

This is why we say things like "just be yourself"… as if that really explained anything -- as if we really know who and what we are. Do we??

Well, yes and no, right? We sort of do but we also sort of don't. It depends on a lot of things … like how experienced we are in life, how many different situations we've gotten ourselves into and out of (safely, hopefully) and so on.

What I'm going to suggest is something that was suggested to me by another forum member: LIfe IS complicated. Things are NOT exactly simple. Or, they're as simple or as complicated as we make them.

We do not HAVE to have all the answers or know exactly what is "right" or "wrong" in any given situation. We just need to be willing to be open to learning about ourselves and other people -- learning what works for us and what doesn't.

Right now you are not ready to come out. Fine! That's where you are. Now, over time, that may change. Maybe you'll get the courage to go to a bar or some other social situation IRL where there are other gay people. Then you'll see, there are ALL KINDS of gay people. We have some things in common but we can also be VERY different. Now, within this, you find your OWN place, your OWN style, your own WAY of being yourself as a gay man.

Then you interact and you find out what works for you and what doesn't, who you like and who you don't, what you want and what you don't.

It takes time. It isn't always clean and easy (sometimes it is messy and difficult as hell). That's life. I mean it, that is life for EVERYONE, not just gay guys. That is the way it is.

The real question is, how do we deal with it? That's just it… we can't say exactly because HOW we deal with life is about our character, who we really are.

So far as I can tell from what you've written, you're fine. You're a good human being finding your way in a confusing and weird world. WELCOME!

[jimcrackcorn]

Your feeling guilt & shame after having gay sex.......

First thought that comes to mind,,, is your from a very religious background which taught you that gay sex is an abomination,,,, and/or,,,,, you feel being gay is a bad thing because you grew up around people who taught you that being gay is the wrong way to be.

These feelings of guilt and shame (feeling dirty) are coming from somewhere and have affected you in a negative way. You need to understand and accept your sexuality as being part of who you are, it is not something you chose to be, and it is not something you should feel ashamed of.

Until you get rid of these feelings of guilt and shame, you will never feel comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. I would suggest you get a good therapist who has experience dealing with gay issues,, and let him/her help you to resolve these feelings of guilt and shame.

Sincerely,
Jim

[TwisttheLeaf]

Okay so yeah, what MikeW says about brain chemistry, sex and guilt is on the mark.

But, I think you need to look at yourself. At who you -want- to be. Not what others want you to be but what YOU want you to be, yeah?

Then you need to follow that, both online and offline. Nothing wrong with sexual urges and satisfying them, as long as you're being yourself, and honest with yourself, while doing it. Maybe it turns out that the "real you" is someone that's a blend of both your online and ofline personalities, yeah? You need to find whatever it is that you want to be... no matter where you are.

[estudantet]

First of all, thank you guys for the words! I'm feeling quite lost in everything, so it'is reassuring to have support.

I know I shouldnt, but I'm afraid of what people will think of me. That's one of the reasons why I don't come out. And also that's why ( I think ) I'm so insecure and kind of needy, looking for other people's approval. I know that's not how we're supposed to behave, but it's hard to change the way we feel. I have considered therapy, but I'm afraid of that too for some reason.

I do have a gay friend, but I'm not even able to talk to him about it, I'm just too shy and not really good at expressing myself. God, I sound like a real coward.

It's just really hard to break from these chains I guess. And what Mike said is right, it's really hard to know who we are, and it's also hard to know who we want to be. When I'm aroused, I get a bit blind to certain things... and then I ended up not liking my behaviour... I'm very selfconcious.

And since I only talk to other gay guys online, it's almost like I have a double life... I just don't want it to get out of hand. And if I ever come out, I don't want to be one of thsoe people who change completely. But maybe reconstructing myself is necessary, I don't really know. I feel like I'm having my teenage confusion now, after my 20s.

Thank you guys so much for supporting me, I wasn't really expecting everyone to be so nice It's really refreshing and different from other websites .

Thanks a lot

[MikeW]

It's just really hard to break from these chains I guess. And what Mike said is right, it's really hard to know who we are, and it's also hard to know who we want to be. When I'm aroused, I get a bit blind to certain things... and then I ended up not liking my behaviour... I'm very selfconcious.

And since I only talk to other gay guys online, it's almost like I have a double life... I just don't want it to get out of hand. And if I ever come out, I don't want to be one of thsoe people who change completely. But maybe reconstructing myself is necessary, I don't really know. I feel like I'm having my teenage confusion now, after my 20s.

Well, that's right.

If you were a straight boy you'd never even think about your "sexuality" as such. You might (or might not) feel some shame about getting horny and wanking off to girls with big tits. At a certain age (14isn?) you'd be all about trying to figure out how it worked and what you could do to get some girl to give you a hand job (or whatever). You might even start having your first crush on the older girl in school with the big boobs. As you got older, you'd learn all the tricks other boys pass on to one another about who puts out, how, when and were. And, of course, you'd know that at some point all this fooling around would have to come to an end (more or less, wink, wink) when you settle down, get married, and start raising a family.

The point I'm making here is that for you, Mr. Straight Boy, all this would be totally apart of acceptable growing up. Short of getting a girl pregnant, or something equally serious, no mater how horny you were, you could basically do no wrong so far as society is concerned. Everybody expects boys to be boys and to be horny ones at that. And, for sure, you'd be pretty much clueless about sex as an expression of genuine intimacy and love.

But, the thing is, you could openly express your sexual interest in any girl you thought was hot to other people around you and no one would think anything about it. In fact, its expected and more likely to get unwanted attention if you don't!

For (most of) us gay guys, this is all WAY different. We may ACT OUT some of that just so people don't think we're queer, cock-sucking faggots. But we don't get to hang out with our peers and say, "Wow, look at the size of Jorge's package! Damn, I bet his hot balls are sweet!" or "Oh shit, Roberto has one hot ass! I'm gona tap me some of that…" (I do think locker room talk would be SO MUCH MORE FUN if gay guys could talk like that, LOL!!!!) Moreover, even if we think Roberto is hot, even if we have a crush on him and his sexy smile, we don't get to ask him out on a date, or go with him to a dance with all our other friends… so on and so forth.

So, yeah, all this is kind of crazy making, right? Pretending to be one thing while actually being another?

In stead of us feeling COMFORTABLE with our sexuality -- so comfortable we mostly never even think about it -- we hold all this stuff inside like some deep, dark, dangerous secret, scared shitless that someone might find out the truth.

Is it any wonder we end up a bit screwed up in the head?

Seriously … I don't think so.

I want EVERY GAY GUY reading this to give himself a break. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Yeah, for sure, we can all learn to be better human beings -- but what I'm saying is, that we get horny and want to get off with one another is not only NOT a bad thing, it is a GOOD thing. A healthy thing. It's as right and natural as rain.

Of course there is more to it… But lets start with the basics, shall we? SHAME SHOULD HAVE NO PLACE IN OUR SEX LIVES. Our sex lives should be based on pleasure, fun, joy -- getting and receiving and sharing -- and, of course, ultimately, *intimacy, closeness, companionship, and love.* But, even short of that, there's nothing wrong with just having a damn good time. Just play safe -- there are BUGS out there you don't want. And don't get SO hooked on sex you neglect the other important aspects of your life. Other than that, I say, just relax and enjoy it. Have a good time. LEARN… and doing so in your 20s is THE time to do it if you can.

As for coming out and all that -- here's the trick: The more comfortable you feel with yourself and your sexuality, the more you'll begin to simply *be* out -- and the more most other people will just accept it as well.

[Cuddly]

I felt dirty too. The guilty dirty feeling stopped, although I'm not sure who or what event made it stop.

Everybody has sex and sexual desires. They don't make you dirty and you're not committing a crime, so don't feel guilty.

As for coming out, are you financially independant? Do you have siblings? There's a risk that you'll lose friends or family, by coming out, but there's also a fair chance that everybody will love you just the same.