Feel quite disheartened (but trying to move on)

[Anonymous]

Hello people,

I'm studying my degree in university currently. Actually I am supposed to graduate in 3 years. However, I did quite badly and failed some modules (due to some anxiety issues affecting my performance). So, now I have to extend to 4 1/2 years to complete my degree.

I actually feel quite sad because my degree is my only hope that will bring me the freedom and desired life that I want. I'm living in a homophobic country and I am depending on my degree so that I can find a job overseas (a gay friendly country) and settle down there. And eventually start dating and find my soul-mate and start a family with him.

At times, I am apprehensive whether I can cope with the modules and graduate with a degree. I'm not really a smart person and I always get just passes for most of my modules. There was this module which I failed twice and I was really disappointed. However, this time I managed to pass that module (though its the 3rd time). So this means I still have hope right? But this seems to be a very tough journey for me.

I'm not that young anymore and I will be 28 by the time I graduate with a degree. And by the time I find a job and settle overseas, I'll probably be 30 years old. Sometimes, my age also seems to be a de-motivation for me.

Another thing which upsets me is that most students from my batch are going to graduate in mid 2015. However, I can only graduate at the end of 2016.

Also, I have some lecturers who kept asking me to consider dropping out because I "don't cope well with studies." and they also said "Do you think you can really graduate with a degree?" Their harsh words are really hurting and terrible.

I have made a deal with my close buddy that we both will do well in our studies, settle in another country and live our desired lives. I am reminding myself about this every day and it serves as a motivation for me to study hard.

My school term reopens this coming Monday. I'm looking forward with hope that I will study well and do better for my modules.

Wish me luck guys!

[ck86]

Hey

It can be demotivating when things take longer than expected. I get that.

I think you have a positive attitude so far about things and seem to have positive hope. That's important. The other thing that is important as well is to set short term achievable goals whilst having a long term plan in place. There's nothing more demotivating that to set an unattainable goal.

The theory that most people use is SMART



Make sure you set things that are measurable like getting the grades you need mid semester etc and celebrate the successes too.

I think too many guys focus on getting into a relationship as a primary goal. You might think its easy for me to say as I'm happily settled down but I've come across a rocky road to get here and it wasn't until I got my own independence that I managed to explore my sexuality a bit. I always think that the best relationships happen when you aren't expecting it to and take you by surprise.

Focus on the things that you can control and achieve. The rest will eventually fall into place. There's plenty of single gays that I know in this mostly non-homophobic country who are still single well into their 30/40/50s. Relationships are not the be all and end all. The important thing is being happy and content. If you but yourself into too much pressure at moving abroad with the view of settling down I think you are setting yourself into a path for disappointment.

Remember SMART goals!

Good luck and feel free to chat back on here!!!

[Hardheaded1]

I won't wish you luck, as education and degrees are really not about that. They are about work and results. Instead, I'll wish you success.

Whereas, I want to be encouraging, there is also the need to be encouraging for you to do the attainable. My older brother once told me in his 40's that he might go to school to become an engineer, and I almost sprayed coffee all over the kitchen. He has not shown any capacity to internalize complex concepts, ever, much less higher math. Can his life change in new ways and give him great opportunities? Yes, but that doesn't mean he can just wish it into being in defiance of every reality that stands in his way.

Of course you need to believe in yourself. You seem to have that, perhaps to a degree that is a detriment. Hold on to that bit, and we can return to what I mean.

You also are a bit cagey about your world. You give generalities, if anything at all, omitting your continent, country, discipline, and almost every single detail that could help anyone help you. Are you studying to become a dentist, an artist, an accountant, or a teacher? What country are you hoping to reach? What are some specific examples of your attempted courses and the mechanisms of your failure? Are you simply unable to understand the curriculum, unwilling to do the homework and reading, or some other contributor. I know lots of people with depression and/or anxiety, but they are usually able to read and study.

How are you able to afford to stay in school for the long term?

Are you enrolled as a full-time student? If so, are you taking the minimum or the reverse, the maximum?

And why are your professors deemed harsh? Is it harshness to lay out to a 24-year-old man that college studies must be considered realistically? Your statement that you are making D's or their equivalent suggests that you hanging your hopes on this degree would lead to you graduating with a degree that you will barely have earned, not exactly the recipe for success in the job market when competing with those who excel.

And why is the degree the only basis for your plan to get out? There are skills and jobs that do not require degrees that can lead to wealth, and wealth always brings opportunity, including travel. That said, I cannot even proffer those vocations, as you are completely cloaked even to your nationality, which is entirely relevant as anyone tries to help you with your options.

There are seven billion humans on this planet. I promise you that you can give us some pertinent context and factors without someone tracking you down from Gayspeak tomorrow and knocking on your door.

Help us help you. Keep that bag on your head, but fill in the bit about whether you are wearing a grass skirt or eating whale blubber. It's relevant.

[Rareboy]

I once failed an engineering course in University...an essential course for my degree. This led me to effectively take a year away while working as a consultant in the field I was studying. Anxiety about this course and a horrible professor was probably the reason.

When I came back to do the course in the next year...after spending more time doing background reading and research....even with the same professor that I had previously struggled with...suddenly everything fell into place and I walked away with an 'A' grade. Sometimes you need to step back from the material or get a better grounding in the basics of the course you are taking. Sometimes you need to understand the professor's own bias in order to do well.

But I think you also need to reassess why you are getting a degree.

I get no sense that you are passionate about your field of study. It only seems to be a vehicle to getting a job and getting out.

Have you considered that perhaps you are in the wrong field of study? Perhaps your true vocation lies in a different field.

As well, I don't understand the part about not coping well with studies. Is it because you may have a reading comprehension problem? Or that you are trying to work in scientific or mathematical studies but lack the basic understanding of the concepts and principles? Each of these requires a different strategy. It may be that tutoring is in order. Or study groups.

[BlueStar]

Anonymous... I guess I'm the only one here who can feel exactly what you're going through. Meanwhile, you're lucky I'm not in a bad mood either, haha!! (just kidding)

Yes, graduating at 28 isn't that young, but it's never too late for a new beginning. One important key to achieve success, in education as in career, demands pure focus all for itself. So first things first, you have to build a sturdy stubborn solid unbreakable wall between your studies and your anxiety problems. If you have trouble studying because you feel lonely, then you must not depend on exterior factors (conditions) or other students to help you. It will turn out well, because knowing to work on projects alone successfully is a win-win. If you have trouble because of other students/teachers behavior, ignore them by working with more serious people, those who won't waste your time or count on you for everything... then steal your job.

Another alternative, if you're not getting along at all with any of these people, or if you're having social problems with them, I recommend you to change your institution or study as an exchange student in another college. It may help you relieve your stress, getting to know new people, discover how to socialize with the right students who will accept your behavior if your behavior gets homophobic people suspicious. You don't have to come out to anyone if you haven't already. Changing college might help you overcome the awkward fact that your classmates will graduate 18 months before you do. It's vital to avoid as much humiliation as you can.

Though, believe me, I know how it feels like to be a prisoner for another years in a homophobic country. I live in one, spent an awful 17 years like a dead body... or a zombie. Freedom is beautiful, precious... Freedom is life itself. If you don't live freely, then you're not alive. But you only get your freedom after years of struggle. I'm not sitting back and complaining. My situation is somehow similar to yours, with few years of difference, and I'm counting on every single high grade I get to leave the horrible hell I'm going through every second, leaving my miserable life behind and beginning a real one, as a free man, in a respectful country.

Only YOU have the power to change your destiny, and for this you have to try every option at your disposal that might push you forward, and not backward. In any case, whenever you open your book or laptop to read/study, just remember the deal you've made with your close buddy. I assume he's gay too and willing to live a normal life like you both deserve.

Last but not least, if your anxiety is getting worse and causing really more trouble, I suggest you see a therapist. You may or may not want to reveal your sexuality, depending on whether your sexuality is part of the anxiety, or not.

Now go back to your studies. I wish you both success and luck, and a more relaxing journey through your struggle. Patience on 18 more months is hard, I know, but the righteous and deserving person will prevail.

[meridannight]

graduating at the age of 28 is not so unusual as it was a couple of decades ago. at least in the western world it has actually become some sort of a trend. a lot of young adults are still in college in their late 20s or even 30s. so this isn't anything to be concerned about.

you have to focus on improving your life, and if that means getting a degree you just have to get through it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Performance anxiety when it comes to education is very common. Educators know this and should never be discouraging students who experience it from completing their education. This reaction to your anxiety is entirely their failure as an educator, not your failure as a student.

I wouldn't worry too much on the added time. It happens, and won't reflect badly on you in the future.

If your anxiety is very strong, you may want to consider looking into counseling to learn the coping tools needed to make this not such a big issue in your life (and in your grades).

[Rareboy]

Performance anxiety when it comes to education is very common. Educators know this and should never be discouraging students who experience it from completing their education. This reaction to your anxiety is entirely their failure as an educator, not your failure as a student.

I wouldn't worry too much on the added time. It happens, and won't reflect badly on you in the future.

If your anxiety is very strong, you may want to consider looking into counseling to learn the coping tools needed to make this not such a big issue in your life (and in your grades).

I should also point out that when I graduated, it was with 2 gold medals in my field. And I was 27. And I've been working in my field for 30 years. Press on regardless.

so press on regardless

[Virge]

Age and graduation?

I've never thought about my age as a bad thing in regards to my education. I'm 27 and graduate this May. In fact I've seen my age as a big asset. I've been way more mature and focused than most of my classmates for 4 years. I've also been more motivated to do well than most of them and that has made up for not being the smartest. You can be the smartest person on earth but if you are not motivated for success you will never achieve it.

And I don't agree with you when you say that your degree is your only hope for the freedom and life you want. In fact that's totally false. The freedom and life that you want depends on your conviction, determination. resourcefulness and flexibility more than any type university degree you can achieve. When I began school for my degree I had plans to go into a exciting career with much traveling. it took 18 months for that plan to begin to change. My relationship became more solid making all the traveling less appealing. I also began a small business venture for extra money that quickly overshadowed any career I could have with my degree. Now I am only finishing my education as a point of self esteem. I would not feel right if I quit before graduating even though staying in school this year prevents me from expanding my business and income as much as I could.

You would be surprised how many people there are who have degrees that have determined nothing abut their success. A law school graduate who is a restaurant owner and chef --- a man with a degree in agriculture who became an Air Force pilot and Colonel -- or me -- a geologist who owns a Bed & Breakfast for tourists.

[Anonymous]

Hey

It can be demotivating when things take longer than expected. I get that.

I think you have a positive attitude so far about things and seem to have positive hope. That's important. The other thing that is important as well is to set short term achievable goals whilst having a long term plan in place. There's nothing more demotivating that to set an unattainable goal.

The theory that most people use is SMART



Make sure you set things that are measurable like getting the grades you need mid semester etc and celebrate the successes too.

I think too many guys focus on getting into a relationship as a primary goal. You might think its easy for me to say as I'm happily settled down but I've come across a rocky road to get here and it wasn't until I got my own independence that I managed to explore my sexuality a bit. I always think that the best relationships happen when you aren't expecting it to and take you by surprise.

Focus on the things that you can control and achieve. The rest will eventually fall into place. There's plenty of single gays that I know in this mostly non-homophobic country who are still single well into their 30/40/50s. Relationships are not the be all and end all. The important thing is being happy and content. If you but yourself into too much pressure at moving abroad with the view of settling down I think you are setting yourself into a path for disappointment.

Remember SMART goals!

Good luck and feel free to chat back on here!!!

Thanks for your reply ck86.

Thanks for sharing the SMART goals model. Its really useful.

I understand that I should be focusing on getting better grades for this semester which is the next step for me to take and not focusing too much into rushing into relationship.

Thanks ck86.