Slept with mother

[Anonymous]

So I've decided to make a confession. This is something I've never told anyone. I've gone to therapy sessions and can't even bring this up there. It's too embarrassing. It's also something I forget occasionally, and maybe once every couple years it hits me that this used to happen. Tonight was that night, and for whatever reason that I can't figure out, I've decided to share it here... anonymously.

The title, btw, is a tad misleading... just so you know before you continue to read.

I am currently in my mid 20s. I was a sick child. Always in and out of hospitals, in and out of comas, life threatening disease, etc.

Because of my fragility, my mother began sleeping in my room with me. I slept on a day bed and she slept on the pull out underneath. I think it was supposed to be temporary, but it didn't end up that way. Looking back I can realize that part of the reason it continued was because my parents hated each other. My dad was not a nice guy.

Years later, I asked my mom why she didn't just leave my dad. She said she was afraid that he would be too irresponsible to keep me alive. As an adult looking back, I disagree.

My mom ended sleeping in my room until I moved out when I was 18. It's very embarrassing. It's an incredible source of shame for me. Eventually my parent's room became my dad's room, and my room became my mom's and mine.

There's also another part to this that's even worse. Around the age of 12 or so I began to wake up in the middle of the night. 2 am or so. It was a sound, and a smell. I had a computer in my room. I knew that my mom was beginning to talk to guys on the internet with a mic. I would wake up in the middle of the night hearing her talking to them, in a sexual voice, while I assume masturbating.

When it first started happening I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed. I remember crying and praying that would fall asleep. I was disgusted with her, and with myself and too embarrassed to do anything to stop it.

Like I said in the beginning I forget that this happened for years at a time. And then occasionally, for no reason, it all comes back and hits me like a truck. I want to vomit when I think about it.

I'm not sure exactly why I decided to share this, but I felt I needed to... for some reason.

Thank you for reading.

[meridannight]

well, one thing that doesn't make sense to me -- why were/are you disgusted with yourself? are you sure you're not repressing anything worse than that?

makes sense you were disgusted with your mom. makes sense you were incapable of doing anything, controlling her behavior. but why were you disgusted with yourself? and why is the memory of it still so strongly affecting you now that it's over?

you need to talk to your therapist about this. there's clearly more stuff there than what you've admitted to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't think I'm forgetting anything else. I mentioned I was disgusted with myself because that's just what I felt when I was writing it. I think the self disgust is from not stopping it somehow. It went on for years. I hated going to sleep because of it, afraid I was going to wake up in the middle of the night again.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for responding by the way.

[meridannight]

I honestly don't think I'm forgetting anything else. I mentioned I was disgusted with myself because that's just what I felt when I was writing it. I think the self disgust is from not stopping it somehow. It went on for years. I hated going to sleep because of it, afraid I was going to wake up in the middle of the night again.

no. not stopping it (your mom?) is not something to evoke disgust. that doesn't sound right to me. disgust is a very intense and a very specific reaction. not stopping what your mom did is not a reason to be disgusted with yourself. it's a reason to feel powerless, and not in control.

and people who repress things don't know they are repressing them. that's why it's called a repression.

the best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to your therapist about what happened to you. in fact, i'd say it's mandatory.

[East]

Meridan is right on all counts...and you do need to talk to a therapist about this. I have no doubt this affects you in ways you are not even aware of. It is a violation of boundaries...it needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate both of your responses and will indeed consider talking to someone about it. The whole thing is really difficult to admit, and I've always thought it would be weird to talk to a therapist about it... which is absurd, I know. It's hard to even imagine speaking out loud what I wrote. Like I said, I've never even told my closest friends about the sleeping arrangement thing. I never even wanted friends to come over to the house because of it.

What's weird is that as I get older, so many of things that in my childhood I thought was normal, really was not.

I know that this forum isn't meant as therapy really, but I do again really appreciate hearing your responses.

[Hardheaded1]

Anonymous, there has been a longstanding school of psychology that connects your sort of trauma with the expression of homosexuality. Of course, it was born at a time when homosexuality was seen as a mental disease, but that has to be gotten past to get anything useful out of all of it.

The general drift of the theory is that homosexuality is induced, a product of strong maternal domination, distance paternal relationship, and an aversion to females sexually, often born from either seeing females at a young age in an unflattering or derogatory way, or by hypersexualization of children by women. That isn't to say incest.

Of course, the recent frenzy of need to define homosexuality as a genetic condition, even though still a statistical anomaly, has weighed heavily against prior research that supported a psychological causation.

As a gay man who fits the pattern, as do you also, I have no problem in believing that homosexuality is expressed more often in males with this social and psychological experience. That doesn't negate a genetic model, but it may negate a genetic-only model.

The pattern is pretty darned common for it to be irrelevant. It may not be appropriate to describe in in terms of causation, as it may be more appropriately a correlation.

And not to wax too coldly rational, I have to consider what that says to me as a gay man in the 21st century. My learning and observation suggest to me the following:

All gay men are not created equal. Some are influenced more by different factors, including genetics.

Lesbianism is not similar to male homosexuality, but is similar in effects. Social ostracizing and violation of social taboos throw the two together, but the source and attractions seem very different.

Transgenderism isn't about sex, but gender identity, so it seems far removed from same-sex attraction.

Homosexuality isn't alterable and is innate, whether genetic, environmental, or both.

Heterosexuality may appear to be alterable because it is the status quo, and some men and women find themselves driven and dominated about it until they mature enough to know themselves. Sometimes homosexuality can be so repressed that adults find themselves fully heterosexual before they really explore their inner feelings. Basically, they were carried along on a wave of adolescents that just told them they felt teen awkwardness when they really felt repressed gay. Many more knew they were gay but actively and consciously suppressed it.

Many homosexual men erroneously believe, and too often due to messages the gay subculture promoted, that homosexuality included some inherent feminine role or aspect. As such, masculine but homosexual gay men have a greater problem self-identifying as gay. That is changing with greater awareness of what homosexuality is and social freedom.

[MikeW]

Interesting. This is something I've never fully understood, nor even thought about in a very long time, but up to about age 6 I slept in my mother's bedroom. Of course for me this was a very long time ago so what I remember about it is vague and possibly inaccurate. It was a large mid-western farm house with five bedrooms, three on the second story and two on the first. I was the the youngest of four children, there being 10, 15 and 20 years between me and my siblings. So, at the time of my birth, my parents slept in separate bedrooms downstairs and my three siblings slept upstairs. It wasn't until the two eldest siblings had married and moved out of the house that I was given my own room upstairs. As I recall it, this was something I both wanted and feared…

Of course that scenario is very different from the one you're describing where you remained in close quarters with your mother up into and basically through adolescence. At some point along the way you must have figured out that this was an 'unusual' situation and may have experienced guilt and shame (as if this was something you had any control over), not to mention fear of your peers finding out.

I would imagine this would also put a lot of pressure on your burgeoning sexuality. I know I began masturbating at a very young age (can't say exactly when but probably not long after the move to my own room). I do know that in instances when I had to sleep in close proximity to either or both of my parents (when we were traveling and sleeping in a motel room, for example), figuring out how to pleasure myself discretely was a *big deal*. So, I can't quite imagine what it would mean to have your mother sleeping near you while your teenage hormones were going bonkers!

I'm not sure I'd *assume* that feeling "disgust" or "shame" about it *necessarily* means there is more to this story than you've remembered. It's possible. Repression is dynamic (that is, something on-going). However, the feelings and emotions we experience as children may not be what we as adults would consider "logical". They likely have a 'logic' of their own.

But, for sure, this is a very deep and important "mine field" of inner experience that would be worth exploring in depth with your therapist.

[Darius]

I think your trauma comes from witnessing your mother being sexual while you are going through puberty, not before. Confusion, disgust and shame don't seem unreasonable to me. In fact, I think I would be grossed out, too. Puberty and the hormonal changes happening in your body are difficult enough without witnessing what you did.

Don't feel weird or strange and don't feel shy about sharing this with your therapist. They have heard much worse.

Good luck.