01-20-2015, 04:05 PM
It's already a while ago that posted here something, but anyway here I start again :p.
I've been with the thought lately that living as a gay really sucks. In the 3/4 years that I'm out of the closet I sometimes wonder if my coming out really changed something in my life. Often while being in the closet I was reading online and watching videos of people who where convincing others to come out. Mainly with the arguments to stop on fighting towards yourself (because it's destructive) and that on the other side you become alive when coming out. Like a totally new world opens.
I must say in the whole time that since I came out, I never felt really like a new world has opened. In some ways I feel like it was better to stay just in the closet (but still think it was the right thing to do ). In the closet, at least I had dreams how nice it would be to have a relationship with a man, to fall in love, to have sex, to be 100% yourself and feeling good in your skin.
Though in reality, it's not like you meet nice attractive men, fall in love, have nice dates, have nice sexual experiences,... Somehow I rather think men are even unattractive. Throughout the years I notice that I feel barely attracted to men, or at least to only a very small part of the population of men. It's like there are no attractive 'gay' men in Belgium. After seeing so many gay profiles I always seem to strand with people from other countries.
I often asked the question to myself: Am I not to picky? Am I looking for 'the' beauty god :p? But if I really answer honest to myself I know I have some rare taste for men (like very hairy, beardy (how longer how better), somewhat round men) and I know just looking to looks is shallow. But for me looks are a part of the attractiveness, but not everything. What makes a man attractive also is the friendlyness, the sweetness that the person sends out and the personality. Though somehow I don't feel like I come across such men and notice that those men who look interesting in my eyes aren't interested in me. In general I feel pretty ugly and notice I don't get much attraction from gays in general.
While being out, I have barely dated. Even with a lot of effort... I had some dates. And in the beginning especially with people who I even didn't feel attracted to. Why? because I just thought I need to be glad that someone likes me. Of course I noticed directly that this doesn't work. It's unfair to the other person and unfair to yourself. In the starting period of my coming out I had pretty quickly my first sexual experience. To be honest, the thought that I had is: sex sucks (and no it doesn't suck dicks). Until the day now, I had an impression of the gay world that sex doesn't exist and that such a thing is only good in porn stuff. I feel almost that gay men aren't sexual and it's seems impossible to enjoy gay sex. I know this is totally not true (at least my head says this). But in real life those people who have sex and enjoy it aren't in my life. I think that I'm a sexual person myself. I'm not the type who searches for hook ups. Though I feel often the need to be closer with a man than just having that nice connection.
After a whole time I didn't find anybody interesting to start some kind of relationship with I've begun to doubt myself. I'm the picky one... shallow... not able to love... Other people (some :p) seem to come across a nice person and really truely love them by heart. Love them even so much that they can spend there live with that person and built a strong emotional and sexual relationship with them.
Here I feel confused..., after the few dates that I had I met a guy from Switzerland. He's an amazing guy. He has a golden heart and soul. And he has something about his looks what makes him so beautiful. He became a real good friend of mine. For a while I even had a 'relationship' with him. But I felt like it was too much like a friendship releationship and not really a sexual(romantic) relationship so I ended the status 'relationship' and decided to approach it like a friendship. Here to the point of confusion: I actually like him so much that I can imagine to live with him whole my life but feel at the same time there is something missing.
Am I able to find a person where I can feel that same deep connection with and still be in a romantical situation? Somehow I'm affraid I will be one of those who will never find his true loved one.
I've been with the thought lately that living as a gay really sucks. In the 3/4 years that I'm out of the closet I sometimes wonder if my coming out really changed something in my life. Often while being in the closet I was reading online and watching videos of people who where convincing others to come out. Mainly with the arguments to stop on fighting towards yourself (because it's destructive) and that on the other side you become alive when coming out. Like a totally new world opens.
I must say in the whole time that since I came out, I never felt really like a new world has opened. In some ways I feel like it was better to stay just in the closet (but still think it was the right thing to do ). In the closet, at least I had dreams how nice it would be to have a relationship with a man, to fall in love, to have sex, to be 100% yourself and feeling good in your skin.
Though in reality, it's not like you meet nice attractive men, fall in love, have nice dates, have nice sexual experiences,... Somehow I rather think men are even unattractive. Throughout the years I notice that I feel barely attracted to men, or at least to only a very small part of the population of men. It's like there are no attractive 'gay' men in Belgium. After seeing so many gay profiles I always seem to strand with people from other countries.
I often asked the question to myself: Am I not to picky? Am I looking for 'the' beauty god :p? But if I really answer honest to myself I know I have some rare taste for men (like very hairy, beardy (how longer how better), somewhat round men) and I know just looking to looks is shallow. But for me looks are a part of the attractiveness, but not everything. What makes a man attractive also is the friendlyness, the sweetness that the person sends out and the personality. Though somehow I don't feel like I come across such men and notice that those men who look interesting in my eyes aren't interested in me. In general I feel pretty ugly and notice I don't get much attraction from gays in general.
While being out, I have barely dated. Even with a lot of effort... I had some dates. And in the beginning especially with people who I even didn't feel attracted to. Why? because I just thought I need to be glad that someone likes me. Of course I noticed directly that this doesn't work. It's unfair to the other person and unfair to yourself. In the starting period of my coming out I had pretty quickly my first sexual experience. To be honest, the thought that I had is: sex sucks (and no it doesn't suck dicks). Until the day now, I had an impression of the gay world that sex doesn't exist and that such a thing is only good in porn stuff. I feel almost that gay men aren't sexual and it's seems impossible to enjoy gay sex. I know this is totally not true (at least my head says this). But in real life those people who have sex and enjoy it aren't in my life. I think that I'm a sexual person myself. I'm not the type who searches for hook ups. Though I feel often the need to be closer with a man than just having that nice connection.
After a whole time I didn't find anybody interesting to start some kind of relationship with I've begun to doubt myself. I'm the picky one... shallow... not able to love... Other people (some :p) seem to come across a nice person and really truely love them by heart. Love them even so much that they can spend there live with that person and built a strong emotional and sexual relationship with them.
Here I feel confused..., after the few dates that I had I met a guy from Switzerland. He's an amazing guy. He has a golden heart and soul. And he has something about his looks what makes him so beautiful. He became a real good friend of mine. For a while I even had a 'relationship' with him. But I felt like it was too much like a friendship releationship and not really a sexual(romantic) relationship so I ended the status 'relationship' and decided to approach it like a friendship. Here to the point of confusion: I actually like him so much that I can imagine to live with him whole my life but feel at the same time there is something missing.
Am I able to find a person where I can feel that same deep connection with and still be in a romantical situation? Somehow I'm affraid I will be one of those who will never find his true loved one.