Getting over a love long lost

[phasmamj]

Hello to all. I'm MJ... & no, that's not short for Michael Jackson This is the first time I've ever posted anything about my sexuality online. So it's a big deal to me.

So... I was wondering if anyone has advice on getting over someone you once loved?

When I was 16, I met this guy and we became close friends. It developed into a friendship/relationship that went on for 4 years, even though he had a girlfriend the entire time.
(I have a thing for "straight" guys, which tends to be emotionally unhealthy). Trying to hold onto some decency, there were things I never did with him out of respect for his girlfriend. Even when he begged me to. That was really tough & I regretted that later. Anyway, his girlfriend finally got tired of us and threatened to out him to everyone.

To save himself, he dropped me out of his life. I was devastated. I grew depressed, gained a lot of weight & thought about suicide. I knew I was gay years before I met him, but he was the one who made me confront it head on... then he was gone. It's been 5 years since and I still think about him more than I feel I should. It's like he's in my subconscious. And it's not even love at this point. It's anger!
Maybe even a little bitterness and regret.

It's sort of left me wounded. I have always had a hard time connecting with people. After the guy dumped me, you can imagine how much it worsened. To protect myself, I put up this guard & it pushes people away. Ive had my guard up for so long, that I don't know any other way to be.
So, when there is opportunity to develop something new, I shut down & the guy gets away. Most people meet someone and move on. I haven't experienced that.

I want to be free from the thoughts of this guy. I just don't know how to move on. I've gotten advice from someone who told me I was "being immature about it & should let it go." I don't think I'm being immature. This is tampering with my love life... or lack thereof.
So, I'm turning to you all for some guidance and ideas.

[kidchameleon]

I don't think there's any one way to get over a past love, it's different for everyone. I think it's just a learning curve, we all have our way(s) to move on, it just takes a bit of time and experience to do it. Personally, I only really manage to move on entirely by moving on to someone else, at which point I tend to find it a lot easier to let go of the last mental remnants of whoever came before. It's almost definitely not the healthiest of ways to go about it, but I've yet to find a better method for myself. Some people just need to get rid of things that remind them of the person - or burn said items ritualistically in some cases. It just comes down to you and your needs at the end of the day.

I can definitely empathize with your situation however (having been there myself), and I do think that in some cases the whole "straight guy" thing can make the pain feel a little worse. I think an important thing to do is try to focus on the good and the bad - and to take the "straight" out of the equation and just think of him as a "guy". You don't want to focus entirely on the negative parts of the relationship because it'll poison the entire thing and make the anger harder to ignore, but likewise focusing on the good in lieu of the bad will most likely have the opposite effect. Your best bet, in my experience at least, is to just try to "normalize" the relationship as much as possible, so that you can eventually just look back on it as "that one"... if you know what I mean? This wasn't that complicated relationship with the straight guy, it was the relationship that was good for a while until the asshole left me, etc.

As far as letting the walls come down, that's just something that's going to take time and practice. You need to put yourself out there into situations where you would close yourself off, and just try to make a bit more of an effort not to each time. Obviously it sounds simple in text and won't be as easy in practice, but when you get yourself into that kind of "zone" you really become the only person capable of getting yourself out of it. Moving on from this guy might help, but personally I think that might be a natural step that comes once you're ready to move on... Once you manage to let someone in fully again, you'll probably realize that reaching that stage was enough to let go of the guy in your past.

Hope something I've said helps... I know it wasn't the most "focused" train of thought... and I hope you find a way to feel better soon

[MikeW]

You need to "finish" the relationship, have closure for yourself. Now, the question is, how to go about that? There are a variety of therapeutic techniques, including various forms of Gestalt, where you converse with the other and act out both parts -- for the purpose of gaining further insight and expressing difficult emotions such as rage. This pretty much needs to be done with the assistance of a therapist or peer councilor who understands the dynamics and whom you trust.

Alternately some people use various rituals where they 'exorcise' the other -- such as writing his name on pieces of paper and buying them or putting symbols of your love for him in a box and literally burying it.

Some say the best way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.

Beyond that, not sure what to suggest. I've outlived two LTRs and have had to deal with those losses but in a way *the fact that they are dead* made it easier.

[Virge]

You'd be surprised how much your story has in common with a lot of others who've come here...

The 1st love with a straight guy that ended the way they all do and the "I have a thing for "straight" guys, which tends to be emotionally unhealthy...." story.......

You aren't alone. My 1st crush was on a real cool straight guy who figured out I was gay and had the good sense to keep us friends and only friends. Had I done anything with him it would have messed up life for the past nine years and maybe longer... He's still my best friend and like a brother.

I hope you work your way out of the straight guy phase and move on to positive relationships.

[phasmamj]

Thanks y'all. Sadly, it feels better knowing I'm not the only one to have experienced a situation like this.

I have thought about burning away a journal I kept that held memories of that chapter of my life with him. I don't read it, but I have it tucked away, almost as if it were something I need to protect. I think the best thing to do is burn it "ritualisticly" as y'all have put it. It's a tiny step, but a step it is.

As for moving on to someone new... There is this guy at work who I think is into me. He can't past my station without stopping to say something every time. He is always touching me. When we work alone, he asks me all these personal questions. I answer very vaguely because I know he wants an answer to my sexuality without asking.

Funny thing is, I'm that into him. I like the attention, but he is the bragging type. Ugh!

The guy I was actually into was the one I couldn't open my mouth to. He was fired before I ever made an attempt to get to know him.

[ShiftyNJ]

Thanks y'all. Sadly, it feels better knowing I'm not the only one to have experienced a situation like this.

I have thought about burning away a journal I kept that held memories of that chapter of my life with him. I don't read it, but I have it tucked away, almost as if it were something I need to protect. I think the best thing to do is burn it "ritualisticly" as y'all have put it. It's a tiny step, but a step it is.

As for moving on to someone new... There is this guy at work who I think is into me. He can't past my station without stopping to say something every time. He is always touching me. When we work alone, he asks me all these personal questions. I answer very vaguely because I know he wants an answer to my sexuality without asking.

Funny thing is, I'm that into him. I like the attention, but he is the bragging type. Ugh!

The guy I was actually into was the one I couldn't open my mouth to. He was fired before I ever made an attempt to get to know him.

IDK. I'm really nostalgic, but I also think sometimes re-reading a journal is a good way to avoid repeating the same mistakes. YMMV.

[MikeW]

Well, I don't know if it will help any, [MENTION=22302]phasmamj[/MENTION] , but why don't you just hang around on the forum when you're bored and don't know what to dow with yourself… get to know people… share your opinion or whatever's on your mind.

Once you have 50 posts there are a few other features available.

Welcome to the forum!

[Rareboy]

A few things.

Burn the journal. Without ritual or anything else. Just burn the thing. Today. Don't look back.

Get your body and your health back. You can't lay all of this at his door. Join a gym or start going out for a walk for at least an hour each day.

Seek out a psychotherapist who can help you through the remainder of the grieving process. Fix yourself before you connect with someone else. Figure out why you gravitate toward unavailable straight guys. My own theory is that it gives an out if everything goes wrong and is actually a convenient barrier to being in a fully committed relationship with another guy.

[Borg69]

You'd think in West Palm Beach you'd be tripping over gay guys.

Go find some of them to play with and stay away from straight guys, and certainly stay away from guys in your work place.

Your ex isn't holding you back... YOU are. It's one thing to fondly remember your first 'true' love... it's another thing to be obsessed/infatuated with him to the point of debilitation.

You can't change the past... but you CAN influence your future. Go. Make a change. LIVE. Be Happy.

[phasmamj]

I know I am the one holding myself back. I never blamed him.
I have been getting back into shape. I don't have time for the gym, so my apartment has to do for now.
My attraction to straight guys has nothing to do with whether they are available or not. The guy from my original post just happened to have a girlfriend. I didn't set after him because of that. Maybe I should have said masculine... guys who act straight.Obviously they aren't straight if they're in a relationship with a guy as well. Which is why I put " " around straight in my original post. Sorry about that.