Naive vs Paranoid

[Virge]

Unless you can start learning to relax, be spontaneous and adventurous you're going to be guilty of your own failure at dating.

[MikeW]

Unless you can start learning to relax, be spontaneous and adventurous you're going to be guilty of your own failure at dating.

I'm afraid Virge may be right [MENTION=22271]Cinestry[/MENTION]. Nothing you've described so far warrants the paranoia you're voicing. So… I'm wondering what that's all about. Just inexperience with people?

Things I watch out for… Does the guy *listen* to what I'm saying, actually *hear* (as in understand and make room in his mental/emotional world) for whatever I said…

Does the guy seem trustworthy, that is, not hiding anything by being overly secretive or talking TOO much about himself, as if he's trying to impress me…

What do I *feel* intuitively about this guy?

I *have* come across a *few* psychos in my life… NEVER in a meet-up, blind-date, situation. The true psychos are pretty obvious if you know what to look for… usually they have some *weird* fetish or fixation or way of looking at things.

I don't know, not being very articulate at the moment … anyone else have advice on what to watch out for?

[Borg69]

There's usually a natural progression of events meeting someone, talking to them, realizing a mutual attraction, getting to know them, trusting them, dating them, sex... A,B,C,D,E,F...

It sounds to me like you (and others here) are jumping from A to E/F. You can't skip ahead! No cheating, and no short cuts! If he's inviting you into the woods with innuendo and you're questioning his intentions you don't know him well enough yet and need to back the hell up a few steps. Trust is earned. See him in public until he's earned your trust, and don't drink too much.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To be blunt, most of the gay guys you will meet especially at this time of your life are going to have pretty much only on thought on their mind - to have sex.

The majority see relationship as something that could possibly happen after a few rolls in the hay.

If you are looking to date first and not have sex, then you need to make that clear right from the start.

Mind this means a hella lot less dating is going to happen in your life. Once you make a statement like 'There won't be sex for the first 30 days here until we get to know one another) most of the players and 'just sex' sorts are going to head in another direction.

Personally, I don't invite anyone back to my house until I have gotten to know them a bit better in public settings. I have had enough bad experiences with people to where I trust most people as far as I can throw them. No strike that, I can still throw a person pretty far.

So this paranoia thing is actually a good thing to have. Reasonable caution is to be expected and 'normal' and even downright healthy. How many times do you meet a person before you decide they are safe?

Well that one is a hard one. Abusers can be all charming and are great actors, they can play a real charming character for many months, its not until they are sure they have you where they want you before the trap is sprung.

Common thugs and petty thieves tend to not carry the character role for long, but then more are not into expending a great deal of time and energy to get what they want.

Normal human beings (normal being a totally useless word), can range from a few meetings to years before revealing a bit of ugly.

Yes there are risks with every person you meet. you need to minimize the risks with reasonable measures, I would see nothing wrong with three dates before inviting a guy back to your place. In three dates you can pretty much get the general lay of the land with a person.

As for skinny dipping at the beach. IDK, but seems to me given the general ice-age conditions at this time of year he might have been joking.

[Cinestry]

Thanks for all the advise guys. I think I understand everything you're saying, although some people are saying the complete opposite of what the others say.
The situation has sort of changed now though.

Our first plan was to meet up on Friday night, but halfway through the day he messaged me, completely ignoring that initial plan, suggesting we'd go to the beach the day after. I didn't think much of it, it's not a bad thing to not feel like going anywhere anymore. He said we would meet up today at 4pm, which is in 10 minutes. He just texted me that he has to go see his friend who got in hospital or something and so he wants to meet up tomorrow....
Am I being a horrible person for having all these question marks in my head right now?

[Rareboy]

I think he's sensing your hesitation and is looking for a way to back out of the whole thing.

If you are coming across as anxious and paranoid with him as you are in your posts...he probably is giving up on establishing a connection.

I can't remember...are you seeing a counsellor for social anxiety?

BTW..skinny dipping or going to the beach in Scotland at this time of the year? WTF?

[LJay]

No, you are not being a horrible person. It all sounds a bit iffy, though, because things keep changing.

I agree with those above who say that you have to allow yourself to relax. I am quite a bit older than you and things were very different when I was your age but looking back I realize that my reserved upbringing and personal tension denied me a lot of experiences, and I am not just talking about sex.

Perhaps you should keep in mind that a few strategies are helpful--hang out with others around, always have an exit plan, don't overdo the drinking, avoid physically unsafe situations--but you do not need to be paranoid. Rather, just use common sense. Enjoying yourself is a good thing.

As for the skinny dipping, if the guy is a Scot, I would believe it--crazy silly, those highlanders--but I would still say, "You first." to the suggestion.

[meridannight]

BTW..skinny dipping or going to the beach in Scotland at this time of the year? WTF?

but, if you're gonna go skinny dipping in Scotland in January, it is a good call to take a guy with you who would warm you up afterwards. that's how i would do it. maybe the OP is hot enough to jump into a frozen lake for.

[Cinestry]

Hahaha it's making me laugh how obsessed everyone has become with the skinny dipping part :')

As for the scaring him off with me being anxious and paranoid, I actually started to feel more relaxed about it all. I tried to be a bit more rational and started to actually look forward to meeting up. I don't feel like I said things that could have made him feel like I was really nervous about meeting up, except for the maybe clumsy replies to his flirty comments.. So yeah I don't know what is going on, I hope he is telling me the truth, although that'd make me feel really guilty about not fully believing him.

About the counsellor for social anxiety, I have made the first steps of getting all that arranged, but there's a short waiting period. I am going to some meditation society in the meantime, as it seems to be helpful in the short term.

[Virge]

I think he's sensing your hesitation and is looking for a way to back out of the whole thing.

If you are coming across as anxious and paranoid with him as you are in your posts...he probably is giving up on establishing a connection.

I can't remember...are you seeing a counsellor for social anxiety?

Rearboy is on it. More than likely the guy has picked up on your apprehensions and discomfort and made up an excuse to slide out of the date.

And the whole concept of "dating" is worth reconsidering. Thinking it has to involve going to specific places and doing specific things can be pretty boring and unproductive. Back when I was dating the guy I was interested in our dates usually were completely or mostly unplanned and definitely were seldom "events" like you were looking forward to. We'd do things like hang out at his house having fun while doing a little housework together or even going shopping or fishing together. Lots of times we'd just hop in the car and take off riding with no idea what we were doing or when we'd stop doing it or where we were going. All of that gave us loads of time to get to know each other without having to stick to plans. We learned to play and have fun together and enjoy each other's company more and more.

You definitely need to work on the things I talked about in my first comment. Being spontaneous and easy going = a fun person to be with and date.