Marriage advice

[amn1995]

My fiancé and I, have been together for almost 2 years now. I was 15 when I met him, and he was 29. I was interested in him from day one, not love at first sight but the infatuation for him escalated very quickly. I was a shy kid so approaching him was huge thing for me, and as expected I was disappointed. He was with a girl at that time, and engaged. Long story short, we connected again after six months, this time the approach was from his side and in no time we were inseparable. He was bisexual, a revelation that came out to me and his entire family when he declared his feelings for me. We got engaged in July of 2013, when I was 17. I liked the idea of being engaged and young! Fast forward a year and a half, he has proposed/asked my hand in holy matrimony once again, (the first time last year after just turning 18). I've been delaying such advances for almost a year now. Now, I'm 19 and he's 32. He wants to settle down as soon as possible, and is thinking of marriage in August of this year. Even though he is the love of my life and brings the utmost happiness to me, I'm confused. Friends and family have been suggesting/hinting that I'm very young, have college ahead of me and things/circumstances and feelings change and evolve with time, especially if you are that young. I can't picture life without him and worry if I don't come up with a definite yes (i.e a wedding date), I might hurt his feelings and possibly even lose him because he wants kids which I also want, just not that early I suppose even though I'm great with babies. Need help you guys!!!

[Beaux]

Ok...something tells me that you aren't going to like my opinion, but you asked for it so here goes:

1) First and foremost, it is completely natural for you as a young gay person of 15 to become infatuated with an older man. However, from the man's perspective, it is anything but approaite for him to encourage you in this. By doing so, he has changed (imo) this from a normal occurrence into Grooming a Child; that is what Pedos do.

2) You are 19 years old. You are NOT ready to get married. You should be worrying about your education and learning to support yourself! Imagine for a moment that you were to go through with this marriage and become his house-husband; what skills would you be left with to support yourself once...I mean "if"... this marriage were not to work out...? Could you not imagine that you would find yourself under his thumb...?

3) This is really a continuation of #2 , but besides continuing your education or learning a trade, at 19 you should be learning more about who YOU are, where YOU fit into the world, and where YOU fit into the LGBT community as a young man! Do you notice the trend in the last sentence? I can assure you that this person who wants you to give up your freedom before you have even had the opportunity to enjoy it has certainly enjoyed HIS freedom! Why on Earth would you let him convince you that you don't deserve the same right?

4) Most importantly, if he really loved you, he would be the one telling you that, "You are young and deserve the opportunity to go out into the world, make friends, meet lovers your own age, and LIVE a little before YOU make the decision that it is time for you to settle down". The fact that he isn't telling you this is a MAJOR red flag.

I have been with my husband for a large portion of my life, and I don't regret it for a moment, but both he and I had the opportunity to go out into the world and live our lives separately before we married. That was a GOOD thing (and we only have a 6 month age difference!)!

I cannot stress enough, that should you capitulate to this man's wishes, you will NOT be happy and it will NOT last. Furthermore, you will be sacrificing some of the best years of your life in exchange for a great deal of misery further down the road.
I suggest that you visit some of the forums run by and for women who married too young. Ask their advice. I feel pretty confident that they will tell you the same thing I have and more.

Don't do it.

~Beaux

[amn1995]

Hey, thanks for writing back to me. Really appreciate it.

The things which you have listed down are pretty much all of what I've heard indirectly from family and friends. To be honest, I am a nurturer and a caretaker, I go out of my way to do things for people, and for him I have gone above and beyond. We have discussed college and he's all for it, but he wants to get a family going on, around that time. I still am or can say was a very ambitious person, the sort of that would want to peruse a PhD, and have a beaming career. He supports me on all of this, in fact he's willing to help me in my college degree as its quite expensive here in England. The argument he poses is that I can do all what I desire married to him, which I do believe. He's a kind soul, and does really love me, and has shown me on multiple occasions that I would be a idiot to let him go by. Despite the happiness we share, every night the conversation boils up to one focal point; marriage. I just don't get what's the rush with him.

I just think I wont find anyone more compatible than him, he's everything I've wanted, written neatly on paper. A sports player, attractive, masculine, muscular (OK, I'm a bit shallow) and above all posses a heart of gold. I see him, and this sudden rush of adrenaline rushes in every limb of my body, and he still continues to give me the "butterflies in the stomach". He's taken me to trips, helped me in my work/studies and yes you can say 'groomed a child'. No my parents didn't abandon me; my father has been very distant so I wouldn't lie, I have sometimes substituted him as a father figure. Disclaimer here: this is no sugar daddy relationship, and I don't take any money from him, he's paid for travel expenses once only (post engagement honey moon sort off). I am really thinking of going on with the wedding in August, if it doesn't work, I'll still be getting an education and can be self sufficient after a while. I have tried and tested him in all these years, never have I gotten the negative "vibes" from him. (living together since October now)

I think, I'll make it work, anyone else with other opinions? (Beaux, really appreciate your honest opinion)

[TwisttheLeaf]

^^^
I couldn't have said it better than [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION]

[BlueStar]

Exactly what [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] said.

I'm desperate to earn my life, you should do the same. Don't ruin it. Marriage is beautiful when the time is right, when you have truly found the man to spend your life with, aka the love of your life.

[Lexington]

Then I'll be the dissenting opinion.

You've been together for two years. And the only confusion and doubt seems to be external. You sound like you're nuts for the this guy, and it sounds like he's nuts for you. Given this, I don't see any reason not to continue on with the relationship.

Was I ready to get married at 19? Hell no. But see, I'm not you.

Lex

[Virge]

I'm going with what Beaux said and going to add my personal insight.

I was 19 when I met a guy I was crazy about. He wasn't a lot older than me but he was definitely way more mature. He made it clear we could date as friends with benefits but we were not going to be going to get into a relationship because I was not old enough to handle it. He even showed me books and even some videos about how human brains (and specially brains of males) aren't fully developed until around 25 and not fully able to make decisions based in reason. And he was right. I can look back and see how immature I was up until I was 22-23. I can see it in people 18 to 25 now even though they try hard to act more mature than they really are.







Just search "understanding the teen brain" in youtube. there's tons of videos.

If you watch a few of them and think.. "but I'm more mature than that!" you're fooling yourself.

I can tell you I thought I was mature enough for a relationship at 19... but at 22 I saw I wasn't. Just since age 24 have I been able to say I concentrate on achieving things that are so long range that I could have never dealt with them when I was under 23 and making most of my decisions and plans based in the impulses short range and superficial goals.

[meridannight]

any reason why you're not talking to your partner about this? and by talking i mean voicing everything you've told us here. relationship is not putting up a facade to the other party that you don't have any issues and trying to go around them when you do. relationship is both parties acknowledging the issues they have (you both have or will have them, i guarantee you) and talking them through. if you want to make it work that's how it goes.

talk to him and come up with a solution that you both agree with.

[Borg69]

I cringed when I read this.

I definitely see [MENTION=17788]Beau[/MENTION]'s side. I kinda see [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION]'s side.

Not knowing the exact circumstances of you two getting together I'm leaning more towards Beau's opinion. 12 years age difference isn't bad when you're in your 30-40's, but when you're in your teens???

How did he go from engaged to a female to chasing 15 year old males??? It's quite a leap by anyone's standards and throws up some pretty major red flags.

[LJay]

Virge, to be not entirely facetious, I have to say that at my age I am not sure that the brains of males are ever fully developed. Maybe that I why I like guys.

OP, you are indeed between a rock and a hard place, BUT do you have ANY idea just how much raising a child involves??? PhD goals? And children? Get real.

What raises my caution level here is that your friend does not seem to be facing the fact that even given the immediate adoption of a child [and that is not a quick process], he will be neatly into his fifties as the child matures. There is some biological timekeeping here that you both need to face.