How to deal with online 'cheating'?

[marathlone]

It's very hard for me to talk about it, even with closest friends, but I don't know what to do hence this post...

My self and my husband, James, are together for 9 years now, and married for 3. Like any relationships we had our ups and downs but the last couple of years has been amazing. We bought a house together and thought we're really happy.

He was always really into porn. That never bothered me that much. In fact more ofthen than not we'd watch porn together having sex. But recently I found out, that he has a secret twitter account. He only openeded it recently (January) but he didn't tell me about it. It's open to public and he's posting naked pictures of himself (without a face). Posing, masturbating, cuming, you name it. He was never tech savy.

I watched the account for few days and was kinda turned on by it. There was somethign sexy about it, but I found it hurtful when he replied to other guys, doing the same, with thing like "I'd s*ck that c****" etc. I decided I have to confront him about this. I decided to have a quiet, calm conversation about it and that's what I did.

We sat down with bottle of wine, I told him I found the account and what is it supposed to mean. He said that it's just porn, that it helps him build confidence. He said that before us his sex life was based on sex with different people all the time and some part of him misses that. He knows I'm not ready for 3-some or open relationship. I'm very much one-guy kinda guy. But he loves me, is in love with me, loves our life together, and love when we're having sex. Quite frankly the account itself dint bother me that much (maybe it should?). I just asked him for honesty, to tell me everything. He said fine, and he continue with in, knowing I'm follwoing that account now.

The thing is, the other day I checked his twitter direct messages. TUrns out that night before he had very intimate and erotic conversation with some random twitter guy, including explicit pictures. Cyber sex if you ask me. I haven't spoken to him about this yet, I know what he's going to say, "it's just porn". But I'm not happy with that. I was going to leave it for now to see how it develops, but just last night I decided to check his facebook messages. TUrns out that he sent link to his secret twitter account to his ex (not as much ex, as short term sex partner). Now this is just a little too much for me. I feel not only that I'm not ok with that, but I feel ashamed, it's like someone created twitter account saying "my husband can't satisfy me" and shared it with exes. I feel ashamed and humiliated.

Now I also realised that he created more accounts - tumblr, snapchat and kik. I never even heard about the last one and he never told me about these accounts.

The whole situation really upsets me. On the begining it was fine, in fact we had much more sex. I thought it was great, but now I feel like i'm having sex with him purely to take him away from looking for it online. Not that he stops him - he's happy to masturbate in the mornings (when I'm not home), late evenings (when he's back from work and I'm asleep) everyday.

I strongly feel James is porn and/or sex addict. But I can't do anything about it, even if I mention it he'll just shot off. I myself am very unhappy. COntantly thinking what he's doing now. If he's looking at hot guys online. I'm checking his twitter feed constantly to see if he posted something or retweeted. I think i'm getting paranoid as well. I thought I can do this but I don't think I can, but on the other hand I don't think what more I can do. WHat can I say to him. I'm tired of having the same conversation again, but then I don't want to give him an ultimatum - I don't think that ever works...

I'm hoping maybe one of readers here is more like my James and can tell me little bit more about his side of this.

Thanks in advance all ,

Martin x

[Cuddly]

Ouch. It's understandable that other meat is tempting and it is a confidence booster, to be adored.
My partner made it crystal clear from the beginning, monogamy or nothing. I love him and our life together and I'd never hurt our relationship or him, by cheating.

Porn is something you look at. Interacting with cocks online is not porn, in my opinion. That's where I draw the line and it seems that you do too.
He should respect you enough, that if you tell him this he will delete the accounts and stick with you and porn.

[Darius]

Hi Martin. What caused you to suddenly start spying on him? That's not right of you to do, but you must have been mistrusting him, right? Have your suspicions been going on for 9 years?

[marathlone]

Hi Martin. What caused you to suddenly start spying on him? That's not right of you to do, but you must have been mistrusting him, right? Have your suspicions been going on for 9 years?

Hi Darius, thanks for reply.

Not at all, we did have our problems and breach of trust (on both ends...) back in 2008, but since we learned to trust each other again.

However early in January something just didn't feel right, I noticed that James became somehow more protective of his phone. After years together I somehow managed to picked up on that however subtle it was. Sure enough I was right.

It didn't take much spying either - he left his messenger open to one of his fb friends with link to a twitter account. Twitter account I didn't recognize.

Now my trust is shaken. That's how I discovered the explicit private chats and existence of other social network services. I don't want to be like this at all. But I can't just go on pretending everything is ok.

[marathlone]

He should respect you enough, that if you tell him this he will delete the accounts and stick with you and porn.

Thanks Cuddly. My problem is that I'm not sure I've right to demand that. Relationship is about compromises. Middle ground. And I'm not sure if it's ok what he's doing, and I'm just trying to justify him to myself, or is it really ok and I'm just trying to force myself into this perfect-picture-no-one-else-in-the-world loving relationship from rom coms...

I'm very lost.

[Cinestry]

Thanks Cuddly. My problem is that I'm not sure I've right to demand that. Relationship is about compromises. Middle ground. And I'm not sure if it's ok what he's doing, and I'm just trying to justify him to myself, or is it really ok and I'm just trying to force myself into this perfect-picture-no-one-else-in-the-world loving relationship from rom coms...

You say yourself that relationships are about compromises, but those shouldn't come from you only. In my opinion compromising is good, but not if it leaves you unhappy.
I don't think you should try to justify his behaviour if it really bothers you as much and I agree with what has been said about him having to show respect to you and your feelings.

[ShiftyNJ]

Well if you are honestly discussing boundaries together and agreeing that's compromise. It sounds here like he's unilaterally deciding what is okay for him to do, and only addressing individual activities with you when you discover them on your own.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm not like James, but I am familiar with kink and how the whole psychology of needing something 'extra' to make sex run hotter.

One of the problems with the modern world is that the internet sits in the comfort and privacy of our homes and we are not looking at real people. We are seeing images on TV screen, or just words on a screen. Most people do not make the same connection with the persona on screen as they would with a person face to face.

The other aspect here is that your Husband is used to viewing porn (sheer fantasy) on a screen. Thus this involvement with porn (making his own) and then talking to words on a screen is just a broader expression of 'just porn'.

There is a darker aspect here, and that is porn addiction. Since sex causes chemical changes in the brain namely causing the pleasure centers to light up and produce pleasure chemicals in the brain, porn is now being considered as a 'chemical addiction'.

As with any chemical addiction, there is a build up of tolerance, a need for more of the drug in order to get the same high. With porn addiction there is usually steps that the addict goes through, each step is wilder, hotter, or more erotic. It takes more 'bang' for the pleasure centers to light up and produce sufficient chemical to satisfy the need.

There is the underground of straight guys using gay porn in order to get their fix, for your partner he may be needing to be in the porn itself in order to get his fix.

Another aspect here is that you two have been together 9 years. I hate to tell you this but most relationships end up having far less sex the more years attached to the relationship. Unless the couple actively work together to do things to spice things up in the bedroom.

I am willing to bet there are a lot of minor resentments and other issues in your relationship and this sex thing has become a symbol for much more than just sex. His contacting the ex-sex partner is most likely not wholly and completely about sex, but about a plethora of other minor slights and grievances which have slowly added up over the near decade you two have been together.

I'm also willing to bet that you have your 'behaviors' that annoy the crap out of him where you blow off your steam over similar 'little shit' which most people discount as being 'a problem' but in most relationships is the underlying problem that is ripping it apart.


Demands over Compromise:

This is a hard one to know where compromise becomes demands, and where demands becomes a compromise.

You both are at odds over some basic tenets of your relationship, he wants to open it up, you want strict monogamy. Want may not be the real deal, it may be 'need' - there is differences between 'want' and 'need'.

Now I threw out porn addiction as a possibility. I am not diagnosing him, that would be up to a trained professional. However I will admit that chances are pretty high that porn addiction is working in this and needs to be addressed by a professional.

Then there is the difference in opinion what "cheating" means. A lot of guys do not view sex-texting and chatrooms and other similar virtual world interactions as 'cheating', they draw the line at say real physical contact. Thus in his mind 'its just porn' may be what he really thinks it is.

He is not connecting a real person to person interaction, this is just virtual, its not real, thus not cheating its a fantasy, a story, a play of entertainment not 'real'.

But then until the age of the internet, cheating was a physical act that was performed face to face. So for the last 250,000 years humanity connected real face to face interactions with things like cheating, today we have new methods of communicating which have no correlation to those 250,000 years of development and evolution.

You two need to reach a realistic agreement on basic definitions of terms here, which may require an impartial third party for you two to write your own dictionary of terms.

I do not know the general health of your relationship beyond the issue you brought forward. I do, however, know that behavioral issues usually stem from unrelated stresses and pressures. EXAMPLE: Few alcoholics drink to excess because there is alcohol, they drink in excess because alcohol diminishes pain, suffering, stress, and other issues from other areas of their life. This same holds true with porn and porn addiction. Its an escape from other issues.


Since you are married, invested 9 years here it is a reasonable request to seek outside professional help - a marriage counselor. I don't know what Ireland is like in this area, but Google does give me all of these sites: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=lgb...Ireland%29

Understand that therapy may not help. In fact you two may discover that the relationship is actually over and its just time to part company.

However, if you two are sincere about reaching a working relationship, having a third party to guide you two toward real compromise can work wonders.

I would strongly suggest you do not bring up 'porn addiction' to him. Asking him will immediately put him on the defensive and he will deny.

But do research the topic a little and compare his other behaviors to what you read. Leave it to a professional to diagnose him (if he is an addict).

[CellarDweller]

Porn is something you look at. Interacting with cocks online is not porn, in my opinion. That's where I draw the line and it seems that you do too.

this sums it up for me. There's an interaction with another living person, that isn't porn. it's something more.

[MikeW]

This is complicated, [MENTION=22360]marathlone[/MENTION] . In general I agree with [MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] . From the way you describe it, your husband IS a porn/online sex addict. Now, the question is, ok, so… can you live with that? For sure he won't change unless he *wants to* for his own reasons and even then it might be a real struggle. So, I agree, making an ultimatum in and of itself isn't going to change him. So, you have to decide, is this something you can or even want to deal with in your relationship? Do you love him enough (and he you) to get over whatever misgivings or feelings you have about it? I would ask, to what extent (if any) would you want to *participate* in it *with* him -- as another form of bonding for you both?

The thing to keep in mind here is that WE set the boundaries of our relationships, what is acceptable and not acceptable TO US. It has little to nothing to do with what some fictitious "others" may think about it. It has to do with our own comfort levels, what we can and can't live with. So, that's what you have to look at for yourself and decide… is this just a kind of kink that isn't doing any harm or, on the contrary, is this a violation of your trust and, so, a wounding within the relationship, perhaps a symptom of some deeper dysfunction?

A lot to think about!