how can an introvert meet guys

[Pascal]

Welcome to the forum, Pascal, I'm glad you joined us. You have a very interesting background. So, the real question is, how can we help you? Just keep talking with us… perhaps we can give you some guidance on how to develop "gaydar". For sure many of us have had crushes on straight guys at one time or another. However, that won't get you what you say you want. It's best to save your attention for someone who can not only accept you for who you are, but love you for it. Understand?

I don't really know how or what kind of help I'm looking for. Sometimes I feel like that because I was raised in a total German background. I couldn't fit in very well in North America. I was raised here in Vancouver but because my community and church and friend are all german background. This is how I felt. To be more specific, I feel like there are lots of guys in my age are up for hook ups here. Not saying everyone is. I don't think I'm that lucky.
My family is a mess. My Opa recently passed away and my Oma is have chemo. My parents wish that I was never born regardless the fact that I'm gay because they don't know yet. Although once my dad said you are 21 and you are still single and never dated anyone. Please don't tell me there is something wrong with you. By wrong he later clarified as being gay or something else. He said if you are then you better go kill yourself because otherwise you are dragging other people down and pulling other people's leg. I asked how so, he said, well, you know, just together and what not.
Also you might wanna know that that wasn't the first time my parents ask me to go suicide or they say go kill yourself. When they fight, they wanna divorce, they would bring the matter on to me. He likes girls, he always wanted daughters instead of sons. He did got two. They are his princess. Some people might argue say they are just fighting, they don't mean it. Then I tell you, my dead once tried to push me off the apartment building when we visited China. Or he would bring a knife out from the kitchen and ask me to you know. My mom, interestingly, only dislikes me. Because I'm the more asian looking one in the family so somehow maybe I reminded her of my dad or some sort. She made a calendar for my Oma this year, everyone's birthday was on there except mine. I asked her, she said so what? She also said when my Oma pass away, she would sell the house I grew up in and get another one where my sisters can go live with her and I have to find a place myself simply because I'm old enough.
Enough said, I don't wanna sound very negative. Sometimes I do wish or believe like the love story would just happen like in the movie where everything just happen itself. I would run into this person and I know he is the one.
Anyway, thanks for your respond.

[otters]

You are obviously the scapegoat of the family, Pascal. Ever thought about taking to your heels?

[Borg69]

I don't really know how or what kind of help I'm looking for. Sometimes I feel like that because I was raised in a total German background. I couldn't fit in very well in North America. I was raised here in Vancouver but because my community and church and friend are all german background. This is how I felt. To be more specific, I feel like there are lots of guys in my age are up for hook ups here. Not saying everyone is. I don't think I'm that lucky.
My family is a mess. My Opa recently passed away and my Oma is have chemo. My parents wish that I was never born regardless the fact that I'm gay because they don't know yet. Although once my dad said you are 21 and you are still single and never dated anyone. Please don't tell me there is something wrong with you. By wrong he later clarified as being gay or something else. He said if you are then you better go kill yourself because otherwise you are dragging other people down and pulling other people's leg. I asked how so, he said, well, you know, just together and what not.
Also you might wanna know that that wasn't the first time my parents ask me to go suicide or they say go kill yourself. When they fight, they wanna divorce, they would bring the matter on to me. He likes girls, he always wanted daughters instead of sons. He did got two. They are his princess. Some people might argue say they are just fighting, they don't mean it. Then I tell you, my dead once tried to push me off the apartment building when we visited China. Or he would bring a knife out from the kitchen and ask me to you know. My mom, interestingly, only dislikes me. Because I'm the more asian looking one in the family so somehow maybe I reminded her of my dad or some sort. She made a calendar for my Oma this year, everyone's birthday was on there except mine. I asked her, she said so what? She also said when my Oma pass away, she would sell the house I grew up in and get another one where my sisters can go live with her and I have to find a place myself simply because I'm old enough.
Enough said, I don't wanna sound very negative. Sometimes I do wish or believe like the love story would just happen like in the movie where everything just happen itself. I would run into this person and I know he is the one.
Anyway, thanks for your respond.

Life's not fair... It's pretty obvious you had horrible heinous parents. The bright side is, you're not bound to them just because you share some genetic material. You're free to walk away from a bad situation and make your life whatever you want it to be from here on out. Make friends. Find a boyfriend whom loves you. Create the surrogate family you always wanted and discard those whom have treated you poorly.

Staying and trying to get them to accept you how you want them to is just going to cause you more torment and misery. There's a saying in the US... "Don't beat a dead horse". Happiness IS out there waiting for you... you have to go find and make it for yourself. You're never going to find it where you are now in your current situation.

[Lexington]

Family is as family does. And I don't see much family here. They gave you the DNA but not the support and encouragement. I think they do have a point - it IS time for you to get the hell out of there, and start living on your own. Start building up a stable of supportive friends and co-workers - they can be your family when you need one.

Lex

[MikeW]

I don't really know how or what kind of help I'm looking for. ….My family is a mess.

Yes it is. My family was dysfunctional but not as bad as this! I'm very sorry you're having to deal with all this. What your parents have said to you is shameful!

From what you say, your parents are very disturbed and toxic people and you should get away from them as soon as you can. Far away. *Then* perhaps you can get into the business of getting them out of your head. That (in my experience) may not be as easy as getting away geographically. It may take years… What I'm saying may not make sense to you now but as you grow older, perhaps it will. I needed several years of therapy to begin to undo a lot of the damage they had caused me.

It is true that many guys your age just want to hook up. Personally, I feel that is "sort of" what guys your age "should" be doing. I don't want to make this some hard and fast rule. People do differ a lot. But, just because you are 21, does not mean you have fully matured (most of the guys you meet will not have, either). That may not happen for several more years. During this time you need to be exploring yourself and your ability to *have* relationships. You need to learn how other men think and feel, what turns them on and what doesn't. You need to learn about sex, what you like and don't, how to give and receive pleasure. Since our culture doesn't have REAL hands-on "sex education" -- how else are you going to learn? You want to do that inside a relationship?? Recipe for disaster.

Real relationships are not the fairytale "movie" script: They met, they fell in love, they lived happily ever after. Think about it. What do traditional marriage vows say? "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." Makes it clear that it is to be *expected* that difficulties will occur; better/worse; richer/poorer; sickness/health; and ultimately death. All this and much more happens in any life -- and any real relationship.

To have what you say you want you have to begin with where you are right now. Are you truly *ready* for a relationship? Sure you desire one, want one, and understandably so. But it isn't that simple. You have to begin by becoming independent from your parents financially, emotionally, intellectually and psychologically. You have to become the kind of man you would want to be in a relationship with. That is, a man mature enough to live on his own, someone who knows that happiness in life is not dependent on someone else. For sure, it is nice to include someone in your life and for them to include you… but you *need* a life, something you can share, something you bring to the table.

Keep talking with us. Doesn't always have to be about your problems… just "hang out", read threads, chime in with your 2¢ or whatever. Make friends. Get your post count up to 50 so you can do private IMs. Learn to enjoy yourself and give yourself room and time to heal and grow.

[otters]

Get your post count up to 50 so you can do private IMs.

I thought 10?

[Lexington]

It is true that many guys your age just want to hook up. Personally, I feel that is "sort of" what guys your age "should" be doing. I don't want to make this some hard and fast rule. People do differ a lot. But, just because you are 21, does not mean you have fully matured (most of the guys you meet will not have, either).

Mike's post reminded me to say this.

Considering the upbringing you've laid out for us, it's not at all surprising that you're looking for a "stable relationship", seeing as how it's something that's eluded you even in your family life. And that's something you're probably going to need to be very cognizant of. It's going to be very easy to view any potential relationship as "filling the void in your life and psyche" - which means you not only will be easy prey for guys looking to take advantage, but you may misinterpret even well-meaning overtures from guys who are simply "looking to date a bit, see what happens". I've seen guys in your type of situation latch onto such casual daters like a drowning man to a life preserver...which in turn leads the guy to think "Woah, this guy is too clingy and wants way more than I'm interested in".

So even if you don't go through therapy, do keep this foremost in mind. A boyfriend will not be able to "save" you. An ideal relationship isn't two incomplete halves forming a whole. It's synergistic - two otherwise-still-complete individuals help each other to become even better.

I thought 10?

I think certain aspects kick in at ten, and I think private messaging is one of them. (I recall getting private messages before I hit 50.) Other ones kick in at 50, and those ones are even cooler.

Lex

[Pascal]

Weel, thank you guys very much for all the messages. At this moment in Vancouver, I wouldn't say I could totally be independent from my parents because the tuition for school and living in Vancouver is insanely expensive. More importantly, I couldn't possibly leave my Oma. She loves me very much and now my Opa is not here anymore. I guess I just try to be there for her. My personality is those kind of you know, hospitable. Trying to be nice with everyone no matter what that've done.
As for relationships and hook ups. Em, even if I'm willing to try, there isn't that many people who's interested. It is very hard to build confidence under that kind of circumstances. I think my type if preferably caucasians which at this point, I don't think there is anyone who is interested even hook up. I'm horrible at flirting and yeah.
I'm sorry that I feel like I'm all very negative here. That wasn't the intention. So yeah...

[otters]

Weel, thank you guys very much for all the messages. At this moment in Vancouver, I wouldn't say I could totally be independent from my parents because the tuition for school and living in Vancouver is insanely expensive. More importantly, I couldn't possibly leave my Oma. She loves me very much and now my Opa is not here anymore. I guess I just try to be there for her. My personality is those kind of you know, hospitable. Trying to be nice with everyone no matter what that've done.
As for relationships and hook ups. Em, even if I'm willing to try, there isn't that many people who's interested. It is very hard to build confidence under that kind of circumstances. I think my type if preferably caucasians which at this point, I don't think there is anyone who is interested even hook up. I'm horrible at flirting and yeah.
I'm sorry that I feel like I'm all very negative here. That wasn't the intention. So yeah...

I guess you hold German citizenship, Pascal. Your Oma too?
However, you BOTH could go to Europe. You could go to a German university — quite sure you're entitled to receive German federal student grant. Your Oma could sell her house, and she'll be entitled to receive her (widow's) pension irrespective where she lives.

[Lexington]

More importantly, I couldn't possibly leave my Oma. She loves me very much and now my Opa is not here anymore. I guess I just try to be there for her. My personality is those kind of you know, hospitable. Trying to be nice with everyone no matter what that've done.

Getting out on your own doesn't mean closing the door on every relationship of your old home. It just means finally having your own space, so you can live as you see fit. You can still visit as often as you like, and even spend a night or two if the need arises.

As for relationships and hook ups. Em, even if I'm willing to try, there isn't that many people who's interested. It is very hard to build confidence under that kind of circumstances. I think my type if preferably caucasians which at this point, I don't think there is anyone who is interested even hook up. I'm horrible at flirting and yeah.
I'm sorry that I feel like I'm all very negative here. That wasn't the intention. So yeah...

Well, don't be too sure. You sound kind of nice to me. I'm probably a bit over your age range, and about 1000 miles too far away, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. And the main point being - don't think there will never be anybody out there. If only the hottest guys ever got laid/dated/got into relationship, there'd be a hundred guys doing that, and billions omre on the sidelines. It doesn't work like that.

Lex