how can an introvert meet guys

[Number1faghag]

Hello everyone!

So this is my first post here, I'll give you all a little background.

I have a semi closeted friend who is struggling to meet guys to have a serious relationship. He is a total romantic, and all he wants is to get married and move to a small town/village in rural Germany or Switzerland.

He is out to the public, but for immigration and financial reasons he can't come out to his family yet. He is quite a shy guy who is working on building up his confidence and he's been turning to me for advice...

I really want to help him, but I don't really know what to say other than "don't be afraid to put yourself out there " or "you gotta make the first move" or "try bars, clubs, online...."

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Number1faghag]

BTW he says he has horrible "gaydar," and his type appears to be straight guys

[Virge]

Don't confuse being hung up on straight guys for being romantic.

If he wants to meet guys he needs to start with step one. Step one is working on overcoming his being an introvert. There's no Step Two until then.

[MikeW]

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Well, my first suggestion is to invite him to join GS. He should be here!

Second, I disagree with [MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION] , I don't think one can "overcome" being an introvert any more than one can "overcome" being gay. There are lots of introvert gay men, and yeah, it is more difficult to meet people when you're introverted.

But, the thing is (being an introvert myself and all), it would be best if we were talking with your friend directly. I'm curious about a lot of things like, how old is he? What kinds of experiences has he had? When you say "total romantic," what does that mean exactly? I understand he wants to get married and etc., but does he understand that seldom just "happens" out of the blue? With few exceptions, life isn't a fairy tale for anyone, gay, straight, bi or w/e. I'm confuse by "he's out to the public" but not his family (IOW, how can they not know if he's out to everyone publicly?).

Anyway… that's my 2¢ so far. Welcome to the forum…

[Lexington]

He is a total romantic, and all he wants is to get married and move to a small town/village in rural Germany or Switzerland.

I like a guy with small modest goals. And most introverts have a thing for straight guys - it gives them an excellent reason not to make a move on the guy they find interesting.

Folks new to the relationship game tend to overlook one fairly obvious point - you're not just looking for a boyfriend, you're also looking to become someone's boyfriend. In other words, you're not just the "buyer", you're also the "seller". And that's where introverts have trouble - it's not easy for them to "sell".

He's out (except to family), and I honestly think that's the best first step. But the next one is putting himself out there. Because nobody will "buy" if nobody knows he's "for sale". For introverts, that's often really hard. Which is why they often resort to things like asking friends if they know anybody, and having them arrange a blind date - that keeps as much of the "selling" to be done by other people as possible. And while that's helpful for the introvert (to a degree- he still has to go on the date), it does reduce the number of would-be "buyers" to a very small number. Anything beyond that, and he'll have to work on "selling" some more.

You might help him navigate online dating sites, and maybe help him create his profile on one. You can help point out his good traits that he might skip.

Side note: you say you're male, single, and "curious". Just not curious about him?

Lex

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is no overcoming being an introvert. That is if this guy is really an introvert.

The word introvert is thrown around and misused so often that few people know a real introvert when they see one. Similar to the letters OCD - people abuse this term as well, thus real OCD personalities get no real recognition.

Assuming for a moment he really is an introvert Then he is going to need to set realistic goals and limits to his social activities and accept that he is an introvert and no amount of 'trying' is going to make him an extrovert.

Assuming you are a fag-hag or what I call a 'gal-pal' chances are high that you hold the magic key to get him knocked up, Erm I mean hooked up. In decades past it was my own gal-pal that dragged me to social (gay) events and was there to support me through everything as a 'gal-pal' which lead to a few interesting meet-ups with guys.

As for his picking up on 'straight' guys. That isn't a broken gay-dar. That is just too much isolation and insufficient time around human beings to become a bit more perceptive of how humans scream their alignment, sexual orientation and other things through body language, facial ques and other minor tell-tale signs.

Also he might not be around sufficient number of gay men. Hang around straights all the time and all you will find is straight men.

The number one problem with Virge, pardon I meant "the world" is that everyone wants to force introverts to be extroverts and cannot or will not accept that an introvert is what they are and cannot change. No one demands the extroverts to sit down and shut the fuck up and stop pushing into every nook and cranny of society, no one would dream of suggesting that and extrovert changes to meet the needs of another group, yet it happens to introverts all the time.

What that ends up doing is pushing introverts to 'try' and change and to force themselves into situations where they blunder, make mistakes or end up using substances and crutches in order to go from 'shy' to life of the party.

Perhaps your friend's real problem is there are too many people around him telling him 'He Should ___________' (fill in the blank) instead of allowing him to be himself and do as he is?

If he feels pressured into getting hooked up, into getting into the party scene and all of that, its going to lead to one mistake after another, and open him up for various levels of harm, not only harm from untrustworthy people, but self harm as he combats his real desire to be alone and turns to things like drugs, alcohol and other stuff in order to be that which he isn't.

Introversion is a very real behavioral pattern, a real character type. It is not a disorder, it is not 'sickness' or 'wrong' it is what that person is. He needs to accept what is, and learn how to cope and work with it in day to day life. Most importantly, those few people he will keep around him (as introverts have few friends, but the friends they have will be cherished far more than by others), need to accept him as he is and stop that incessant pushing him to be something he is not.

Eventually the right man will walk into his life. He just has to be patient.

I'm an introvert and have been in 6 relationships, all of which just happened on their own, pretty much when I least expected it to happen. I didn't need someone to shove me into the arms of another.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I agree with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] Introversion isn't something that's an "overcome"-able condition. It's a personality type.

I also have a lot of the same questions that Mike put in his post. There's not enough information here.

[Number1faghag]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Hopefully showing him this will convince him to join and answer some of these questions for you all. I'm going to try to get him on here in the next couple days and I guess well go from there

[Pascal]

Hey, everyone. I'm the guy he was talking about. I'm 21 years old and I'm half German, half Chinese. I was raised in a very old fashion Mennonite German way. Pisces. That means I can't really coming out to my family just yet. One day I wish I could hold my Mr. Right's hands and proudly tell them that this is who I am. Some ppl thing that's stupid but my family never encountered any LGBT ppl before. The assumption is from tv celebrities. Anyway, I think I'm a very old school german guy who believe in true love and the one. I wanna eventually grow old with my bf in a small village. We could be running an inn and there is a small clinic downstairs i could run. I would love cuddle and watch stars and grow old together. That's my way of romantic. My Opa and Oma met each other 53 years ago and they loved each other till this day. I know how hard it is to find someone and eventually end up together. I do think there is hope. Though my experience wise, I never really dated any one. Idk, my friends tell me that I have no flirting skills nor how to talk to people. Or simply no body is interested.
About the gaydar blind, it's true. I couldn't in any kinds of way of knowing a person is gay or not. There is a coworker that I have a crush on, according to the conversation, he is pretty straight. No matter what, I still just have a huge crush on him. That doesn't mean that my gaydar isn't working because I'm isolated, but I just simply couldn't tell.
I don't know what else to tell at this point, so yeah...

[MikeW]

Hey, everyone. I'm the guy he was talking about. I'm 21 years old and I'm half German, half Chinese. I was raised in a very old fashion Mennonite German way. Pisces. That means I can't really coming out to my family just yet. One day I wish I could hold my Mr. Right's hands and proudly tell them that this is who I am....

Welcome to the forum, Pascal, I'm glad you joined us. You have a very interesting background. So, the real question is, how can we help you? Just keep talking with us… perhaps we can give you some guidance on how to develop "gaydar". For sure many of us have had crushes on straight guys at one time or another. However, that won't get you what you say you want. It's best to save your attention for someone who can not only accept you for who you are, but love you for it. Understand?