Frustrated with partner

[watfordbear]

This is my first post... and I apologise for the long winded back story, please bear with me ;-)

So, I've been out for just over a year having been in a straight relationship/marriage... I was always faithful to my wife and had never had any experiences with men. I've known I was gay from being a teenager but was brought up by strict conservative parents so just buried my feelings and tried to conform to a 'normal' life.

So it all came out Christmas 2013 and I moved out the family home January 2014 and into temporary accommodation and started chatting to a guy on Growlr and clicked immediately with him. He said he was a bottom, about 7 years older than me and had a number of longterm relationships as well as the usual NSA encounters.

So we met and to cut a long story short we ended up falling in love and I moved in with him. Sex consisted of mutual masturbation and blow jobs, which was amazing and certainly lived up to expectation. I'd never had anal and was keen to have a go and approached the subject with my bf. He seemed reluctant and said he had a very tight ass and that he found it uncomfortable. I found this strange given that he had outwardly said that he was a bottom when we first started chatting and was now saying that he wasn't really into it. So, whilst I had never had any great urge to be a bottom decided to give it a go, so he bought me a dildo and some lube to get me started. I really enjoyed it and tried to encourage my bf to top me... I was surprised when he then turned around and said it wasn't really his thing as he found maintaining an erection a problem and that he'd got me a dildo as a substitute. I bought some cock rings to help but they've been ignored.

So rather frustratingly I began to question his previous relationships and activity. He said it wasn't my business and that anal was never really a big part of his sex life.

Shortly after this he got a new iPad which I was keen to have a look at as mine is fairly ancient. He left it lying about, so curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up and for some reason there was a old message from one of his friends where they had been reminiscing about their fucking session and how much they had enjoyed it.

My initial reaction was 'so he's fucked and been fucked by this guy, why not me? What is wrong with me?? I later questioned him about this guy, saying he was handsome and whether he'd ever had sex with him, to which he replied categorically no.

This sent me into complete turmoil and a trust issue was beginning to raise its head. My behaviour towards him cooled and I eventually sent him a text to confess that I'd seen the message and that I was sorry I was snooping on his iPad, but I was annoyed that he had lied to me about this guy.

He apologised for keeping it from me and that he'd not bullshit me again.

Anyway moving things on it would appear that my bf has been very active in the bottoming department over the last few years and has been into all sorts of things, which is fine, but I'm still absolutely puzzled as to why he won't bottom for me or top with the help of a cock ring and why our sex life consists of wanking and blow jobs.

As i mentioned said he has a tight hole and always has. So I asked him how he's done it in the past and he told me he used poppers. So I buy poppers and now he says poppers give him a headache and we've not used them. I try to raise the issue and get it resolved and he makes promises but nothing ever ever happens. I send him dirty texts telling him what I want but he just ignores them and says he doesn't do dirty talk (which is strange as he's got loads of old messages on his phone which are horny as hell). It's just excuse after excuse and I'm getting thoroughly depressed, feeling very insecure and down about the whole situation.

I love him and he loves me and I'll probably spend the rest of my life with him but I just don't get it. I'm 44, been out a year and think I've made a big mistake in not playing the field and experiencing everything that I want to do and settling down with someone who just isn't being straight with me and is frankly of the opinion that he's been there done that and not prepared to change.

I even asked if we could go out on the scene in Leeds or Manchester as I've never done it, and he's refused (even though he used to go out regularly!)

Am I missing something? Or am I being too hard and demanding? Thoughts gratefully appreciated
Thanks

[Rareboy]

Well you are pretty much mapping out the failure of your relationship.

All we need to go with it is the projected schedule until the break-up actually occurs.

I've got nothing. I can't take sides here. Neither of you is in the right and neither is totally in the wrong.

The two of you need to sit down and have a frank and open discussion about where you see your relationship going instead of looking for anonymous avatars to help beat one abother up.

Good luck with this, but I don't see a long future ahead for you as a couple.

[Beaux]

I love him and he loves me and I'll probably spend the rest of my life with him but I just don't get it. I'm 44, been out a year and think I've made a big mistake in not playing the field and experiencing everything that I want to do and settling down with someone who just isn't being straight with me and is frankly of the opinion that he's been there done that and not prepared to change.

I even asked if we could go out on the scene in Leeds or Manchester as I've never done it, and he's refused (even though he used to go out regularly!)

Am I missing something? Or am I being too hard and demanding? Thoughts gratefully appreciated
Thanks

Umm...No. Just -No-. Apparently all those years living in a dishonest hetrosexual marriage have distorted your perception of what "Love" is and what being in a Healthy Relationship is like (perhaps you don't actually KNOW what a healthy relationship actually looks like first person, yes?).
No worries, I am going to break it down for you.
First of all, even though there is a tremendous excitement in FINALLY getting to experience a sexual relationship that is genuinely appealing to you, that does not make it Love.

Secondly, him not wanting to bottom or to top for you cannot simply be laid at his feet as being "his fault", nor is it necessarily "your fault". Many men, myself included, who consider themselves versatile do not want to bottom for some guys, top for some guys, or do either with some guys. It takes a certain kind of chemical connection for me to bottom for a guy--I cannot bottom for just any guy, he has to have that "thang" that makes me want it from him. Same goes for topping. I have genuinely loved men that I had no desire to top OR bottom with (I am not saying however that this is the case with the guy you are involved with--I will get to that later), but I was never IN LOVE with those men.

Third, you are absolutely correct: You DO need to play the field. ALL TOO OFTEN, men who come out later in life absolutely FAIL at making healthy relationship choices because they didn't have the same opportunities to make the mistakes or to make good choices that people who acknowledged their sexuality earlier struggled with and GREW from. Essentially, you are like an 11 year old who has just started dating.

Fourth, "Are you missing something?" YES, you are! You are missing going out on the scene in Leeds or Manchester and a hella lot of other stuff to boot! You have a LOT of catching up to do, and your not going to be able to do it with someone who has "been there, done that" because he doesn't want to do it again!

Fifth (and final), I do not know specifically how this relationship you are in is structured, so I cannot say that he is using you. However, from what little you have described, it sounds to me as though he is just trying to placate you by engaging in handy-js and oral because he wishes to remain in your life (for whatever reason--be it a meal-ticket, a place to crash, a friendship to ward off loneliness...idk) but it doesn't sound the slightest to me like Love.

Being a gay man isn't easy, and you have made it considerably harder on yourself by waiting until half-way through your life to decide to live authentically. You need to take your time and discover who you are as a Gay Man and all that it entails. That includes dating (not hooking up via app, but ACTUALLY dating), making friends, being involved in things that you enjoy (besides sex). Being gay isn't a hobbie, it isn't a job, and it certainly isn't a "life style". It is (hopefully) one of many many adjectives that describe you as a Fully Adult Human Being. So I would suggest working on being that first, and once you have accomplished that, then you can have a Healthy Adult Relationship with another Fully Adult Human Being.

~Beaux

[Cuddly]

I have a horror picture in my head about you finally checking out the scene, only to be chased away by 17-23 year olds screaming and wielding pitchforks and torches.

We rarely do anal. Not because we don't enjoy it, but because it requires alot if preparation and that isn't particularly sexy
And oral is amazinnnggggg

[TwisttheLeaf]

1) Not all gay guys like anal sex. Clearly, it sounds like your bf is one of them if he's saying he had to use poppers to enjoy anal in the past.

2) Poppers are, essentially, a drug. They absolutely DO cause headaches. Maybe he has decided to turn over a new leaf and STOP being a slut and/or stop using poppers or other drugs.

My take? Stop pushing for something that he -clearly- doesn't want to do. Regardless of what he did in the past, OR what bad experiences he may have had that turned him off either anal or poppers? He's saying NO. Let it go.

To be entirely honest? It sounds like he's looking to "settle down" into a more sedate life. Where as YOU are looking to party and have a good time.

It's an incompatible match.

[Lexington]

I dunno - is it time to talk about opening the relationship?

Lex

[MikeW]

I'm still absolutely puzzled as to why he won't bottom for me or top with the help of a cock ring and why our sex life consists of wanking and blow jobs.

Well, of course WE don't know the answer to that question either, right? There's only one person who *might* know and that's your partner. I say "might" because it depends on how well he knows himself, and I mean *really* knows himself (people sometimes think they know themselves or think they know "why" they do or don't do something and they're actually not being honest with themselves). You at least need to find out what's going on with him. As [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] said, topping and bottoming can really have to do with interpersonal chemistry.

But regardless of his answer, you need to decide for yourself what you really want and then find out whether or not you can have that within your current relationship. As [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] suggested, opening up the relationship might be one possible solution. If that isn't an option and you're intent on experiencing more of your sexuality (and I can totally understand why you'd want to do so), then you're going to have to decide whether or not this relationship is working for you.

I know, don't we all wish relationships were beds of roses? The truth is, they're not. They take a lot of work. But there does have to be that underlying willingness to work on it by BOTH parties in the relationship. If that isn't there -- if one is saying "it's going to be my way or the highway" -- well, then, yeah… the highway it is, right?

[meridannight]

it actually depends on you. is a relationship where the only type of sexual outlet consists of handjobs, blowjobs, and you using a toy on yourself, satisfying to you? can you put up with that for the rest of your life/in long term? because he doesn't sound like he is into anal sex (at least not with you). and for some reason he can't tell you the truth either. all i hear is excuses, not real reasons. all the while he's still giving you hope that it might happen, but it never does. there's an enduring pattern here, do you not see it? i'd have a hard time believing any of it, mostly because it sounds like obvious bullshit.

what others are saying, that it's not his fault entirely...the fact that he doesn't want anal sex, that is okay. he doesn't have to want it, and you can't force him. but the fact that he is not being honest with you right now is entirely on him. you've been honest with him with what you want. in contrast, he got into the relationship saying he was a bottom, and he still makes you promises along that line. that is a discrepancy seeming to negate the notion that it's not his fault. especially since he's repeatedly had a chance to clear himself on the matter.

in a healthy honest relationship partners talk things through with their partners and let them know when they've had a change of mind, or when they can't do something they know their partner wants/needs. he's not doing any of it. he's simply avoiding the issue and trying to brush it under the carpet, it seems.

if the way things are is unacceptable to you your option is to dump him or to go for an open relationship. there's no magic solution.

[watfordbear]

Thanks all for your thoughts... much appreciated. It all came to a head last night and I explained to him how I felt.

He took on board my frustrations, said he felt very guilty about letting me down and has promised to address the issues that he has and not ignore them. I'm not expecting anal to be the great panacea, far from it, but I want to experience it and if its just not for him, or indeed me then at least I know he's made the effort and we tried it and we can concentrate on other things and getting on with our life together.

This certainly isn't a deal breaker. I'm in this for the long term... whilst the idea of going out and sowing my seed and having lots of fun sounds thrilling I've always been totally monogamous. I'm completely in love with him and that's reciprocated and if we can just overcome this, life will be sweet.

Cheers fellas

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You're 44 he is 7 years older, that makes him 51.

Around 50 is when the body really starts to get all cranky and upset and throw fits with activities we did when spry and younger.

It is possible that he has medical condition(s) which prevent him from having that type of sex that he did 10-20-30 years ago.

Most men are reluctant to talk about their sexual health when it goes awry.

Another aspect here is you put of your wild sex crazed 20s for about two decades, he may be thinking that if you get too much of a good thing you will run off to explore that strange new pleasurable world without him.

Unfortunately you were doing that straight thing during the years when you would have experienced a great deal with lots of ability. For isntance the whole 'top and bottom' thing as in anal penetration doesn't happen all the time, in fact more recent polls uncover that around 60% of gay men do not want to do anal - neither as top or as bottom. Usual reason why? Because 'ew, shit on a dick - EW!'.

Until now you have had the fantasy of what gay is - sexually and otherwise.

You have lots of myths stuck in your head since you were a straight man - or at the very least living the straight man's life, surrounded by straight people and programmed with the myths and stories and other fairy-tales about fairies.

Yes he has a past,you have a past, I have a past, and Borg and Beux and Lex and everyone has a past. The past is composed primary of who we were as a person, not who we are as a person now.

Yes your BF most likely had a wild time of it back in his 20's and 30's. Maybe lots of wild and crazy sex parties, dungeons, and other fantastic things. I'm sorry those are young men's playgrounds. Older guys tend to be more settled and looking toward building commitment and security and other aspects of a 'marriage' type relationship than running out to the clubs nightly to pick up some new strange for tonight's entertainment.

I'm sorry you missed out on all of that. Yet you made this choice to stay in the closet, and you choose to live what you lived. We all tend to regret more that which we didn't do, over the things we did do.


I fear that you need to go out and blow off steam - sexually speaking. AT 44 you might be able to pass yourself off as mid to late 30's and still have a bit of fun before the grey hair and wrinkles betray you. I doubt your BF is going to be the one to take you there, I doubt he is able to actually go back and relive the past. Most likely he doesn't want to.