Hi forum,
I'm Richard and had thought a lot before joining in a forum about gay life as I consider myself as bi. I want you to help me to take a right decision and/or advice. I will timeline the events so you all can understand better:
2012 - End September we met and the first day I told him that I don't do relationship and it was just fun and do not expect any love from me. We started on this basis.
2013 - Our love affair started. We were insanely seeing each other, lot of messages, FB, chat etc. We were bonded. Mid year, I wanted to leave him because he kept saying he love me which I don't. We separated in a very horrible way and deep inside I ALWAYS LOVE HIM but could not say it because of the 11 years of difference.
2014 - we met again for his birthday and again the great story continued, we started afresh and I long waited that time to finally say that I loved him. But alas, he bluntly said he don't feel any love towards me and there is nothing between us. My world went terribly wrong. First time, I cried for someone, I went into a despair situation where I just couldn't breath without him. Finally December 2014 came, and he was cold and he went to have sex with others.
2015 Jan - he was seeing someone and things went wrong. It happen that I phoned him and we started to see each other on a different note. But todate (Feb 15), everytime I lost myself with emotions and says I love him and I kept crying when I miss him on the phone. I can not live away from him and I don't know what he feel for me. Im trying everyday to be with him, on phone, messages etc. But I realize that im becoming more possessive about him. I need to know what going on with me and the best way to keep thing mov
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Quote:he bluntly said he don't feel any love towards me and there is nothing between us.
Read this over and over again until you get the message.
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Accepting a parting of the ways is always difficult - it's like a physical pain, not just an emotional one. Parting isn't any type of sweet sorrow...it's just sorrow. I can see nothing in there for you, except to give yourself time to grieve and try to move on. Involvement with all types of people, involvement with activities and work and...involvement with new life areas that you start hunting for, right now. Move on is the last advice you want to read about, right now, but I see no openings for you, in the back-then.
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Quick response...your problem was in 2013 when you said it ended in a horrible way because he told you he loved you and you didn't...your not saying what you felt might be a mistake you will have to live with....we don't always get a chance for a do over which is why honesty and being true to yourself is always the best approach.....
2014...you were ready...but you already hurt him and he probably didn't want to put himself out there again and face the rejection. He may have also sensed you had reciprocal feelings back in 2013 and trusted that and when you insisted not...it might have turned him off. I am just guessing though....I have no way of knowing this with any certainty...
Today....well...I would not suggest the approach you are using. If anything...It might scare him. If you want to be with him...my suggestion is to rewind to 2013 and tell him what you said here....be honest. Try not to say things like you can't live without him ...that is not an aphrodisiac.....
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Richard Wrote:I want you to help me to take a right decision and/or advice. This is a sad situation and, as I mentioned in another thread, one of the reasons why repeated NSA sex can become a problem when the participants don't stay "on the same page" or "on the same wavelength" with one another.
So, yeah, it sucks that you weren't ready to express your feelings when he felt the same way. Your inability to do that probably hurt him as much as you're hurting now (I don't know, but could be). So, having been hurt, he got over you emotionally. Meanwhile, now you're admitting you have feelings for him but he has moved on, so you are in pain.
What to do. Well… There really isn't anything TO do except talk with him, tell him what happened and give him his space to say where he is at with all this. If he's not interested in you emotionally then there's nothing you can do to change that. If there is any chance of you getting back together emotionally, then you'll have to work that out bit by bit. Maybe he news to learn to trust you again? Or maybe he's just moved on and now you're going to have to do the same thing.
The sad truth is not every love affair works out. In fact I'd say that a good percentage of them don't for a variety of reasons. Relationships take work… that is "communication". Good relationships are "even" (more or less)… everyone is getting out of it what they're putting into it and it is more or less equal for both. Without that dynamic exchange, emotional give-and-take, or if the relationship gets unbalanced in some way, then very often they can't be "fixed" or "rescued." It's just a fact of life.
My recommendation to anyone reading this. IF you're feeling "love" for someone, tell them. If you're afraid of "the L word" because it seems to emily "commitment" and/or "forever" -- scary things like that -- then try putting it this way, "I'm Loving You RIght Now." I think this helps everyone (the person saying it and the person hearing it) that the Love one is feeling is something occurring *in the moment*. It MAY become something more permanent, more on-going, or it might not -- depending on a lot of things.
Anyway, my 2¢
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02-08-2015, 09:34 PM
(Edited 02-08-2015, 10:06 PM by meridannight.)
Richard Wrote:Mid year, I wanted to leave him because he kept saying he love me which I don't. We separated in a very horrible way and deep inside I ALWAYS LOVE HIM but could not say it because of the 11 years of difference.
looks like you missed your chance when you had it. and he didn't stick around and wait for you, which is completely reasonable of him.
this only goes to show that you have to figure your emotions and priorities out when you can actually do something about them. not play games and think the world will stop turning till you're ready.
if he truly loved you, there could be a chance that he's open to hear you out, IF you get your shit together, own up to your mistakes, and talk to him openly and honestly about what was going on with you in the past and what's going on with you now. but you better be sure yourself first that this isn't some another mood of yours (or) being just jealous/possessive of him, rather than actually loving him. and if he's moved on, he's moved on, and you have to respect that.
he sounds a lot healthier and mature about his emotions/life than you. constant drama and unhealthy obsession isn't going to be appealing to him. you have to get yourself sorted out in that respect first.
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The most important and difficult thing is communication, just talk openly if there is a chance or where are you both standing , you may be wasting time in something it's not going to happen or clear the path to mutual understanding. Good luck
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Why are you a week ahead of me in Brazil?
He wanted a love affair, you turned him down.
Later, you wanted a love affair, and he turned you down.
Assume that ship has sailed. You might become friends, or fuck buddies, but not lovers. Guven that, do you still want to be with him. Not under the assumption he'll change his mind, but assuming that it will ALWAYS be like this.
Lex
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Reading how few times the two of you have met in person I'm assuming this is a LD relationship. You were 19 when this began... same age I was when it happened to me. I'm the younger one like you.
My guy and I did a LD relationship for EXACTLY nine years to the day --
the first half was as FWBs because there was no way for us to work out the obstacles of the 8000 miles, our career dreams and everything else.
The second half -- after I did one of the most dramatic breakups in gay history -- was all about trying to work together to find ways to overcome the obstacles. It took all more than four years to do that. It took some amazing sacrifices from us both --- and --- I had to grow up. Even at your age (22) I wasn't emotionally prepared for what it really takes to make a relationship work. I'm eternally grateful my guy was smart enough and patient enough to keep from jumping into a relationship with me when I was your age.
December 27th, 2015 I woke up with him in my bed and his furniture sitting in a cargo container in my driveway. We are now in the third stage of the relationship... and it's great. All the little problems are over and done with.
LD relationships are almost always doomed to fail. The ones who do succeed are the ones where the people involved put the relationship ahead of the "him and the you" it takes to form one. It has to be this way. Two people thinking in terms of what's best for "us" instead of what's best for "him or you" is the key.
I used to try to give advice on how to make LDRs work. I've stopped. It's pretty simple. The ones who put the relationship first have a good chance at making it work out. The ones who are still worried about the him and the me don't have a chance in hell of ever turning out good.
I could sit here typing and list off all the sacrifices I've made and the ones he's made -- all the hell we've gone through to work things out -- all the money we've spent -- and all the crying -- but they won't do you any good. Until and unless the two of you start thinking in terms of the relationship first nothing is going to come from all this.
V
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If [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] drags his ass to this thread he might remember which thread he and I talked about working out agreements in writing and how important that was to making his relationship with Carl and mine with Jay work out.
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