Confessions

[himself]

Confess something, here.

Back in November, I bought a bottle of red wine. It was corked, rather than capped. I didn't have a cork screw. I tried to open it without a corkscrew. There is now a huge stain on my bedroom wall. I felt really stupid afterwards. It stares at me, everyday, judging me. I could paint over it, but I need someone to help me. I think I'll tell my brother - he seems like a big drinker. I'm not a huge drinker - if anything, drinking often has made me tired of drinking rather than drawing me towards it. I used to talk to this person I met on a forum - he is an alcoholic. I was telling him about it, and he spoke to me as if I was an alcoholic, which was a bit worrying - as if going to a lot of effort to uncork a bottle was in alcoholic territory. But then I remembered that I've grown up in (and still live in) Ireland. We Irish have a different attitude to things. If we buy something, we're going to get our money's worth. Like stereotypical Jews, we aren't afraid to get our hands dirty in the pursuit of saving money, but we Irish have no shame so we can shame ourselves in the process.

[Darius]

Himself, I bet that is not the only stain on your bedroom wall. Don't tell your brother, though, he might accuse of you being a wanker.

[Miles]

Depending on how high/large the stain is, you could put a poster up over it.

Sounds like your real problem is just not having a corkscrew.

[Camfer]

I confess I have several corkscrews.

[Darius]

I confess I have several corkscrews.

Is that what you call it now?

[jimcrackcorn]

When I was 14 years old,,, I stole a box of glazed donuts out of the back of a delivery van. The van was parked in front of the bakery where I delivered papers early each morning (I was a paperboy)... Long story short----- I ate all the donuts in quick succession, and it caused me to have the shits...

Lesson learned - when robbing a place,, always plan your escape carefully and take into account the needed supplies in order to carry out the deed. I forgot the toilet paper!!!!

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk,,,
Jim

[himself]

When I was 14 years old,,, I stole a box of glazed donuts out of the back of a delivery van. The van was parked in front of the bakery where I delivered papers early each morning (I was a paperboy)... Long story short----- I ate all the donuts in quick succession, and it caused me to have the shits...

Lesson learned - when robbing a place,, always plan your escape carefully and take into account the needed supplies in order to carry out the deed. I forgot the toilet paper!!!!

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk,,,
Jim

Yummy. I want doughnuts, now.

[Iceblink]

So let me get this gay, you used your own personal corkscrew to open the bottle?

[Lexington]

I'll comfess to geing unable to open a wine bottle even with a corkscrew,

Lex

[LJay]

Dear Lex,

I am never far from my handy [McGyver-style!] Swiss army knife. I like the one with the corkscrew on it. Center the screw and screw it into the cork well. In other words, get a good grip with four or five turns. Then PRESS DOWN on the work just a little. You may feel a slight give as though the cork were going into the bottle--an eighth of an inch. Then hold the bottle firmly down, like at around waist height, and pull the cork out firmly. Once it is most of the way out you can put the bottle on a table and wiggle it the rest of the way to avoid dropping the bottle, etc.

Pressing down on the cork breaks any seal that may have formed from wine dehydrating and crystallizing around the cork. Then you are not fighting the seal with trying to withdraw the cork.

The waiter's corkscrew has a lever to help and is even easier to use, but I always have my knife along.