I'm confused and running out of time

[chrisdeme95]

So this is the situation and I'll be changing a name so yeah

So me and my best friend Pablo have been friends for 5 years right. So in those years we have done so much but that's besides the point . Our "friendship" doesn't look normal to people. If you ask anyone they would tell you we have been dating since forever.
I have talked to Pablo about this when people first started making comments like that and his answer was. "As long as you and I both know what we are nothing and nobody matters" mind you Pablo is straight. I think you will understand later

Anyways so as we move from that our friendship grows and we get closer we fight and argue like regular friends but we can never stand to he be mad or not talk to each other for long. After a fight he would come over and bring me like candy or ice cream or whatever to apologize and try smoothing things over. Anyways
So then we get into the way we are with each other. We always do things with each other it's rare you see us without one another and if we are we are still texting one another . If one of us is sick the other will take care of them and make sure they have everything they need. If someone is upset the other is there to make him feel better. That's just us I guess. When around others we stick near each other we sit with each other if there Is one chair either I sit on Pablo's lap or he tells me to take the chair and he'll sit at my feet . If we go to a party I'll dance while he stands close and watches over me. If we go out with friends he sees I'm upset he'll put his arms around me and hold me till I cool down . Before we say goodbye it's I love you a hug and goodnight. That's us it doesn't sound like much.but it's the way we do things that make people question our relationship as friends. We are "to friendly with each other " so here lies the problem. I am moving from Va to Texas and right now he has chosen to distance himself from everyone including me and it kind of hurts. And I'm not going to lie o really do like him a bit more then a friend and like him I would do anything and everything for him. He still says he's straight but his actions towards me says other wise. We have a lot of cute moments and all that stuff so now I'm stuck thinking what are we? Are we friends for real or is there more to it? And I'm also thinking what if we did actually try being together would it be so bad? Yes he have kissed and it was good but we don't speak on it. There is a lot of unanswered questions and I know I can't ask him because then he gets defensive and says he's not gay. But then treats me like we are dating and stuff so like what do I do? Do I let it go and move and not look back on it or do I do something about all this? And if so what ? Whatever this is between us has interfered with so many actual relationships we have had with others that I'm starting to think that I can't actually get into another relationship unless I stop being friends with him completely? So lost confused and I'm running out of time. [emoji25] [emoji27]

[MikeW]

We have a lot of cute moments and all that stuff so now I'm stuck thinking what are we? Are we friends for real or is there more to it? And I'm also thinking what if we did actually try being together would it be so bad? Yes he have kissed and it was good but we don't speak on it. There is a lot of unanswered questions and I know I can't ask him because then he gets defensive and says he's not gay. But then treats me like we are dating and stuff so like what do I do? Do I let it go and move and not look back on it or do I do something about all this? And if so what ? Whatever this is between us has interfered with so many actual relationships we have had with others that I'm starting to think that I can't actually get into another relationship unless I stop being friends with him completely? So lost confused and I'm running out of time. [emoji25] [emoji27]

I apologize that your question has gone two days without a reply from anyone. Please don't take that personal, sometimes threads just fall between the cracks. Also, sometimes none of know what to say, really.

Basically you're having what is called a "bromance." You and your best bud have feelings for one another that *could* be more than just plutonic. But, from what you've said, Pablo either doesn't have any erotic feelings for you (or guys in general) *or* if he does he is in denial and not ready to deal with them (that also happens). On top of this you or your family are moving away… and you're wondering how to deal with this.

I don't really know what your options are here regarding moving. But it looks to me like Pablo doesn't have any erotic feelings for you or, even if he does on some level, he isn't ready or willing to deal with them. So there's not much hope of anything more than what you've had.

First thing I'd do is find some way to let Pablo know how I feel -- at least in the sense that you want him to know you've really appreciated his friendship and you are going to miss him. I suspect he feels the same way, which is why he's distancing himself. Saying good by to someone you care about can be painful.

Beyond that, I don't know that you have to cut him off and never see him or have any contact with him. That's up to you, of course, but I mean this IS the 21st century, texting, Skyping, etc., does happen! Of course it isn't the same thing and of course not having what you two have had will be painful. Sorry to say, that's just the way life is sometimes.

But of course thats your choice. You're going to feel the pain of separation. Its what happens when you get close to someone and then have to separate for whatever reason. Whether you can remain friends at a distance is up to you guys. I hope you do! I think it would be sad to loose a good friend completely. We all need friends in our lives. I have very close friends who live thousands of miles away.

Finally, if your relationship isn't going anywhere romantically and erotically, it is probably about time for you both to *redefine* your relationship with one another. Sometimes we get into close bonding friendships like this so we can *avoid* getting into a REAL relationship with a lover. I've actually seen both straight and gay young men do this, especially as older teenagers. It's like a kind of emotional excuse to not get involved with someone who would require a commitment. So, from that POV, this might end up being a good thing for both of you.

Truth is, however you do it, your lives will go on… they'll just be different… and eventually you'll get over the pain of separation. I do hope you can put the friendship back together so you can be there for one another, even if at at distance as you continue to grow up and grow older.

Welcome to GaySpeak!

[ShiftyNJ]

I agree with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]... every relationship you have with another human being doesn't have to be sexual to make it important. It is clear that you were each filling many needs in the other's life, and it sounds like he's trying to adjust to the idea of that ending, and--if I had to guess-- he doesn't want to talk about it because he's scared of how attached he let himself become to another male, or maybe even another human being. Although you don't say it, is his distancing himself tied to you announcing your move?

[DuckMcQuacky]

To me it seems like your friend is in denial...Or just isn't gay. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do in either case. I'd advise you to say goodbye to him (don't leave without a goodbye!) and try and stay friends with him.
With time, he'll either realize he likes you and wants to be with you, or he'll get over it.

[Borg69]

Did you invite him to go to Texas with you ????

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He is not gay. You just need to accept that.

You will discover that most relationships with others in your life are NOT friendships - although they will be labeled as such, they will fail the acid test.

"friend" is a word that has been beaten to death and over used by our society to the point where people think their mere acquaintances with so many people are/is friendship. You have a true friend here, a bond of brothers if you will, you have closeness which can be perceived as intimacy, yet isn't that of lovers.

Considering how society has lost the real definition of the word friend, and how lonely and isolated everyone really is, when they see two close people they assume lovers.

And in a way you are lovers. But not the way that most people assume the word means.

Love is a stupid word that does not fully and completely meet the needs of the complex emotion that love is, nor does it address how we feel love differently for different people.

When you say "I love my mom." this isn't the same thing you feel when you say "I love my dog." or "I love ice cream" or "I love my lover."

The Greeks understood that love was a bit more complex, and had at least 6 words to try to define love better: http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the...-your-life

Seems to me you two have one of these types of love, and it is strong and deep, but is not the Eros or lovers type love.

And he is right you know, others will perceive and think things about you and him and the two of you which doesn't mean squat.

As for talking to him about this, I get the feeling you have talked, and talked and talked and he has replied time and time again "I am not gay."

The problem isn't talking, its communication, and a large half of communication is listening.

I think you need to listen to what he has said and accept it.

[Darius]

If nothing has happened sexually in 5 years, it probably won't.
You are obsessed with him and realized it is ruining your life.
Too bad you feel you have to give up a good and close friend to get over the obsession.

[Rareboy]

It sounds as though it is a good thing that you are moving.

I would ask him though if he would hit the sheets with you just once before you go though.

[Lexington]

I think Rareboy has the right idea. If he's distancing himself from you before you leave, you don't have much to lose at this point. Tell him you're happy he's been such a good friend to you the last five years, you're going to miss him like crazy, and you've got feelings for him that go beyond mere friendship, and would he be willing to go get the sheets sweaty with you once before you go.

Lex

[Pascal]

I would suggest that you say goodbye and something might happen or that's it. You can't really do anything but saying goodbye. Like others said, he is probably straight and this might just be a bromance. Guys could get very close sometimes. If he actually has feelings for you, after leaving you might help him realize that. It's gonna hurt so much but you just have to do it.