As you can see I am married, so I had a mother in law. She past away several years ago. A few years prior to her death she revealed that she "saw me hit my 8 yr. old son in the gut" 20 yrs. prior to her revelation to me.
That means the story was floating around my wife's family for 20 years ( I asked her if she had told this to any one and she said that she did.)
My wife and my son both told her that I never did this, she was indignant and did not liked being called a liar.
I find myself bringing this up in conversation with my son and wife, I am still so mad I can't express it, but really, how the hell do you get over being called a child abuser?
I know that the wife's family had many talks about me over this, yet not one of my wife's brothers had the balls to confront me over it., my brother's daughter called me one time and said that her drunk dad had left bruises on her arms, he got a call from me, I was abused as a child and hate child abuse.
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I think you should bring it up and put it on the table because without your "day in the court of public opinion" you are left with anger...and it is understandable. It is hard to let go of something you can't address......
So maybe just boldly initiate the conversation...one on one...or in a group...and state your case. Keep it simple, straightforward and truthful. If they don't want to believe you..there is nothing you can do...but at least you will know that you got to use your own voice versus being in the shadow of hers....and in that respect I think the truth can set you free.
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This is terribly unfair, Butterfingers. Was your mother in law particularly displeased with you, do you think? What made her do this? What prompted that blow below the belt? She must have sensed some vulnerability in you, maybe she couldn't pinpoint it, but wanted to hurt and hurt bad. She's succeeded, apparently. I think East is right, that it is time to find the antidote to that bilious poison, maybe a family talk.
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I thank both of you for your answers to this, I have tried to speak to my wife's brother about it, he is kind of the leader of the clan on her side of the family, he would not discuss it.
As for my mother in law's feelings toward me, she had a distrust for all men, her dad was a drunk aand was abusive, my wife's dad was abusive sexually toward my wife when she was a girl, it lead to a divorce between my wife's parents.
I think that the wife's mother had trouble believing that her daughter could marry a decent guy, my wife was born with a mild case of cerebral palsy, I taught her to drive and have supported her for 41 years, she has never been in want.
The mother in law did not like us having a child, she thought that C.P. could be passed on. Of course she was wrong.
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That's a shame, and you know from your own experience what abuse can do.
I'm wondering if the answer to this is in your son's hands (I'm deducting that he's an adult because of the time lapse you mentioned). If he has no recollection of this, the next time he hears it mentioned, maybe he should say something like, "I have no idea how that story got started, but my dad has never hurt me, and I'd really like to put the rumors to rest. Grandma is gone and there is nothing we can do to convince her of the truth now, but for the sake of the family let's have an honest conversation about it and then let it go." If he says it (especially when you're not there) then they have no reason to perpetuate the story and--if they really have his best interest at heart--they'll do as he asks and take him at his word. Do you think that is possible? What is his relationship with them like?
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well, since she's dead you don't have any other choice but to let it go. there's really nothing you can do about it.
if you're worried about what your family members think, they have the opportunity to ask your son about the truth. you're not gonna change anybody's opinions. and talking to them about it, you'd be acting as if you needed to explain yourself. you didn't do it, ergo you don't need to explain yourself. you gotta be above petty accusations, and not treat them as if they deserve any attention at all.
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ShiftyNJ Wrote:That's a shame, and you know from your own experience what abuse can do.
I'm wondering if the answer to this is in your son's hands (I'm deducting that he's an adult because of the time lapse you mentioned). If he has no recollection of this, the next time he hears it mentioned, maybe he should say something like, "I have no idea how that story got started, but my dad has never hurt me, and I'd really like to put the rumors to rest. Grandma is gone and there is nothing we can do to convince her of the truth now, but for the sake of the family let's have an honest conversation about it and then let it go." If he says it (especially when you're not there) then they have no reason to perpetuate the story and--if they really have his best interest at heart--they'll do as he asks and take him at his word. Do you think that is possible? What is his relationship with them like?
My son was present when my mother in law made the accusation, my son's then wife was pregnant and my mother in law said " I hope that you never hit your child in the stomach like your dad hit you when you were 8 year old"
We were all shocked, my son promptly informed her that I had never hit him. So did my wife as did I. He was about 28 when this happened meaning that the story had been floating around for 20 years.
It explained a lot, I had always been treated like shit by this group, now I knew why.
My mother in law went to her grave with this lie.
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meridannight Wrote:well, since she's dead you don't have any other choice but to let it go. there's really nothing you can do about it.
if you're worried about what your family members think, they have the opportunity to ask your son about the truth. you're not gonna change anybody's opinions. and talking to them about it, you'd be acting as if you needed to explain yourself. you didn't do it, ergo you don't need to explain yourself. you gotta be above petty accusations, and not treat them as if they deserve any attention at all.
I really don't count child abuse as a petty accusation.
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Butterfingers Wrote:I really don't count child abuse as a petty accusation.
i meant 'petty' in this sense of the word: small-minded, narrow-minded, mean, ungenerous, grudging, shabby, spiteful.
any accusation made out of spite, or wrongfully, is a petty accusation.
what's he gonna achieve by explaining himself? showing that he thinks he needs to clear the matter, as if it wasn't clear enough from the way he lived, from what his wife and son have said about him, from what his household is like. all that should speak for itself. and it does.
giving further attention to some old woman's accusations is blowing them out of proportion even further.
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meridannight Wrote:i meant 'petty' in this sense of the word: small-minded, narrow-minded, mean, ungenerous, grudging, shabby, spiteful.
any accusation made out of spite, or wrongfully, is a petty accusation.
what's he gonna achieve by explaining himself? showing that he thinks he needs to clear the matter, as if it wasn't clear enough from the way he lived, from what his wife and son have said about him, from what his household is like. all that should speak for itself. and it does.
giving further attention to some old woman's accusations is blowing them out of proportion even further.
This does make sense, I just need to forget it, I hate staying angry... especially at a dead person.
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Can't let it go
